Can't wait to meet him

I'm only human. I have feelings and emotions That can become overwhelming A heart that's been Turned cold and broken Yet slowly healing And full of love. I'm tired of being part Of the jars of hearts collected By those who have stabbed it I just can't take it anymore. I want fireworks exploding Letting the joys of life Ignite the night sky Sharing the moment with you. I'm a woman of faith Opening her heart To all of God's plan He has set for. Secretly, I know I could wait 1000 years for you To see my character and know Know God has called us to be together. Taking 2 broken souls And create the perfect circle. I know you're the one who makes me a better person By inspiring me daily Because of your strength and love for God With you I can be me Like a giddy child I know magic is always there all the wait was worth it And I'm blessed he's Called us to live out our lives For him Nonetheless I know we're 2 people Who are there Full of love At our best and our worst. Ultimately, Through faith, hope and love Everything makes sense Even when the whole world Doesn't understand. we'll feel the fire Of a beautiful friendship And know We are each others best friend. Realizing God planned this. Till then I'll pray for you And tell God Some things in life are worth waiting for Or should I say melt for. Wherever you are Who ever you are I'll wait for you Knowing my ghost are gone And my heart is ready to Be shared. Even though I'm only human With you I could never crash I end by saying I can't wait to meet you one day.

Piled behind it all

Written 16 September 2014

There she sat.
Seeing her reflection in the rear view mirror.
Seeing a girl who has spent the past 8 years
Growing in her faith
Pulled into stacks of books
staring into a computer screen
Spending countless hours researching
Training until her body ached
Traveling the globe a time or two
Experiencing things she'll cherish forever
And learning from the not so great experiences.
Yet at the end of the day
There was a hole in her heart
And a pit in her stomach.
She ponder what was missing from the equation.
Was this all she was meant to know?
She was a big dreamer
From a small Texas town
Who wanted nothing more to succeed
And to have all of her wishes come true.
Silence emerged in the car.
She felt there was a barricade around her heart.
Deep down she was afraid to admit
She was just like any other female.
She longed for God to develop her faith and heart
Becoming fully prepared to accept
All he would give her.
She always prayed God would answer 1 prayer
Nightly she prayed for the one
The one he created just for her
The one who she could fulfill the
Call to the vocation of marriage and family
Constantly serving him and his people
Raising their children to be ambitious servants
Who would learn the beauty of all His gifts
The price His Son paid for us
The value of faith,  hope,  love and virtues
The meaning of serving & loving Him
Til it hurts.
The one whom could see the world
Take crazy adventures
And create priceless memories.
The one whom he choose
To bring out the best in her
And help her become a better
Bride of Christ.
He would be the one
To push her,  challenge her,
Support and encourage her
And the one she could
Return all the endless love her gives her.
She sighed. 
She's made lists of perfection.
Tried to find fault in herself
And her inexperienced self
As reasoning to push people away. 
She was one hot mess.
Who would ever believe her
About her wildest desire .
She was always in a hurry
Soaking up knowledge
Serving others
Falling more in love with
Her heavenly bridegroom daily.
Maybe she was attending her own masquerade.
Was she hopeless?
Could anyone her own ambitions
Keep her from seeing the possibilities
God places in front of her? 
She screams silently. 
She catches her breath
Only to see the sun setting
And her reflection fading
In the darkness.
Expecting God would give her
A sign with bright, flashing lights.
She knows the truth
Of her heart's desires.
Yes she loved her work
Her sport
The life God had given her.
Still,  her heart yearned
To be an educated
Bride of Christ, Christian athlete
Teacher, friend, servant
Wife, Mother, Daughter.
One day could this all be possible? 
Tears rolled down her face
As she crossed the state line.
Thinking how she's piled behind it all.

So Surreal!

I had an AMAZING dream last night. So amazing, I didn't want to wake up. I can't tell you in the past 25 years when I had a dream it was so real. I mean I've had a bucket list of dreams I have wanted to achieve but, nothing like this before. Crazy part is a part of me hasn't had this feeling since I was aboard almost 8 months ago. (Really I was in Sydney.. the historic and beautiful Sydney, New South Wales, Australia!) 

I can tell you I would never change a moment of those 2 months there. Each day, it felt like I was waking up in a dream or a fairy tale. After walking out of the room, I'd go to the balcony and see Moore Park and the golfers having tee time. Still, being home 6 months, I can close my eyes, imagine myself walking the subway of central station, exploring the mall in Bondi Junction, or walking along the Sydney Harbour or taking a ride on the ferry from the Harbour to Manly Beach or Darling Harbour. 

