Feel It: Nothing Is a Coincidence

Nothing is a coincidence. 

If someone would make an attempt to define the past 6 months of my life, no definition could be found nor, could a portrait be painted. All one could truly begin to say is God knew exactly what he was doing and no explanation is needed. More notably, for what was at hand, was not an accident or a coincidence; for God knew perfectly what was at hand. 

Reflecting back on where I was at this point in my life 6 months ago, I was preparing for the opportunity of a lifetime. I was just days away from going to a country, I had fallen in love with once and now I was going to work at a university I could only dream of studying at. Still, a part of me wanted to have Texas in a rear view mirror.

Yes, even though I may not have wanted to admit it, I was running. My heart shattered in pieces and felt it had no ability to forgive. Maybe a part of me had been holding onto a million different puzzle pieces and the thickness of the walls seamlessly unbreakable. Yet, God intervened somehow.

No one will believe when I say being abroad I was changed, motivated, pushed, and challenged. Many have said it’s an unfortunate shame finding myself and could finally metaphor like the butterfly, as I’ve been called. Granted I’ve been silent at times but, God knew none of my experiences Down Under or the people’s paths I crossed was an accident. Of course there was more.

Even as I hit my 4 month maker of my return, I know I’m not the young woman I was, who cried like an infant being deprived of her Dr Pepper bottle , when I was Australian Customs and almost the entire 14 hour flight from Sydney to San Francisco, silent tears trickle down my cheeks. Nor do I see myself as the frantic graduate student who just wanted this last year to fly by. More importantly, do I no longer feel hungry, lost, and confused.

Hunger. Yes, hungry for attention, acceptance, understanding, to be desired, and to have all things perfect such as a 25 year old should have. Seeing family, friends, and my world being consumed in relationships, marriage, and children; my heart longed for prince charming, Mr. Right, and no long to be known as “and then there was one.” How I let all things intangible consume my heart and mind. 

I became focused on trying to please the world, chase other’s hopes and dreams, and forgetting about my relationship with God and Christ; seeing my own voice being lost in the crowd. I cared more about fixing an already broken past and being blinded by my list of perfection, instead of my most significant relationship and being seduced by perfection. In this seduction, I became lifeless and a puppeteer’s mignonette. I was fading into a sea of misery and finding it impossible to be jubilant in my new found glory. 

Finally when God presented me with a light, a new frosting recipe, and a few other curve balls, some rubbish was disposed of and my world became elated and my world became elated. The miraculous occurred and this feeling of extraordinary began to immerse out of nowhere, just as a team throwing a Hail Mary pass or a World Series kind of feeling. Whatever it was, I know I finally submitted myself to my bridegroom in Heaven.

My heart and eyes reveled to me a revelation. My Father is the King of Kings, I am his princess and I know when the time is right, he’ll send the right prince for me, even if his attire is knight’s armor or not silk or majestic dress, when he sees the time is perfect. You cannot force anything; it always happens on the time keeper’s watch and hour. His revelation unveiled my heart’s truest desires and the person I really am’ not the “perfect” or undesirable person the High Courts try to dictate to the commons. God has shown me the unique and beautiful person He’s created me in his image to be.

With all that being spoken, I hadn't forgotten about how drive and motivated I am. I go after what I want and get it, if it’s obtainable. When it comes to competing, it isn't about always winning; it’s about doing my best and being my best. 

Somehow, one of my heart’s simplest and most sentimental desires and dreams, is my prayer of the man God’s preparing for me. He’ll be loving, kind, caring, driving, motivated, understanding, humble, and honest. He’ll write and speak with eloquence yet, it’ll be in such a way; his words are heartfelt and meaningful, poetic, and moving. Maybe his gentleness and genuine being will be so pure and true, he’ll be able to touch my heart and his words will make me want to cry tears of happiness!

To be able to get lost in the moment, one that’s photographic with two getting lost in each other’s presence, smile, eyes, and age of innocence.  While the sands of time go by, the silent film is being filmed in slow motion. We’ll both be imperfect but, perfect for each other. Only the Heavens know I’m living in an illusion.

