Sometimes I think, even when you have strong faith, even in the matters of the heart, our human senses tend to take control of us. In my heart, I know that Papa God's always in charge of everything that occurs in our lives but, at the same time I think that we have a hard time believing that with our own might. We can reflect on what we've been told, what we've studied, and what we've learned at times, the heart and mind can try to dominate. You can find yourself surrendering yourself, 100% to Papa God , letting him guide you and be your driving force to live. However, there are times, when we become so confused and overwhelemed, we're pulled and feel like we're done!
I began thinking, in life we live by so many rules and are instructed on how to live, it bcomes extremely distilled in us. Then we learn that there are so many other things that can happen to us that, learning disabilties or other set backs that can cause us to be scared and hold back. These setbacks, allow our human senses to kick in. Even if we believe in so many things and we can see what people have been telling us what they see in us, like having children and future husbands but, we ourselves, have a hard time understanding it due to our inabilities or our pride. This has made me wonder. Can it be the outside factors that really cause us to make irrational decisions?
Here I am wondering, can it be family, my heritage, my pride, my point that I need to prove to people I can be a fighter and have no need for a male (at this point in time) to help me take care of things and the fact that I can show the world I'm capable of doing things, and well my lack of experience and knowledge of things. All of my life a lot of people said I wasn't grown up enough to able to handle things or understand things.
My worst fears seems to be coming through the cracks right now. Here I could have the possibilities of experiencing something great amazing with a really good hearted person but, yet because of my pride and passion for my occupation, education, and sport, I can't seem to see the truth. I'm taking difference approaches. Not doing the normal things. I'm reassuring myself that what I'm doing is correct. Not allowing myself to know wat could happen. I can't even remember when I debated with God or find myself debating with my other moms or Christian sibilings. Yet that's what I've been doing about this topic for the past month.
Here I've found myself alive, full of smiles, happy (well more happier than normal), and feeling at peace. I just don't know how or why but, it's not what I expected, especially where it happened. I come of folks, you never expect to find yourself tripping over things and the crazy, unexpected occuring at work. None of this makes sense to me. I mean there's a part of me that is fully submitting myself to the Lord and his plan but, then theres that other part, that because of certain humanly factors, I am scared.
All I can say is the heart knows what she wants and is on fire. My soul is alive and awaken, ready to embrace the new beginnings and not questioning God, just telling him "Hey Papa show me what you want from me!" For once it seems that nothing is broken but, things are coming together, in a way that I can't explain. Like I've stated, I never planned to be workign where I am now nor, be in this state. I just wish I could overcome all of my human sense so that I wasn't afraid to say, "yes, I'm really ready to see what it might be like to know him and to see what you're plans are Papa. I'm not going to worry about policies and rules." However, here I am, so in love with my job, despite things, that I'd be willing to sacrifice matters of the heart but, I can see that I know I'm destined for being someone's mother and being someone's wife. I'm just so stuck on my ways and walking the right path, I need help, and I'm drowning in the land of human sense.