So here we are almost 6 months since I have been back to Texas, and my heart feels completely torn. A part of me is completely lost and I am only walking on faith and the grace of God.  No matter how supportive my family and close friends have been, it has been a wreck of things. 

My daddy has always told me the more and more you lie about something, they just keep on building and they are doing to eventually erupt.  Here lately, I feel I could be wearing a mask and lying from the truth. The truth of how hard it's been for me to be back and the truth why I fear seeing this coming weekend. 

Almost a year ago, I wanted clarity, understanding in a friendship, and figure out why I am not getting the blame for why our paths never crossed again. For 2 months, I really felt like I knew my friend and appreciated every moment spent. A part of me wondered if this person would be that friend who surprises you at the airport but, I was wrong. Now, all I want to do is scream and try to explain I'm going one direction and that person's going another. 

Let's jump now to present day. It's hard to believe I've made it one year and not allowed my heart to be fooled and fall in a deep crush for any male. Maybe I learnt my lesson the hard way at this time last year. Who knows. 

Now this dream has me feeling things I have never felt before, allowing my heart, soul, and mind to feel  something that was so real. It's funny how you read about people getting angry at each other, end up connecting, falling for each other, and then one has to move away. (sigh).... It was in it's own way perfect and just like perfect... 

The dream seemed to be so perfect, just like in some odd way, my time in Sydney, the first time and now the second time. I can only wish I can go back to find my heart.  Life just seemed so surreal and on the right track. Spiritually, educationally, emotionally, physically, and athletically. Everything seemed so harmless. 

God.. Hello... Any response... All I can say is God has a plan and I guess eventually he has us wake up for a reason! LOL S

What's Next for J Ko in 2014

I know it's been way to long since I have lost written.

I first must say Happy New Year!!! I hope this year y'all will be an amazing, full of good fortunes and good health, and so much more!  More importantly shoot for the stars!!

Tonight I was asked "What's next in the world of J Ko"

For one moment I actually found myself wondering the same thing. I close my eyes and think this time in August I will have my Master's in hand, have been back in the country for a year, and almost ready to hopefully begin my PhD program. Yet, the question can be, what does my heart want and what are my dreams.

I will not completely say what I did this past week- NO I am not ashamed of what I did however; I just don't feel it's all too important I go into detail. I did go after a dream. For over 20 years, I have dreamed of being a part of something and  a short few years after that, putting my talent. Only it seemed time was never right and I didn't believe in myself enough or something like that.

I don't know going into my last academic semester (followed by a short internship), where this might lead me but, all I know I am at God's hands and he knows exactly what I need and where I need to be. Still, a girl has to follow her heart and see what happens, regardless of what people say. Mostly, we only have today, we shouldn't live with any regrets.

Maybe during this time, I'll finish my research and it'll get published, I'll get my book finished, write a few more songs, or even do something new. Who knows what this year will bring.  All I know is I am a dream and I do have a lot of things I want to do but,I do want to find the other half of my heart.

A year from now, I would love nothing more to be back in the place where I found myself, working in the field of sports ministry, and training in the sport that saved me. I know I've been told by someone dear to my heart, told me for every year of being in a sport, our body ages 5 year. A part of me feels that could be true, especially with my knee, ankle, and back but, I love what I am doing.

In the back of my mind, since my parents never really got a honeymoon, celebrated any major anniversary, and my daddy never gets to travel with my mom and I or even me on any of my big adventures as I compete.  A part of me would love to be able to get back on the international stage one more time and represent a country with pride, dignity, grace, and glorifying God. More importantly, I would love to go back to the first time I got to really take the big leap, go back to the place where I didn't know my own strengths and faith, and have my parents be there to cheer me on.

The last half of 2013, I saw change and found myself. My relationship with God grew stronger, my passion for life, education, service, and my sport grew, and my relationship with some amazing people, especially coaches, became clear and more meaningful. I also developed a hole in my heart because I have this desire to go back to the place where my heart is.

People my never understand who I have become or what story, stories I have to tell but, one day y'all will.  I can only hope you can be encouraged to get over your fears and try something new! Go after your dreams!!

So here's to hanging on and seeing where this year leads us!!

Cheers and blessings mates!!