Narrow Road: Reflection on Matt.

Listening to Jared Anderson's song, "Narrow Road" while working on some research, I stopped and listen to the lyrics. Little did I realize he was quoting the Gospel of St. Matthew, the 7th Chapter.

Here's what the song was referrencing:

Judging Others.1^* a “Stop judging,^* that you may not be judged.^b2For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.^c3Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?5You hypocrite,^* remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.

Pearls before Swine.6“Do not give what is holy to dogs,^* or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.^d

The Answer to Prayers.7^e “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.^f8For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.^g9Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread,^*10or a snake when he asks for a fish?11If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him.^h

The Golden Rule.12^* “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.ⁱ This is the law and the prophets.

The Narrow Gate.13^* “Enter through the narrow gate;^* for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many.^j14How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life. And those who find it are few.

 It's time for opening up our hearts and eyes preparing for the Lord's birth.  I couldn't say that the Lord has been working at the right time! Take heart for what scripture is saying! 

Can history repeat itself?

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own little lives. We get trapped in our trapped in our own wants and desires, especially around Christmas time.  We sometimes get blinded by the idea of having our Christmas wishes coming true and hoping St. Nick will grant our deepest, longest wishes. However, we often lose sight of the reality of everything.

Over the past 2 weeks I've been so worried about everything else in the world, pray to God that he'll grant me the wish I've had for 12 years now and I'm most certainly at peace with at least confronting someone, even though I wasn't able to be completely open. Nevertheless, coming home brought merriment to the heart but, it's also open my eyes.

Yesterday, being given news I didn't want to hear, was almost the start of what happened a year ago. Maybe this is what I needed to be brought down to reality.  I needed to be reminded that there's so much more to be considered with than emotions and feelings. When your family life is about to turned upside down AGAIN, where do you run? Who do you turn to? Only God!

A year ago, my dad's tech walked out on him around Christmas time. I lost a friend because of moving back home. Now, I find myself in a position similar to last year. My dad's tech has put in her notice. 2 days after Christmas she'll be leaving thus, a hunt for a new tech. I had completely forgotten about my dad's knee issues and the severity of it.  I just pray he he can go see a specialist. With God all things are possible!

All I know this wake up call is what I needed.

Heaven only knows what can happen.

Tis the season for miracles! Nevergive up hope my friends!

I Just Wanna Be Free: A J. Ko Song

Wrote 12/12/12

I've been traveling this unmarked road called life
Only to have discovered it's been
Full of the unexpected
You might as well just
Call it the blessed broken road
God's sure had his hand in it
He's sent me amazing Angels
To watch over me and help me
I couldn't ask for more
No matter what happens
My faith's stronger than anything
Only time can tell
What'll happen and where I'll up
Just know...


Chorus
I wanna be free
I just wanna be me
I just wanna be who I am meant to be
For I know I am whole and complete
I am a child of God
Serving him and praising him
Trustin him with my life
Letting Go of my past
Only living each day to the fullest
Loving with all my heart
And praying for all I meet
So Lord just let me be and free me
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...


Well my heart's been broken, duct taped, glued, and put back together
I know who I want to put all the blame on
But I'll tell ya
I have no shame
I may have believed
I found my perfect match
Yet once I discovered the truth
You might as well have lit that match
Because honey,
Perfect wasn't everything
He didn't complete me
Because I am whole
And he brought me down sometimes
Most of all
I couldn't trust him
So now I sing out loud...


Chorus

Now that its all been said and done
I'm putting my trust in the hands of the Lord
Seeking him every moment and with every breath I take
Seeing who he's placed in my life
The people I can trust and count on (Always)
Not having to worry or fear
This is the time to change for all the good
A time to do what's right
Regain focus and get on the right track
oh, oh, oh
Believing one day
I'll conquer the world
Seeing all things are possible
Being able to trust with all my heart
Keeping my faith going strong
Letting it all go, uh oh oh
Lord

Chorus
Repeat

I just wanna be

Coming clean about the mystery man

Sitting in the white Church
Looking at Jesus
Nailed upon the cross
I began to ask God to help me
Help to be forgiven for what I've done wrong
Help me to forgive myself for the times I have been angry
For the past 3 months I have held a little too much anger
Towards someone who could possible deserve it
But I
As a daughter of Christ
Should go without anger
Something must be done

My time came to really become more open
Dig deep down inside of me
To rid myself of this anger and frustration
Something I thought I had gotten rid of 2 weeks prior
But a part of me
Still believe wasn't totally honest

I could see in my mind
Me telling this boy
Just please always be yourself
Always be honest and never hide behind anything
Yet here I was posing behind things
I was lying to him about something

How simple would it have been
To just tell him straight to his face
Look deep into this stained glass eyes
And tell him
"Yes my friend,
You were the one who shattered my heart
Not because of reasons you might think.
But for the reasons that the world may find
Hard to even comprehend or find just cause.
My reasoning is this:
You slammed the door in my face.
You acted as if you were two people.
Started to treat me differently when people were around
Almost as if you were ashamed of me
Which is your problem
We should be accepting and loving
I've often prayed to God
Asking him where the man
Who was very full of life
God's grace and love
Has drifted off too
Not this boy who has faded
And began to hide away
I know you've got a problem with me
And getting to travel to Sydney
So be honest why you've started to roll your eyes
Don't lie
Also learn to follow through.
If you say you're going to do something
DO IT!
Mostly, friends learn to communicate with each other.
Friendships are a 2 way street.
Learn to pick up your little phone
Check in on me and say hey how ya doing
If a week goes by and there's no exchanges of salutations
Nevertheless regardless of it all.
I'm still going to love you no matter what you've done
And always support you, even if you're not involved or
Shining as bright as a star
Because that's what friends do
I forgive you and only pray for you."

Maybe in time
The good Lord will allow me
The opportunity to come clean with him
Yet for now
God knows the truth
He knows where my heart lies
He knows where my intentions are
Hopefully it'll all come clear
And I'll soon learn the importance
Of patience and retaining grace

For now
I'll just understand
Through Christ all things are possible
And he'll one day give me the understanding
Upon why everything happens
And why people are in my life

My 2012 Grown Up Christmas Wish!

I was thinking about something yesterday as I pretty much did something out of the norm. It's not that I was living a secret life, I just didn't bother to tell anyone my business or care what to shout to the world what I was doing.  I can't remember the last time I was able to be myself with a guy friend and not have to filter what I was saying.  Often, I remember finding myself in the presence of a few particular guy friends psychologically thinking about every move or every comment I was about to make or say.  However, this time around it appeared to be different.

It was such a great feeling of not having to have the world watch what was on display. Not having to think about what the world my do or might say. Just enjoying the company and what was going on in that moment.  It was nice to enjoy lunch, hanging out, getting dragged into a sports apparel store (which I never get to really go into unless I go by myself, that girls usually laugh at me), and then go to a movie. Call it a lazy day but, it was pretty darn fun.  I mean the most awesome part of the 5 hours was not having to think about the world dictating to me how bad someone was for me.  Truth be told, maybe this was a time I had for someone to actually help me forget about someone and make me see what a "true" friend is suppose to be like.