After all these years, I have seen my family is vital to me and my scars are fading into stars. Maybe it’s true, time can be the only healer of the heart. Magical events can occur to all who are patient. Regardless of where I am, I am different and unique. I am free and feel live again. God’s my king, I’m his princess, and one day timing will all be as one, and everything will happen when the time keeper’s watch elapses.  Because nothing is ever a coincidence.  

Fairytale: The princess went to the "ball"

There once was a princess living in a world of modernity. On a very warm autumn day she had been invited to attend the ball. For years she longed to be a part of the crowd but, a part of her only wanted to blend in. Still days and weeks before her invitation,  she would tell folks it would be a cold one before she did.

The day of the ball came and her emotions were mixed. She knew her Father had something planned yet she wasn't for sure.
Still she got dressed in the appropriate colors,  got all dolled up and felt so natural.

Upon her arrival,  people were very surprised she was there.  However she was able to blend in and enjoy the festivities. Overall,  embracing the moments being presented.

At the end of the ball,  she found herself being dragged down to the greet the Knights by one of youngest royals in the crowd. This took her by surprise.
Leaving her without words and following the Knight in training.

The next moments seemed still like the sands in an hour glass. A silent film was being displayed. Only God's work at hand.

When time had elasped and the film had ended,  the princess saw the little future knight run off , and she captured the moment. She left the grounds of the ball , remembering the day,  thanking her father and smiling. Yet heart of hearts she could only hold the
truths.

She understood in life, it is all about timing. Not her time. Her father's time.

She experienced not romanticism of a fairy tale but the beautiful and blessing of it. One day,  when it's time,  a knight will become her prince,  who like her,  is imperfect and driven. Yet,  from the moment at the ball she was able to grow up and see the blessings of knowing who you are and living for you.

The Eyes of a Child

Since last night, I have had my oldest Godson Aeden with me, alongside with his little sister Katheryn, who is also my little God Sister/God Niece.  I’ve kind of known for several weeks I would have had this opportunity to spend this weekend and have “Auntie Jenn” time with them.   All I can say the past 24 hours have been an interesting adventure but, I am very blessed and thankful all at the same time. More importantly, I sometimes wish I could see things through the eyes of a child.

The interesting part of my adventure began with my 6 year old God son asked me, “Aunt Jenn are you married? Do you have any kids? Will you one day get married? Who will be my uncle?”  After considering his questions and trying not to laugh, I began playing his little game and letting Aeden make some “big boy” decisions.  I just couldn’t believe he asked these types of questions.

So I asked him about the type of man he wanted me to be with; just for kicks because for me, I gave up on perfection a long time ago.  Honestly, with the way my life is going, poor Aeden’s thoughts and wishes might be a dream. So, I guess you’re pretty curious what the little man said.

He said this:
Light eyes like mine, light hair like mine, drive blue or grey truck, kind and smart, funny, tall, big and strong so he can tackle people and lift him up on the his shoulders to he can make baskets in the hoop, he needs to treat me right and be able to protect me, he needs to have lots of kids in his family just like Aeden’s family, he needs to like animals, he should play football, have knowledge of business and sports, and  he’ll go to the school where you go.  More importantly I bet I’ll see him today. 

As I tried to not laugh about I luckily was able to change the subjects.  He asked me why I left the country.  I told him I went to study in Australia for school.  He said he was ok with seeing me on the computer and talking on the phone a few times. Still, if I went back he’d be ok, he guessed.

I told him, being 25 I had the opportunity to travel, living in another country for work, and it would be hard if I was married.  Also, I don’t know of man out there would understand my heart’s desires of going back to Australia. Yet, it was like but, still.

Having the opportunity to sit in the stands, seeing my university play their last game of the season, in the same stadium where in 2005 I had my last football game as a senior in HS. How I miss Stockdale sometimes.  Yet, it amazed me how Aeden was so excited be there.  For the most part, he was excited to see the offense play but, more so to see the defense play. 

