So Surreal!

I had an AMAZING dream last night. So amazing, I didn't want to wake up. I can't tell you in the past 25 years when I had a dream it was so real. I mean I've had a bucket list of dreams I have wanted to achieve but, nothing like this before. Crazy part is a part of me hasn't had this feeling since I was aboard almost 8 months ago. (Really I was in Sydney.. the historic and beautiful Sydney, New South Wales, Australia!) 

I can tell you I would never change a moment of those 2 months there. Each day, it felt like I was waking up in a dream or a fairy tale. After walking out of the room, I'd go to the balcony and see Moore Park and the golfers having tee time. Still, being home 6 months, I can close my eyes, imagine myself walking the subway of central station, exploring the mall in Bondi Junction, or walking along the Sydney Harbour or taking a ride on the ferry from the Harbour to Manly Beach or Darling Harbour. 

So here we are almost 6 months since I have been back to Texas, and my heart feels completely torn. A part of me is completely lost and I am only walking on faith and the grace of God.  No matter how supportive my family and close friends have been, it has been a wreck of things. 

My daddy has always told me the more and more you lie about something, they just keep on building and they are doing to eventually erupt.  Here lately, I feel I could be wearing a mask and lying from the truth. The truth of how hard it's been for me to be back and the truth why I fear seeing this coming weekend. 

Almost a year ago, I wanted clarity, understanding in a friendship, and figure out why I am not getting the blame for why our paths never crossed again. For 2 months, I really felt like I knew my friend and appreciated every moment spent. A part of me wondered if this person would be that friend who surprises you at the airport but, I was wrong. Now, all I want to do is scream and try to explain I'm going one direction and that person's going another. 

Let's jump now to present day. It's hard to believe I've made it one year and not allowed my heart to be fooled and fall in a deep crush for any male. Maybe I learnt my lesson the hard way at this time last year. Who knows. 

Now this dream has me feeling things I have never felt before, allowing my heart, soul, and mind to feel  something that was so real. It's funny how you read about people getting angry at each other, end up connecting, falling for each other, and then one has to move away. (sigh).... It was in it's own way perfect and just like perfect... 

The dream seemed to be so perfect, just like in some odd way, my time in Sydney, the first time and now the second time. I can only wish I can go back to find my heart.  Life just seemed so surreal and on the right track. Spiritually, educationally, emotionally, physically, and athletically. Everything seemed so harmless. 

God.. Hello... Any response... All I can say is God has a plan and I guess eventually he has us wake up for a reason! LOL S

What's Next for J Ko in 2014

I know it's been way to long since I have lost written.

I first must say Happy New Year!!! I hope this year y'all will be an amazing, full of good fortunes and good health, and so much more!  More importantly shoot for the stars!!

Tonight I was asked "What's next in the world of J Ko"

For one moment I actually found myself wondering the same thing. I close my eyes and think this time in August I will have my Master's in hand, have been back in the country for a year, and almost ready to hopefully begin my PhD program. Yet, the question can be, what does my heart want and what are my dreams.

I will not completely say what I did this past week- NO I am not ashamed of what I did however; I just don't feel it's all too important I go into detail. I did go after a dream. For over 20 years, I have dreamed of being a part of something and  a short few years after that, putting my talent. Only it seemed time was never right and I didn't believe in myself enough or something like that.

I don't know going into my last academic semester (followed by a short internship), where this might lead me but, all I know I am at God's hands and he knows exactly what I need and where I need to be. Still, a girl has to follow her heart and see what happens, regardless of what people say. Mostly, we only have today, we shouldn't live with any regrets.

Maybe during this time, I'll finish my research and it'll get published, I'll get my book finished, write a few more songs, or even do something new. Who knows what this year will bring.  All I know is I am a dream and I do have a lot of things I want to do but,I do want to find the other half of my heart.

A year from now, I would love nothing more to be back in the place where I found myself, working in the field of sports ministry, and training in the sport that saved me. I know I've been told by someone dear to my heart, told me for every year of being in a sport, our body ages 5 year. A part of me feels that could be true, especially with my knee, ankle, and back but, I love what I am doing.

In the back of my mind, since my parents never really got a honeymoon, celebrated any major anniversary, and my daddy never gets to travel with my mom and I or even me on any of my big adventures as I compete.  A part of me would love to be able to get back on the international stage one more time and represent a country with pride, dignity, grace, and glorifying God. More importantly, I would love to go back to the first time I got to really take the big leap, go back to the place where I didn't know my own strengths and faith, and have my parents be there to cheer me on.

The last half of 2013, I saw change and found myself. My relationship with God grew stronger, my passion for life, education, service, and my sport grew, and my relationship with some amazing people, especially coaches, became clear and more meaningful. I also developed a hole in my heart because I have this desire to go back to the place where my heart is.

People my never understand who I have become or what story, stories I have to tell but, one day y'all will.  I can only hope you can be encouraged to get over your fears and try something new! Go after your dreams!!

So here's to hanging on and seeing where this year leads us!!

Cheers and blessings mates!!