For so long, I never understood the reality of a the purpose of guy friends and how they really could actually be like the girls sometimes.  99 to 1, it appeared the guys I have in my life, never really want to hang out with me.  All they think I'm good for is providing sports information, car information, or of course homemade baking of some sort.  Yet, deep down, I'm a human being which, they refuse to generally see .  I get I can be one of the guys.  I'm ok with that thought therefore, follow though and say hey let's grab a cold one or something.  Don't just say let's grab food and then months down the line forget about it.

My eyes really were open and my heart slowly has began to heal from what I've experienced in the past 3 months. Even though it has been broken by man, well rather a boy trapped  in a man's body, do to the way he acts.  REALLY is paper and carrot throwing appropriate? I mean, yes I grew up with the boys and I could always see past his ways. Half the time the world thought I was a mad woman for even caring about the man. Still, I am not a typical Christian, so I've been told.  I loved him, prayed for him, and cared more about his well being before my own.  Funny how I swallowed my own pride at times.  More importantly, when I was angry with him, all I could do was forgive him and learn to grow past what he put me through.

In the end, I guess you could say, my Christmas wish for the 2012 year has actually came true. Though, I've always had the same little wish since I was a little girl this year, however, I've grown up and praying for something more mature.  I pray that all the young hearts in the world grow and can see the light and love of the world. I pray people with all their might will be 100% HONEST and OPEN about things. There's no need to lie nor pretend to be someone they are not.  Therefore, I'll never for get what happen 7 days ago.  I had the courage to finally speak the truth. I finally confront a man who needed to be.  I man who broke my heart and humiliated me, making me feel tiny and as if I was a court jester in his kingdom his was running.  Nevertheless, I was finally able to voice majority of what I've been longing to say. If only the world would have the ability to mend fences and learn the value of friendships.

I know the road I am having the walk down in 2013 will not be easy but, it will be one I have to walk down. It'll be this road where I have to learn sometimes you have to let people and distractions go.  Unless people learn that others do have certain needs to be meet, things will not be harmonious.  Friendships are a 2 way street and suppose to be a beautiful blessing. Mostly, it is important for open communication and no need for lying.

That is why I say to you, I have no earthly idea where God's leading me or what his expectations are but, I know when you've fallen in love, hit rock bottom, and seen the world around you crumble, all you can do is pick yourself up and start rebuilding   You only have one chance in life, so why not start living. We're all suppose to be humble servants of God.  We want to be like Mary and unafraid to answer our call when called upon.  This is the time!

So, if the man who broke my heart is reading this, you know who you are, I forgive you and know I want nothing but the best for you.  I know you're a man of God and I know you're a good friend.  You're going places you just have to understand, we have 2 different backgrounds and still have to learn about each other.  I'm not going to apologize for not revealing your identity. In time, you'll understand, maybe it's when I'm in the land down under, who knows. Just know this, you're not an American Idiot and I hope time will allow us to make up for lost time and allow the mysteries to be solved.

I wish all of y'all a happy Holiday season and a very Merry Christmas.  May you all seek the truth doing this time and have your homes and hearts be prepared for the Lord!  

Final Chapter: Summary of the King & Lady

*Note to my faithful readers, I believe this may be my last chapter or note in the "King and the "lady"" Saga from the past several month. I hope you've fallen in love with the characters just as I've had so much excitement writing about them. It's really great to bring these characters to life after being inspired by events around me.


Who could have expected she'd have her grand opportunity to finally come face to face with the King and be able to open up to him; revealing her truest feelings towards him, especially the ones she's held for him. Though she didn't expect to have some of his royal men of the court to be at this unexpected meeting, she had to put her faith in the Lord to get her through it all.  She had prayed for the day she'd really have the opportunity to be with him face to face, finally make him somewhat pay for the pain she'd been put through, and just let him have his just desserts.  Never could anyone imagine what this meeting of unexpectedness would entail.

Only time could tell for this fluke of a chance. It's almost as if she too, had been wearing a mask, walking around the land, acting as if nothing was bothering her whenever he was around.  However, deep down she had a busted heart that had been duct tape & glued back together because of all the pain and frustration he put her through. Sometimes she wanted to shout to the world, "The King is a fake and phony!  He's pretty much bi-polar! He doesn't have a heart and he's a liar too! He doesn't know how to treat people and he has a problem with following through on his words! Why do you people love him and worship the ground he walks on." Yet, the reality of the situation was she did have her own opinion. An opinion her very own support system and elders thought she was insane to have.

A part of her wanted to know, how God gave her the ability to forgive a man, who she accidentally fell in love with, and still not forget how he impacted her life. She knew the King she first met nearly 9 months prior, she should have avoided him at all cost. From the first moment he walked into her store, she couldn't believe her eyes.  The was the King of the Land, gracing her with his presence, acting as if he was a normal subject. Since that moment, she should have just avoided him. However, their paths crossed again on the very same night when she told a friend, "my goal for this year is to NOT fall for anyone, focus on school, and   just serve God." Next thing you know, the King walks into to that very store she's coming out of.  Who knew what this would start.

At the start of the time she saw him, she basically did everything in her power to avoid him and push him away, even turning him down on his offers on getting to know each other. Finally, she gave into him, thinking he was being very genuine and unlike the character he was portraying. The man he was to her, when no one was around or when he DECIDED he wanted to be her friend, was the man she enjoyed being around and was thankful for being a part of her life. She saw past his flaws. She knew he wasn't perfect but, to her, he was a man like no other. He was kind, compassionate, understanding, caring, and a cheerleader. He wasn't like any other men who had branched out to extend the olive branch of friendship. She knew with one look into his soft, stained glass, mysterious works of art sapphire eyes, she did see a man of God. A man, who God had sent into her life to help her in some way. A man whom she felt she could one day trust with her heart and soul too and could possibly have a life long friendship. Soon, that trust would be broken.

The trust wasn't hard to break.  To be a friend to her, all she longed for was someone to just be there, to understand her, and try to return the gratitude,  compassion, and kindness. All she needed was a friend who wouldn't shun her in public when others were around and would not be afraid to reach out to her, asking how she was, seeking the chance to get to know her, and to value the gift she could be in his life, like he was in her. She didn't want to change him. She just wanted him to always be himself but, she sometimes questioned God about how could he present her with a man who sometimes would be that supportive friend, who she told things to first and she shared personal and private moments with, often before her friends and family.

Boy she had never met a man who drove her up a wall, made her want to scream, shout, and go punch a wall but, at the same time, go sing out loud, write again. Alright let's admit, he became her muse and she started writing again. He pushed her in ways like no one else had.  It's like finally she felt she had been blessed with a friend who understood her madness for athletic and academic drive.  Somewhere in the midst of things, however, what started out as something different, unique, and  unexpected turned out to go south. NOT to the deep South but, the DEEP south.  Ever since she mentioned the possibilities of going to the land down under in May, he started treating her different but, WHY?

She couldn't take the rolling of the eyes from him. She couldn't take the illusion of support from him. She couldn't him acting as if she mattered to him but, then would turn around and let his actions define he didn't care about her as a friend should. Maybe she was all making this up in her head.  Maybe she really was a mystery and complicated like he suggested to her once.  Maybe he really wasn't the mystery like she suggested to him. Who could only know but God.  In her heart though, she could see past it all and because of her faith in the Lord, she allowed the power and gift of Love to prevail and she did like any typical Southern girl, fell for a man completely out of her league.