In the 2^nd half of the game,  I continued to share in the working of the game, and seeing the excitement in his eyes! Even more his excitement occurred when a defender caught an interception.  As the minutes ticked away, all he could say, “Jenn, I want to meet number…” and he told me the number.  I couldn’t believe who he wanted to me.  He was like please!!! 

So, at the end of the game, with the help of a few people I knew and God’s grace, Aeden was able to meet his “hero” of the game.  The funny part was he had me running almost 50 yards alongside the track to meet him.  I can hear him now, “Jenn.. Jennifer HURRY up, he’s going away..”

Well through God giving me courage, I called out to the player’s name. With a smile on his face, he was kind enough to stop and it played out with much more than I could have ever expected or imagine.  Sad part, I had my phone in hand and I didn’t even take a picture.  All I could think about was letting the player get to his family. Who was Aeden and I?

On the way to my Jeep and on the way up to Canyon Lake to meet up with my parents, for majority of the way all Aeden kept on talking about was how he just met his hero, except he was a little sad he didn’t get a picture but, he hoped one day he’d see him again.  I tell him just pray to God and see what God has planned.  Midway through our ride, he says, how this guy is perfect and would be the kind, sweet, and smart protector I need in my life.

 As we’re jamming out to “Brave” and I’m singing away to him, he pops out and says, “You know he’s the one God has for you. He's going to protect you and beat up the bad guys and he'll teach me more about football!”  I started busting out laughing.  I tell him he’s crazy and he’s very funny.  He says I’m the crazy and funny one and need to see the truth.  I ask him what brought all of this on and his response is, “You’ll never know because I’ll either never tell you or I’ll tell you ONE day.”

We get back and progress into dinner tonight and Aeden decides to tell the story of his hero to the story to his sister and my parents. He’s at the table on the patio smiling away. You can see the light and innocent in his eyes. He just went on and on about his hero and wished he could have taken a picture but, since he didn’t maybe God would let him meet him again.

All I could do is just sit back and let him tell his story.  In the back of my mind I just wanted to tell Aeden, “Aeden, Aunt Jenn just wants to finish her degree in August, save up money, move to Sydney, Australia for work and baton twirling for the next 5 years, be able to travel, earn my PhD, and just see where God’s taking me. Yet, I know how much you’d like for me to get married, you to have an “uncle”  to teach you about football and other sports, and have other kids to play with one day.”

Nevertheless, while I reflect back on the adventures of today, I cannot be upset for the young boy. He was excited about going to his first football game with his Aunt Jenn. He had no problem showing off his “future d-line” shirt I created for him. Mostly, he says he’s just enjoyed being with me.  Finally, after 6 years of his life, to have this moment, I couldn’t traded for the world. Who knows, maybe God’s preparing me.

What people don’t know is I didn’t want to come home this weekend. I only pushed to come home when I knew my dad had today off because, he rarely gets it as a self-employed pharmacist, and I know one day, I may not have this time to spend with the kids. More importantly, I knew my parents for some odd reason wanted to go to the game, since we only live like 20 miles from Seguin.  I have no regrets. (Little did I know I’m helping Aeden earn a patch for Scouts)

God I don’t know why Aeden has said what he’s said. Completely a CURVEBALL to me y’all!  All I can do is just smile.  Still, I can only look at times through the eyes of a child!  

honesty letter

Wrote this during adoration on Friday. I thought about how Father Francis was talking about restoring relationships

Mate,
You  asked me to be honest about the football team and as much as I wanted to let it all out I had to resist.  I believe in certain situations something like this is better left unspoken.  Every one doesn't always need to hear it. I'm sure by now, you figured out what I was doing.  If it was just you and I, I could have been opened and told you what I am about to say. I just wish I could say it while looking into your stained glass eyes.

Thanks in advance for being so understanding.