God how she wanted it to know that night it was him, him who hurt her.  She could careless if he had fallen for her or not.  All that mattered to her is if he could just find it in himself to see what he did.  Someone in this world had to call him out his actions speaking louder than words.  Even though she didn't have a right to protect him, her heart couldn't resist but to protect him.  The odds of him ever protecting her, highly doubtful.  Yes, she had prayed he'd one day stand up for her, like a friend or supportive person would but, it was something she questioned now.  She'd swallowed her pride for him so many times and even defended him to her elders.  Mostly when the world was judging him, she was quick to point out he shouldn't be, no one has the right to be judging but God.  This was all useless she thought.

Why on earth, on that really HOT December evening would the time present itself that she'd finally be open and honest with him, heaven only knows.  She had no shame in letting him know he made her cry 3 times and what he drove her to almost do.  She had no shame in saying that she wouldn't be the same because of this and had no regrets.  Still, even when questioned about the perfect man list, she knew she threw it out and God had the perfect list for her.  Additionally, she never expected to have this happen with others around.  Well now that she looks back on it, the King and his loyal men where stronger and taller than her.  They all could have taken her out but, all of them, expect one whom seem to be in his own little world, wanted to find the guy who broke her heart and make sure he knew about it.

She thought, "suppose they were all being friends and seemingly kind about it all, how can they go beat up on the King himself. I mean it'd be funny for the King to go punch himself but, almost impossible." For her, it was unusual someone would want to do this. Actually, a part of seemed at peace and satisfied with it all. Nothing could go back in time to heal a broken heart and fix what needed to be fixed. Nor, could anyone undergo much more humiliation that had already taken place. Regardless, by the end of the time spent with the King and someone of his loyal companions, she had no doubt in her mind she followed her faith and her heart about keeping the true identity of the "heartless man" a secret.

Her justice came when she saw all of them there just searching and fishing for answers and clues.  Months ago, she wouldn't have had the guts to keep his identity hidden but now, her Christian love for him was much stronger than her pain of her heart.  She just felt sorry for them if they ever did figure it out.  I mean seriously how could someone really want to hurt themselves.  The truth of the matter is, she was able to smile and be courageous.  She was spot on by listening to her gut and not giving into their secret motives.  So what if one of the King's men at the table knew the truth.  He didn't give up the King nor would she.  They were both smarter than that. The only thing she held on her conscious that night was even after it was all said and done, would the King still treat her the same and respect her as she respected him.

As he hugged her good night and she thanked him for his solidarity as he walked her to the door, she could see it in his tired eyes, he still wondered who this "man" was but, deep down she could see he had a clue. He understood where she was coming from but, knew they both were content with the unique and unexpected friendship they held.  A part of her was laughing in her mind how he thought the man wasn't really a person but, at the same time she knew she had won and gotten peace. She was right to tell him that she didn't know if this man was ever coming back again and only God knew.  For with one look in his eyes, she knew this was God's plan all along and the timing was perfect.

The next couple of days rolled around and things seemed to be back to normal.  Hopefully he understood where she was coming from and could see her notions of it all.  She just prayed that God would continue to touch his life and work in ways like no other.  She still believed he was that man of God whom, she met 9 month prior and the man whom she shared very personal information with. Maybe, just maybe, one day should could let him in on the biggest clue to the puzzle.  Yes, there was one piece of the puzzle that he needed to know why people looked out for her and didn't ever want to see her hurt. But for now, to the King, he knew all the information he was meant to know and truly would never know that the man who broke her heart, was the same man who appeared to rule the Land.

With many smiles and blessings, the Lady knew what class she belonged to and it most certainly wasn't in the  Kings. As sad as this tale must be put on pause, she could finally smile again and understand she was somewhat better off without him. This was her chance to listen to God and she was his plan was. Mostly, not matter what, she knew the King did know, even if he really didn't know it, she did fall in love with the real him and would always care about him but, knew it wasn't right. There really wasn't such a thing has perfect or fairy tales.  A person's eyes never lie nor their actions. Who knows, maybe one day this would all make sense.

The Perfect Man- A List that No Longer Exist!

For so long, I had a list; a list of the perfect man and all the qualities he had to have.  You know, ironically, I believe a part of me met the perfect man who knocked me off my feet and completely captivated my heart.  

Here's the list I once had: 

I know every girl has a wish. Has a dream. However, we always tend to find ourselves placing these forts around our hearts. So, once upon a dream, I wrote this. Only simply as a meer wish and to warn you, that I know he doesn't exist. Yet, as a wise woman once told me, "be careful what you wish for" 


So read about the "Perfect Man" 


I love to meet the perfect man. And to be honest.. I'm not really looking for him either. I didn't come to college for that! Sounds corny I know but, it's true. if he happens to read this he knows who he is because he's already said it! (or maybe i was just dreaming)

The Perfect Man

He is a man with a good heart, loves God, and family plays a key role in his life. He's a person who doesn't care if I have a little extra baggage, just that he sees the good hearted and energetic person I am. He is caring, understanding, supportive, and is opened minded. He can see the goodness in everyone and is willing to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. He is respectful and thoughtful. He knows what he wants to do with his life. He knows things about you and remembers them and can read what's on your mind. When it comes to my family, he is willing to meet the parents first and get to know them and the family. AND He doesn't mind my daddy's "21 Questions."

He enjoys spending quality time with me, even if it's discussing books, movies, tv, or anything as we walk along the shoreline and the sun sets. OR just sitting outside underneath the South Texas Stars. Or my favorite thing, just sitting together, in each other's company, enjoying every moment together.

As for his looks, he'll have the most exquisite emerald eyes or he'll have those , bold, boundless and blissful blue eyes. With just look into them, you can see your eyes in them and they are glistening back at you while, you can see the depths of his soul. He'll have that shaggy, yet short, brown hair, that if given the opportunity, you run through it or that Beach Boy blonde hair. 

Mostly about this man; he's confident, content, positive, and my biggest cheerleader and I am his. He's a one woman show. He sees me for the "REAL" southern girl that I am and remembers what makes me so intriguing. As I see him for who he really is and how intriguing he is.

Who know's he could even drive a Chevy or  Ford truck, that's perfect for those drives to the middle of no where or for laying in the bed of the truck to enjoy the Texas Stars!

Here's the thing, I wrote this very detailed list on 6/20/2006, the very day my godbrother was sent off to basic training.  Yet  now, as I look back, I am not even for sure if the perfect man truly doesn't exist. Maybe I was blinded by things.  

Now here's the thing, all of this doesn't matter anymore. All that matters to me, if I had a list would be, he's a man of god, can manage money well, would be willing to actually sit in a Catholic service, (of course family and education is a given), and loves me for who I am and wouldn't expect me to change.  Crazy part is, it took me finding perfect and getting my heart broken to see that I'm not ready for a relationship. Funny part is, the "perfect man" knows I have a list but, he doesn't even know it! Life does have it twist! 

God's In Control & I'm Never Letting Go: A J Ko Song

It's amazing how life is
And many blessings we've all been given
I know sometimes I'm speechless and motionless
Unable to begin to explain it all
Just thanking God everyday
None of this making any sense
Trying for the answers to figure it out
Solve the riddles
So where do I begin

Chorus:
Staring at you
Gazing into you eyes
As you stood there
That's a memory I'll forever hold on too
It's like you're embedded on my heart and soul
Still I'm at peace with you
I know this sounds crazy
It's like either sinking or swimming
But I'm glad you're here with me
It's like the one I once knew
Had decided to appear again
But for how long will he stay
Will he stay
In my mind and in my heart
I know just  pray
God'll give me the strength
To grasp onto this
Never letting go
Oh never letting go

Verse:
So I finally began to see
That none of this was a waste of time
Life's full of ups and downs
And reading between the lines
Still I know God has his plan for me
Has a purpose for why people
Have been blessed in my life
Even if I try to fight it
God's strength is more powerful
And he knows what's best
Especially when I feel lost
Then I find myself
Thinking of someone
Who is inspires me and moves more
So I stand there and sing

Chorus

It may seem that I've been lost
But now I've found myself
In a state of grace and contentment
I know exactly where I am
I'm home
Oh home yeah
When I'm here
I feel like I could dance underneath the Texas Stars
Run in that field of bluebonnets
Or let my hair down
It's like dancing in the rain
Washin my pain away
Wishing you could enjoy the ride
But all I can say to

Chorus

Oh I'm never letting go
For you've inspired my soul
And God's in control

What do You Say to That: A J Ko Song

This song is dedicated to the one with Stained Glass Blue windows!

There you sit
Pretty content with your life
Trying to just get by
Making it through the tests
Presented at you
And the ones ahead of you
Unsure of what's going on
But you sit back and ask
What she's sees
When she looks at you

Chorus:
She says,

As I gaze into your eyes
I see a set stained glass windows
Full of a mystery
Just waiting to be solved
The more one admires the works of art
The more one becomes captivated
And lost In a sea of bright and boundless blues
Setting sail on a course
Only God knows where it's going
All in due time
He'll make it known
The answers one's been waiting for
Now what do you say to that
Oh what do you say to that

Verse:

As time surpasses them
All gathered in the bleak room
White as winter snow
Converstation carries on
A little of the unknown surfaces
You appear to become intrigued
Curious in what she's saying
You seemed to be inspired
And motivated to ask her
What she's thinking
But

Chorus

Before you know it
It's all about reading between the lines
Trying to justify her way of thinking and feeling
Trying to understand her loving way with words
Hopefully  understanding her logic
Holding on to her intentions
Still you know she's observing you
Watching your every move
Seeing your reaction to her notions
But all you can do
Is ask her what she sees
When she looks into your eyes
As her compassion unfolds

Chorus

She tells you
"Just know your eyes say
More than one can every predict or know"
She knows when she looks at you
She sees right through you
Knowing you're a man of God
Full of love, kindness, and compassion
Something often forgotten and not realized
So true to that (yes true)
You sit in disbelief
Yet all you can ask her
How she sees all this

Chorus X 2

Now what do you say
What do you say bright eyes
Oh what do you say bright eyes
To all that

Being at Peace with the King

Tonight looking at the moon
She was finally able to have the courage and strenght
To allow herself to face reality and generate the words
She'd been longing to say to the King for so long
Words that may appear to be soothing 
But more so the truth straight from her heart

She could never believe
In a thousand years
She'd find herself staring at the man
Who caused her to tape her heart back together
Who drove her nuts
Yet at the same time
Someone who she prayed would be in her life
For as long as God would allow him to be

Gazing into those light eyes
In the room bleak as could be
She was a little in disbelief
However, knew this was a part of God's plan
This meeting was unexpected
But all she could do was forget
Forget about the pain he caused her

All she wanted to do
Was tell him that
She wasn't angry with him
She didn't want him to be harmed
She did want him to feel her pain
To the extent that his heart
Could be turned
Turned from being cold as ice
To warm as the bright Texas sun

Finally this was her chance
Her chance to be open with him
To give her demands
To ultimately give her just satisfaction
A part of her wanted to hold it in
But she knew the only way to let him know
Exactly what her heart had been saying

Before she knew it
Holding his attention
She felt someone had taken the key
Placed it in the box
Only opening it up to the allow the escape of the truth
This was unexpected
Yet a blessing

Observing his body language
Seeing how his smile brought life to the room
Made her realize
The man who she once knew
Actually could possibly still exist
Not the King he had appeared to be

This was her big moment
Unashamed and unafraid
She finally could tell her truest feelings
No holding back
She told him what broke her heart
How she felt because of him
What it had been like putting her life back together

Yes, she did admit to falling for him
Though she understood
He had a purpose for being in her life
He opened her eyes
Turning her pale blues
To bright blues full of stars

Nevertheless it all made sense
She had just been able to tell him
She could forgive him but, not forget him
She held no regrets of their friendship
No regrets of time spent together
How he changed her life

There he sat
Still and motionless in his chair 
Gazing her in the eyes
Seeing her emotions and feelings
Be come reality
All while holding her explanation

Finally
She was at peace with herself
No longer feeling like the pauper
The society had dictated
Finally the King no longer appeared
To be a man of invinsibility in her life
Finally she was free of him
Able to let it go
Having a sound mind and healed heart

A note from the one and only J Ko

Hello out there to all my wonderful J Ko loyal readers.  I'm sure you're wondering what's been going on and why I haven't been writing as many blogs as I should be.  Well, I hate to break it to y'all but sometimes the complications of life can take it's toll on you.  I'm sure some of y'all might want to know what's going on with the story of the servant and the King. Others might be wanting to know what other interesting things that I have to write about.  I can tell you I do have a few things written in bits and pieces.  I hate leaving y'all out in the cold, that's for sure.

Trust me, I do some good things to write. I'd love to continue to tell the story of the servant and the King. It's actually interesting events that I have brewing in my mind, I just have the domination of the life of biblical studies. Each day seems more and more of a mystery and other things continue to be unveiled to me that I want to add.  So, you'll just have to hold on till I can tell you!

Let's just say, my inspiration has been drawing from a strange case of events!

Thanks for staying loyal and true!

Until next time!

Con Amor Siempre,

J Ko

Waiting to Board a flight to neverland: Reflecting on the past 24 hours

Today's the day she's been awaiting for
For over the past several months
Finally her chance to show people
She isn't afraid of overcome the odds
She couldn't believe she was
About to board a plane to Neverland
Face some of her biggest fears
All alone basically
With no one really to hold her hand
Was she ready to fully do this?

She had already broken
The chains of her wounded heart
Showed she could surpass
Illnesses, injuries, and negativity
Overcome much more than
Anyone would have expected
She discovered grace, forgiveness, and a new sense of being
Just reliving her passions
Nothing really could weigh her spirits & drive down

Despite the mistakes she'd made
She had learned from them
she'd grown from them
Even slowly started to open
Her eyes and heart to
What God was presenting her with

For the past 24 hours
Had really seemed so surreal
None of it made sense
In a way it all felt like it a dream
God what was going on?

Things were falling into place
In some odd way
Work was getting done
There really seemed
Like there was no division occurring
Among the people in the land

Even the King and his men
Held a different attitude and spirit
Towards the servants and those not of high class
Very scary!

As she ran into the King
That previous morning
She flet she didn't know him
No matter the mockery
Heard in the background from his men
He gave her his undivided attnetion
WOW what did she do to deserve this
Was the King she knew coming back?