When I first got here, I dreamed of nothing but football twirling, football games, and the little fantasy I would catch some dashing player's eyes and it'd be like in the movies or other stories I've been told by my twirling friends but, God saw other plans. Getting to compete at an international invitational competition in Spring 2012 and being named Sports Editor allowed me to see where 2 of my greatest passions were; performing and sports writing.  After finding out the decision we all made about competition only for the uni for my remaining time, I had to learn not to live in shame and disappoint people.

For a year I avoided games because of work, using the internet or radio to listen.  It even helped when you told me you didn't care if I was there or not.  As much as I wanted to be there to show my support for you mate and the team you gave me an easy way out of avoiding questions about my absence on the field.  Even though my heart was broken.

Through training for competition season, I thought how awesome it would be to perform at volleyball or basketball games but, God continue to allow me to see I could respect the programs playing by not performing.  While in Australia, those 2 months training and competing gave me a new perspective on life. Pick on my sport all ya want but, by being in the gym more, I concentrate on getting healthier, letting my body get stronger, and my technique improve to ready for 2017 international team trials in 2016. Nevertheless, I can just be me and hopefully you'll support me as I have always been supporting you.

I meant what I said the other night.  I love you guys and respect you.  My heart bleeds for the gold and blue. Every time I put on the colors, I know I am representing y'all. For once though, the spotlight is off of me.

MAYBE this all makes sense to you and you understand now. The last 2 seasons have been interesting!

I just have a few questions, since you asked me if I had any:

1. Why all of a sudden do you care if I'm not there?
2. Do you think it would make a difference if I was physically there?
3. Do you really want me there?
4. How do you even notice out of the sea of faces if I'm really there?
Cheers!

Me

Half My Heart in Down Under- A J Ko Song

Writer's note:  So this actually was written on a little white paper sack I pulled out of my seat pocket on my one of my flights when I couldn't sleep.  I believe I was listening to Holly Long's Can't Forget You, from Wicked- For Good, and watching the in flight movie, "Safe Haven" as I gathered my thoughts to write it.  Strange how it all came together.  I guess you can say I dedicate part of it or more so owe my inspiration to my Aussie friends and my life I had in Australia! Cheers mates!

Half My Heart in Down Under

By J. Ko

Written 28 July 2013

She gazes out the window

Looking at Botany Bay for one last time

She couldn’t believe her time

To return half way around the world

Had already come

It seemed just like yesterday

Some of her dreams were coming true

Right in front of her eyes

As she saw a glimpse of the city

And the pilot said “Lift off”

(Chorus)

Tears rolled down her face

And she prayed

“God I feel like I’ve been livin’

In a complete surreal state of being

Yet all I can think of is how I’m not

Good with good-byes

All I wanted to really say before I got on the lift

“I’ll never forget you
You’ll always be on my heart
I too really hope we meet again

But I froze, left a note

Not able to explain the past two months

Got on the lift

Realizing I was leaving

Half my heart Down Under

(Yeah half my heart)

Verse 2
When it all began

She knew it’d be an adventure

An opportunity

A small town girl

Could put on her bucket list

Never would she had expected

To see what the other half

Of the world had to offer again

Still she could believe the bliss

So sensual and magical

And

(Chorus)

Verse 3

Time was passing by,

Emotions shaken, rattled

Her hearted pulled

She never really planned

To find herself and know who she was

Her passion, faith, desires

All in complete harmony

How could it be?

Oh tell the world how could it be?

Yeah

(Chorus)

Out her bag falls a card and a passport

She reads the card thinking

How she touched lives

More so how they touched hers

Then she finds a slip of paper

Sticking out of her paper

With an address written on it

She smiles and

She closes her eyes

Oh…

(Chorus)

Her minds races

Thinking of a man she met unexpectedly

The laughs, chats, little moments

So rare, natural, real

All unheard of

Never once seeming how time realizing the time

Which passed by

How could she forget a kind and gentle face

And those dark earnest eyes

Finally in the 25 years on this earth

She wore no mask

She was her true self

How could he notice her out of a crowded room

For whatever reason

Ever moment priceless and unforgettable

In the end no barriers

God explain?