About 18 hours before her flight
She met with the King
On official business
Though she didn't want to
Have to write the story nor this meeting
She knew God had his plan
The hysterical side of it
Was the day of the meeting

26 years prior
Her parents were united in Holy Matrimony
And Her grandfather went dancing with the Angels
How much more ironic could things get

After the meeting was over
Neither departed
They stayed engrossed in conversation
Maybe this was the way
It was meant to be all along
Regardless she was able to
Express many words of honesty
Straight from the heart to him

Also she felt the man
She once knew and want to know
Was there right in front of her
Sitting across from her
Enjoying her company
As she enjoyed his

At one point in time
She glanced into his stained glass sapphires
And could actually shee her eyes
Staring back at her
She was speechless
Without thought
And could only think
God was in control
None of this added up

Nevertheless it seemed
All the air had been cleared
Time could only tell
One would hope
When the two departed
There seemed to be something
Anew or different in the air
And between the King and servant
maybe the two did understand each other

All she knew was
She was at peace
And completely content
With things in her life
Happy exactly where she was
No would she change
A thing about it

"Hello girl. Wake up. Get a grip."
That's all she kept thinking
She needed to be pinched
Smacked with a frying pan
Brought back down to Earth

While she sat on a plane
Waiting to go 19,000 feet into the clear blue sky
Nothing made sense to her anymore
It appeared she had been blessed
Blessed with some gifts, angels, and a beautiful life
She didn't feel she deserved
She wasn't anyone special
All she was
Was a servant
Taking a second chance
Living with no regrets
Going after her dreams
And answering God's call

"Passengers at this time
The captain has turned on the fasten seat belts sign
And the cabin door has been closed."

Take off
Off to Neverland!

1 more hour to go: Whatever happen to the King she once knew?

There was the road she was driving on
She knew where she was going
She had driven this path for the past 4 months
Yet today's drive seemed a little different

She couldn't seem to wrap her head around a few things
No way in a millions years could she had believed
She'd be back in competition mode
Working on fulfilling her dream
Overcoming the odds
Doing what people couldn't have expected her to do
Still a part of her still felt shattered

About a month after her training
The unexpected occured
She never expected to have path
Get crossed with the King
And to start to see the compassionate, caring, gentler side
A part of her had actually missed this King

But as days drifted away
Summer turned to Fall
She soon realized that she had gotten in to deep
She had believed in her heart
That the King was a good hearted man
Not a boy full of ruthlessness and arrogency
He had changed from the ways others in the land
Had been describing him, viewing him, and judging him
She chose not to listen
Only defend him to others

People called her blind, foolish, and other names
Saying she wasn't in her right mind
These words burned her soul because
They came from people who supported her throughout her journey
She only wanted the world to see what she could
Once the boy King took off his mask
And stopped hiding away from the rest of the world

For some reason
She began to trust him
Which was completely not her way of being
She never let her guard down, put her trust in anyone, or open up
What was she doing
How could this be happening to her
How could she
A servant of the land
Respect, care, admire, and want to be friend a King
Who in return
Only showed his vindictive and cruel, cunning ways now

Somewhere along the way
The man who she wanted to know
The man whom she thought cared for her
As a human being
Forgetting she was only a servant to the land
Had disappeared
And became the King whom the land believed he was

She had had enough
A part of her wanted to walk away from him
A part of her still believe that somewhere deep down
Was the man of worth, faith, kindness, and everything
She felt, saw, and got to know
When their paths crossed
On that dreary summer night
He was better than the boy he presented himself to be

As time grew near for her
To enter the world of competition
She missed the King
Whom she thought was someone
Who understood her and could relate
She missed their converstations, jokes, and exchange of smiles
However she knew it was all over now
The King chose his crown and his heirarchy of people
The "beautiful" and "rich" people

Although her heart would be torn of confussion
And she may never be able to understand
The meaning behind the King's bi-polarism
She'd never forget the way he did show his heart
At one point is
As of now though
She had to say she was done
She'd worked to hard
To worry about someone
Who appareantly
Only cared about himself and not the representation of his character
She was done making excuses

While she continued to shift her mind back to the road
She knew God was in complete control
And knew exactly what was going on
Maybe one day the King would become the man
She knew he could be
Not the boy he turned out to be
She only had to walk by her faith
Not by her sight
And never stop believing nor
Underestimating perfection

She looked at the clock...
1 more hour

Wanting to Escape to Neverland: A J Ko mini-story

It seemed he rode into town
On his steel ton horse
Appearing to the crowds
Expecting to be cheered on
By all that are gathered across the land

As he came into town
Everyone makes way for him
Regardless if he appears
To be absorbing the limelight
Treating people one way in public
Yet privately mocking them
Showing no signs of gratitude
Just letting arrogance get in the way

She couldn't bare to be a witness to this
It took for such a long time
His treatment of people that is
She wanted to stand up to him
Yelling at him his ways
Truly needed to change
And he needed to take a look in the mirror

What happened to the man
Whom she was honored to know
Excited to be associated with
Live in the same land as him
The man whom she defended
Without a blink
Just trusting her faith

Now she just sees
A man who is riding on a steel horse
Who is secretly letting his pinchers come out
A man who knows how to show
His cold, ruthless, and no emotional side
A man who appeared to have nothing but a stone cold heart

She knew he once was wrapped in caution tape
He had a big flashing warning sign
She had been warn the man wasn't what he appeared
He may had appeared to be a man of worth and service
But deep down she knew the truth

Somehow on her path to self discovery
She was able to past the mask he once wore
And see that he was just man
Wearing a people pleaser mask
That underneath it all
He wasn't nothing but
A man who was lost in his own world
A man who could appear to be someone
The world would be proud to know
Call a hero

Still some how that man had disappeared
Over the past months of knowing him and observing him
She felt that man she once cared about
Had just been an act
And should have known he was trouble from the start
She wish she could go back and change things
But damage had already done

She just wanted to fly off to Neverland
A land where he had no domain
Where he couldn't play people for a fool
Nor read too much into their gestures
Assuming something was more than what it
Really was deep down

No Neverland would be the place
Where people were free of judgement
Treated equally no matter what
There was no ruler but God
No one to tell people what they should feel or think
No one to question their emotions or others

The first moment she could escape
The same land as this so called man
She would take a one way ticket to Neverland
She wouldn't have to fear the man and his entourage
No more ungratefulness occurring
No more  having to see
Others not having confidence
Or filled with insecurities

So til then
She would just pray he'd get a reality check
He'd come to his senses
Grow up a little
And maybe,
Just maybe see there were people who cared about him
For the man he could be and once was
Yet, this all seemed highly doubtful

Eventually though
She'd be able to escape the King
And freely soar in Neverland
Forgetting the he ever existed
Or waltzed into her life

Guarding the heart from the King: A J.Ko story

Guarding the Heart from the King
By J.Ko
(This was just a random story I wrote one day while working in the Zone last week)

She guards her heart
Refusing to let the king and his court
See the truest colors of her golden heart
She tried her hardest to express her kindness and gratitude
Serving them with a polite smile, respect, and friendship
Never once really shouting her inner most thoughts
Most certainly never wanting to disrupt the peace

Even when she didn't always agree with the King's decisions
She only showed her most sincerity towards him
Respecting him and supporting
Of at least tried to show him she supported him
Throughout his trials and tribulations
Yet deep down
She could see beyond his crystal sapphires
That shielded his soul from the rest of the world

Regardless if he refused to demonstrate
His softer, gentler side to the world
She knew  that man existed
However she knew the King
Wouldn't let the world or his men see
Most likely the land wouldn't understand it
Nevertheless who was she

She was just a mere servant to the land
Reporting the news
Entertaining the crowd like a jester
A scholar in training
Who observed the people in the land
With an open mind and heart
Seeing things differently from others
So she's been told
Refusing to get caught up in the King's web
Acting like the norm
Continuing to live her life & holding her own

Oh but deep down
She did hold her secrets that
Would take a wise man to unlock
She may not wear her heart on her sleeve
Nor express the feelings of the heart
She was enjoying not being in the spotlight

For she did not truly despise the King at all
There was something more
She knew what she wanted to tell the King
Yes the would be a private matter of the heart
Still it wouldn't be something she'd share openly
The only way she'd share it
Would be on a few terms
Maybe when all the fall leaves come off the trees
Or when it rains in this drought
Or maybe when he goes for over 200, with a 55+
And get half her age in combined attacks
She'd unlock the mystery to the King
Nevertheless she knew the truth of it all

When would the King see
She could see  beyond his front
And not go anywhere because she understood
Come to surface again
Would she have to confront him about it
With the busy lives of the land
There'd never be the time for the realistic points
To be addressed
Doubt she'd even be heard

She was only a servant to the land
She wasn't of hierarchy
She didn't fit in with the King's men or ladies
Nor did she aspire to be
She wanted SO much more
She only wanted to fit in with the Heavenly King
She wasn't someone graveling at his feet
Begging to serve him at the drop of a hat
She was someone who did speak her mind to him
Still she had her reservations

Beyond reality
She knew she had to guard her heart
Hide her emotions and feelings
Stand firm in her convictions and morals
Continuing to live, work, train, & serve
Never changing to please another
Staying focused on her ambitions
As she had been doing
Before she even knew the King

All she knew was
She had to be careful
And not get her hopes up
Only pray the King
Could one day see
He was more than what
He appeared to the world to be
He was a man of faith and worth
Most importantly
He too had a servant's heart of gold
He just had to take his crown off

But that day
Will be the day
When he sees
That every mystery
Is full of beauty, grace, love
And has the ability to be solved

Hiding from the Spotlight: A J Ko Song

Hiding from the Spotlight
By J.Ko 10/15/2012

Every single day
I walk down the road
Thanking God for all my blessings
Some I don't deserve I believe
Yet I know God has His plan
And will prove me with all I need
Oh..Oh..Oh..
I couldn't ask for more
But there's just one thing
I wish I could burst out singing

Chorus:

Underneath my baby blues
Lies a mystery awaiting to be unveiled
A mystery to a world
Full of love, life, Christ, and so much more
A heart full of purity and Gold
All it takes is a little time
Out of your busy life
To sit down and engage in getting to know
The not so mysterious and complicate girl
I am acclaimed to be
Though I may no publicly show my ultimate feelings
Privately I'll let you know
Exactly what I'm truly thinking, feeling, and beleivin'
I just want to hide it all away form the spotlight

Vs. 2
People pass me by
I flash them a simple "Hi" or "Hello"
With a Southern smile
Showing my Texan hospitality
That I've been raised on
Never letting them see
I'm flying on the edge of my seat
Seeing where God's takine me
On my 2nd chances
On this bless road of redemption (yeah)
Because

(Chorus)

Vs. 3
It's hard to show the truth
Of what has held me back
When I'm ready to leave it all
In Yesterday
Forgetting the pain
Of every heartache and devestation
The hurt and the scars
Finally overomcing all my fears
Putting myself back together
Being able to feel again
And know it's possible to let someone in
But only time can tell
So open up your eyes to see
I just need you to be patient and understanding
Willing to take that chance
Seeing

Chorus

Vs 4
I know I may come across
As one heck of a mess
Complicated and confusing at times
Please don't be scared
I'm not trying to intimidate anyone
Pushing anyone away
Or make someone go runnin'
It's just all of this is so new
Hopefully the world can understand that
I don't want to my heart on my sleeve
I just am ready for the changes
God has in store
Not trying to be in the spotlight (spotlight)
As I'm living out my dreams
Can you see

Chorus x 2

Hiding from the Spotlight.... yeah.....

What are your priorities? Who is your priority? Reflections of 2 readings and a Gospel!

Tonight sitting at Mass, I was sitting at Mass listening to the Father at St. Margaret Mary's back in San Antonio, after trying to run around trying to find an idle pulley assembly for my poor JJ. Yes last night trying to back up out of the parking lot from meeting my parents for dinner in Floresville, I heard a pop and I knew it.  Any who if knows me, I have been spending the past 3 months preparing for my first major competition after recovering from a knee injury and deciding that yes, I'm bound and determine to get a 2nd chance in one of the most craziest sports a girl could could be in- baton twirling.

Father begin with a story of an Olympic athlete- training to have the opportunity participate in the Olympic games. The athlete arrives at the games, performs his or her routine, awaits for the the judges to present their score. At that moment, the athlete is thinking all the training and practice that went into that moment is about to be challenged by a set of scores. Moments late, the scores are reveled, sometimes the athlete advances to the finals, the athlete podiums, or the athlete goes home with the feeling of failure and unable to receive the desires of his or her heart because of lacking something.
The athlete comes back to America completely CRUSHED! As in life, we have times when we've been told we're lacking something and we become completely devastated.

In our lives we're faced with choices from God. We have to see that it is important that we let things go and actually doing what he's asking.  We have take the opportunities that God presents us with.  There are preconditions of discipleship with God, trusting God with any and everything.  We all need and must trust God. The question is, do we all trust and truly follow Christ.

Here's a thought from scripture, the book of Wisdom to be exact: Nothing is a priceless, more beautiful than the who has a pure heart and is able to see the true treasure is in heaven. Also understand he loved her more than light, gold, and silver.

All of us have things we hold as treasures  yet, do we have our proprieties in line? What are your priorities in life? What are you willing to give up? Are you willing to accept the uniqueness of life because you are unique? In order to see God's plan fully you must show trust in him and make him and Jesus your top priority in life.

At the end of Mass, this woman behind me tells me, "Never let anyone tell you your heart isn't pure, beautiful  and your song you're singing is a way for God to allow you to touch live. He has given you a amazing gift and you're extremely beautiful. May you keep on touching lives and I just know he blessed you in so many ways and you have the ability to touch lives and hearts. Never lose your purity."


She made me think about what someone once told me, Never make someone a priority when they are only making you an option. I had been told that 4 years ago, and I had completely forgotten about that. I've realized here lately, I feel that is what I've been doing. Therefore, I believe God had me be there at that Mass for several reasons. So time for some re-prioritizing! 

Can you give me a manual please

I wish I could be handed a manual
Of all your plans and expections of me
Every day I wish you could tell me
Exactly what you need me to know
What my purpose is
And what you want from me.

Sometimes I feel so lost
Int this world
amongst the sea of faces
Hiding behind their masks

Life would be easier
If you could just provide us
With a playbook of plays
So we're ready to face
anything headstrong, aromour and all
Always ready to make that move
Being completely fearless
Not having to stay on our toes

Right now ti's all a confusing mess
Playing the waiting game
Having to be exteremly patient
Letting you be in control
Not knowing what's going to happen
No clarity or understanding
Why can't you give me a manual, script, or playbook?

Things would be so much easier
Simplier and less confusing
No one would have to explain themseleves
No more mysteries to be solved
All the books opened
Read cover to cover
Plays played out fully
Everyone is a winner
In the crazy sea of life
No more need for masks

I know I'm not alone: A J Ko Song

I Know I'm Not Alone

I'm feeling alive
I'm feeling free
I just want to let my hair down
And run in the wind
I just want to shake it off
All the bad things that's happened to me
None of that all matters now
Now that I see
Who I really am
Where I'm going
All because

Chorus:

I know I'm not alone anymore
I know I'm able to break my chains
I know that I'm saved by grace
Love's surrounding me every day
I am healed by His mercy
I am fortunate to have
Angels at my side
Guiding me along the way
Nothing can explain
What I'm feeling in my heart
I know I can make it

The power of life overcomes me
As I realize my new found strength
No more running from my fears
Just accepting all my blessings
Embracing the light
So it can shine through me
Letting the world see

Chorus

No more being overwhelmed
With the fashions of life
The worries of yesterday are gone
I'm flying so high
I'm believing in myself again
And I see my dreams
Nothing in this world can hold me back
No more (no, no)
So..

Chorus

Yeah I know I'm not alone
Yeah I know!

You Don't Know What You Do to Me: A J Ko Song

You Don't Know What You Do to Me:
A J Ko song

You don't know what you do to me (yeah)
You don't know what you do to me
You don't know how you drive me crazy
How you push me to do my best
Inspire me in more than one way
Being around you
Helps brings out the best in me (oh-oh)

Chorus
I just wish I could tell you
What my heart's secretly holding in
Maybe you'd be able to understand
How with you
I know God's place you in my life
And I wouldn't change it
No I wouldn't
Or have it any other way
Even though I may not show it
I'd wait patiently to see
If there's even a chance
For you to know
How I see you, believe in you
And can only pray
We only do have the rest of our lives
To see where this journey is going to take us

All we have is time
God's time you've said
And I'm learning that surely but, slowly
It's something you've shown me for sure
You've open my eyes to a new world
Over this short period of time
So I'm finding myself in a place
Conquering fear and just allowing myself to feel
Trying not to over analyze it all yeah
It's something new
Something I've never known before
But...

Chorus

When I felt like pushing and pulling from you
There was just something about those stained glass eyes
I could see beyond the surface
I tired to ignore it at first
All I wanted to do was solve the riddle
But then things changed
I was stopped in my tracks
With you there was someone
I was the real me with
Forgetting the past and unashamed
And I could see the heart of a man
Touched by the light and saved by His grace

Chorus x 2

So I'm saying
You may drive me crazy
But I couldn't ask for more

Being able to feel again

So maybe it's the sleep in me that's getting caught up or something but, in the past 48 hours, my eyes and heart really have been open. I think in my collegiate career I have done the most craziest thing ever, scrapping a paper and rewriting it, yes ALL 23 pages it!  I can still see my fairy godmother now and the look in her eyes (I thought that girl wanted to kick me in my butt or take her wand and turn me into a pumpkin or something).  She always warned me, "Don't go falling in love with your research."  Well, you how they say, be careful what your wish for or what you say, I'm really starting to understand that words can come back to bite ya.

Driving back from Marbles Falls, jamming out to Green Day in JJ, I had this creative rush over coming my brain.  Maybe it was an adrenaline rush from getting to see my parents and aunt for dinner or the fact that God was moving mountain or maybe my heart was finally allow itself to just let go and maybe just live and feel.  I was attempting not to try to figure it all out.  I just knew that I had these great ideas brewing in my mind and I was on a mission to help the world understand Rock music and its connection to Christianity.  More importantly, I really think I was attempting to not let my heart try to worry about feelings.

Speaking of feelings, on Friday, after venting to my sweet and blessing angelic coach, I noticed my heart was starting to truly feel for the first time after so many years.  I almost had forgot if it was capable of knowing the  effects of it. It's almost as if it has caught me off guard, hit me like a ton of bricks, come at me like a speeding train, and into my life so unexpectedly. I realized that I had NO earthly idea what was going on.  I wasn't calling upon God on how to handle it.  For so long, prior to present, I had been ashamed of who I was because of the health issues I had, the past I had, the crazy roller coaster of life I'm always riding, and the way that I see I am living my life: School, Church, Sport, Work, Family. Living this 2nd Chance in life to the fullest. No room for any errors.  However, little did I expect a blessing or I'm not for sure what to call it.

All my, if you know my testimony you're pretty understanding to why I'm always hitting the hills running when it comes to feelings and emotions, I've constantly pushed people away. I've always tried to be the superwoman, cared for people, made sure everyone was ok, worried, and took care of everyone else because that was in my human nature. Never once did I really let others, particularly the male race (asides for say my father, my godbrother, or mentors) care for me or reach to me. Over the years, I've gotten comfortable with the idea and understand that people were going to be generally understanding and caring, the women in my life, towards me. Men on the other hand, well not really. Why get close, they eventually walk out besides, 9 out of 10 think I'm nuts and crazy anyways. Besides, my time hear on Earth is precious.

Well about 2 months ago, when the storm of the semester began, I got into a boat, and had NO idea what I was getting myself into.  A part of me was just a little timid and didn't really know what God was doing. My life was changing and all I wanted to was take this 2nd chance from God and not worry about distractions or anything.  I certainly wasn't expecting anyone or anything to just pop out of the blue.  Nevertheless, I guess I soon learned God always knows what is better for us, who and what we need, and sometimes our way of thinking isn't what is always correct.

Now something that is going to blow the world by storm for sure.  Through this storm that I've been sailing in, God has completely sent someone, who at first I thought was a complete shark or deadly creature trying to distract me or what not from my goals and plans but, I was SO wrong. After I stopped overthinking and worrying, I became unblinded and could see so much light in the storm. I could see that God had place this person in my life for a particular reason, and has every intention of keeping this person in my life for the time being.  Even if I'm not 100% sure why, I can't wait to see.  I know despite the fact that this person drives me up the wall I know in my heart and mind, every moment, conversation is well worth my time.  It's really not every day you find someone you can really be yourself with and not have to worry about the wickedness of your past.

I'm not for sure what is going to happen but, I know that my soul has been touched by God's grace and God has used his child to impact my life in more ways already, more than they know.  Sometimes I have wondered how it wasn't possible to notice this person sooner but, it's about God's timing, not ours.  At first my fears of feeling and the unknown got in the way but, now, I'm praying God will just keep our eyes and hearts open to see what amazing works he has planned.

Again, how crazy is it to think, it'd be able for me, the crazy grad student, to have a ice cold heart, to be turned from ice to something full of unexplainable warm words?

Massive Writer's Block!

I know I should be putting the final touches of my massive research paper which, for the most part is on its last leg, despite re-writing the conclusion and intro for the millionth time. I'm such a perfectionist   However, I have this massive writers block, a FIRST in ages.  My thoughts are completely scattered.  It's like my fears are coming out left and right.  Maybe it's because I know the expectations placed on me or the fact that I know this is my 2nd chance and I don't want to mess up again.  Look at me I'm one hot mess worried about making mistakes.  The human in me is coming out.

You know can I jump back in time to the setting of a Christian concert where it seemed like everyone was worshipping God and there was no worries.  Everything seemed to be washed away and there was nothing to consider at that moment in time.  All the stresses in life seemed to be placed in the appropriate places?

You know this past week has been crazy and insane. I think it's great how my brothers and sisters in Christ have been encouraging me to step out of the darkness and into the light, seeing great things, not missing out on things, not always living in the library or in the gym practicing.  Yet, in the back of my mind, I have no earthly idea what is going on.  In the past 24 years of my existence on this earth, that has NEVER been an option.  I don't know anything else.

Oh and for a curve ball, how would you like this not know what feelings you are experiencing that make you want to laugh, cry, live out loud. You know know God's in control, he's taking your hand, guiding you and leading you.  A part of you is so open to what he's doing but, then a part of you is so scare of letting yourself feel what he's doing.  It's almost as if your worst fear is actually feeling for someone, letting someone truly care about you, and actually get to know you.  The most craziest thing is, you're willing to hide your pride, sacrifice your time, and even when you're upset or mad, you can't be because you just want to reach at your hand saying "I'm supporting your choices, understanding of your decisions, and always going to be here as long as God sees I'm needed." The worst part, is not knowing.  The unknown because how do you know if the feelings are returned, even if you believe in your heart the time and moments are all worth it, there are two children of God involved.

Y'all see why I'm going nuts!

God what the heck is going on!!!

Even if God says, there is a perfect timing for everything, it's hard to understand, and you'll have to pray he'll guide you and show you his way.

The Intervention that Changed my Life

Alright you lovely and supportive readers of J Ko's blog, this probably will be my only blog of the week especially since I'm working on a few deadlines. My apologies in advance if you were hoping for more reads to help you go to sleep or just pure reading enjoyment.

All I can say, the past 72 hours God has been in complete control of things.
I'm not for sure what's really going on
Other than he's trying to have my eyes open
And using the people in my life to tell me something he's wanting me to hear
Maybe I needed this intervention but, I'm not for sure
I've been so blinded by my work, serving, my research, and my training
I had literally tried to turn everything into research
Thinking that was the best defense for me to stay focus
Little did I know I'd own up to the truth
The truth is- I'm FREAKIN' SCARED

Yes that's right sports fans you've heard it hear,
I'm scared and all I've even known, been told is
You make a mistake, you fix it
Therefore, you keep your head in the books
Your hands on your batons
And your heart serving the Lord
That's all I've really wanted to do this semester
Stay out of the spotlight and keep my head in the game
But wait-
All of that sounds good but, is that God's plan?

I've done something that I'm going to own up too
I've tried to run in some form from God's plan
I've probably turned into  a scarred cat because why
I didn't know what to do with what God was giving me
I couldn't admit it to myself
Yet people around me (who really have been able to figure me out)
Could really tell what I was doing
Therefore, they decided I needed a little intervention.

Here's the outcome of the intervention:

I apparently can go on caring about the world
Serving the Lord and giving back
Always being myself and going about life
Dedicating my time to my studies and athletic career (what I'm trying to rebuild)
I've got all these educational and professional plans talked about
Yet when it comes to personal plans
I just have a list of a perfect man, that needed to be thrown out the window.
I walk around not letting anyone get close to me because the moment it does
I fall apart and push them away, not allowing God's work to be done
I will not own up to the fact that I'm a scared to death of a personal life
Do to the fact that I never allowed myself to see it was possible or worth the time
The biggest thing is, if I continued waltzing down the path I am going
I'll continue to over think and analyze EVERYTHING and EVERYONE
I need to stop being a researcher/interpreter/an athlete for one moment
And embrace the goodness that God's blest me with.
Ultimately, if I continue to let the world's view bother me or scare me
I'll be unable to see what God's trying to tell me or show me

Nevertheless,
As it was put to me in various ways
I need to learn that yes, having a personal life, not published everywhere
Is completely normal and actually healthy, hence a balance in life
The worst thing I could do is reflect on the past
Stop worrying about making mistakes again
Look at what I've overcome and how far I've gotten
Continue showing gratitude to those who are my angels by my side
And open my big eyes to see that God's trying to tell me about certain characters
Let him take my hand and just live
See what I see how you can look at person
See kindness, gratitude, the light, and a Godly person
Be open to what God is doing in your life
And understand that the characters in your life need you
And you need them.
More importantly-
STOP LIVING IN THE LIBRARY, CALVARY, AND THE ZONE
AND LET PEOPLE GET TO SEE WHAT "WE" SEE IN YOU
YOU HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE AND SHARE WITH THE WORLD.
If I didn't stop to do this, this group of people have warned me
You'll never truly be able to see what God's great plan is for you


With all of that being said,
I don't know where I'm going or what's going to happen
All I can safely say to you is this
God's in control, he's holding my hand, and I know what I see and feel
I'm humbled, honest, and willing to see things being done on God's time

Converstations for another time

How can I say it to you
I'm scared and afraid
I've been finding a way to runaway from you
To revert back to the ways of education, faith, and sport
To avoid the idea of our paths never crossing
To never have to face you again
To admit to you this

You drive me crazy
Sometimes when I think I've got it all figured out
I've tried to figure you out
I've tried to crack the code
I tried to turn you into a piece of my work
Because I didn't know anything else
Yet, deep down with you
I failed to see the truth
Since I apparently think too much

Maybe it took me get hit by a ton of bricks
Or attempting to seeing the darkness turn to light
But I finally see through the broken pieces
As they come together to
To make a beautiful piece of God's art
To see the little things can matter
To understand how simple kindness
Is powerful and meaningful

For so long I let the world
Try to control the way
I should be swayed
Instead of listening to my heart
And hearing what God was telling me
A part of me did it because of my pride
A part of me did it because I felt
I needed to protect things
Yet who was I kidding

So here's what I realized and know
You can drive me crazy
And I believe I'm starting to know your story
I can't wait to hear more
I know you've been placed in my life for a reason
And I wouldn't have it any other way
It took me a while to see
There's so much more than what meets the eye
I'm enjoying every moment of it
And I'm thankful and feel so blessed
For all your understanding and patience
Slowly, I'm learning to understand another
Something I never believed could be possible to do
After what I've had to overcome

Hopefully you can understand
This is all new to me
I've never truthfully felt like this before
Nor had the capability of feeling this open and free
I don't feel that I have to be in the spotlight
Nor to I have to expose everything to the world
I'm just enjoying flying by the seat of my pants
Have the chance to be free, open, and me
Enjoying our random encounters
The world being clueless
Just God guiding us

I know I've made mistakes
I know I'm not perfect
But I am a daughter of Christ
Maybe you can see the light too
And the changes that occur when
You're willing to break the chains
Not even worrying about labels
I've even throw out my list of perfection

I'm not for sure what's going to happen
But maybe you wouldn't mind
Walking into the light with me
Just shooting the breeze
Seeing how we're characters in each other's stories
We'll continue to appreciate each other
Continue knowing each other's stories
And seeing where we're meant to be
Unafraid, unashamed, seeing that we're wonderfully made
No worries about the past
Only seeing what miracles that God has planned

So what do you say
We've got some conversations for another time?