(Chorus X 2)

Plane lands

Voice on the PA Says

Welcome to the USA

She would never change a thing yeah…

 

 

Mr. Perfect: A J Ko Song

Mr. Perfect

By J Ko

Written 30 June 2013

Verse:

I’ve always dreamed of the perfect man

About 6 feet tall

Blonde hair, boundless blue eyes

Athletic stature

Any girl’s dream

A little bit of Southern comfort

A heart full of compassion and love

But mainly a Godly man

Who can stand

This crazy dream!

 

Chorus:
But sadly that whole vision

Disappeared some time ago

When I met a man

Should I say a boy

Who met all my criteria

Had my heart

Made me feel on top of the world

Turned out to not be so perfect

Deep down in his heart and soul

He still needed work

For he was too far gone

And it only too me

The first 24 years of my life

To figure it all out

That perfect didn’t exist

Yeah perfect didn’t exist

So I just throw that list away

And forgot about trying to wait for

Mr. Perfect

Verse:

Now that I’m 25

I feel free as a bird

Trying to just live  

Not worry about Mr. Perfect

Thinkin about him

How we’ll have our happily ever after

Rootin’ for each other

Being each other’s best friend

 

Chorus

Verse:

I use to wonder

What it’d be like

To find a future coach or doctor

To sweep me off my feet

Spend our time

Discussing books, life sports, music

And about our devotion to God

As walk along the shores in the sunset

Mostly finding I’m falling’ more in love

With a man

Who love God more than I do

But now it’s a hazy vision

Truth is

 

Chorus

Verse:

Will one day

The man God’s plan

Be better than the one

I use to dream of

We’ll just have to

Wait and see

If throwing a list away

Was the best thing to do

Lord please help me

Chorus

Verse:

So this crazy dreamer

Is going about her ways

Seeing the world

Touching lives

Making a difference

And seeing if

Maybe one day she’ll

Have someone to share it all with .

But for now

This is the way

Oh yeah.. this is the way

It has to be

Chorus x 2

 

 

Dancin' to Matlida's Waltz: A J Ko Song

Dancin' to Matilda’s Waltz

By: J. Ko

Finalized 29 Jun 2013 Began, 10 Jun 2013

 

There she stood, swaying to Matilda’s waltz.

A part of her wondered

what it would be like to sing with the singer that night.

Then she says

“I know god has a my road mapped out for me and

Maybe my voice isn’t meant to

 Be heard this way. Oh no.

It’s not meant to be heard on a public stage.”

 

C

She sighs and prays while swaying to the beat of Matilda’s waltz

 'God just show me your will for me & I’ll go yes papa.

I’ve served you all my life so far
Could you show me where I’m supposed to go
On this Broken road I’ve been travelling on.

I know it’s blessed and full of hope and love

Yet a part of me believes I’ll never have my chance

To be out there on the dance floor

Smilin’ away, Dancin’ away, with no worries
To Matlida’s Waltz

 

As the band played on

She could only dream

1 day her prince would find her

 Ask her to dance

 When their eyes met

He’d know she was the he was meant to be with

The one he was praying for all his life.

They danced as Matilda’s melody played on

Seemin as only them & god existed. What a moment.

Yeah what a moment it’d be

 

C

 

 She just smiled.

Maybe he was just an illusion a dream a bittersweet thought.

God needed to give her clarity.

She wanted to see parts of the world.

Who knows maybe change it

one song or by touching one child’s life at a time.

How could she have it all?

The world still knew little about her.

Papa a little help, please.

 

C

 

As she saw people dancing around her, she gazed in wonderment.

Someday soon she hoped,

She be hearing this waltz play.

While her parents danced in delight,

The room filled with mystic and  passion,

Laughter expressed

 She & God’s charming gettin to explore

A not so broken road.

 Explorin the world and touchin lives.

Erasin the marks of the past.

As she closed her eyes

 

c.

 

So maybe this is all a fairytale but a girl can dream

Praying to God on ride back to the city

I was on my train ride from Kingsgrove to Central station today, coming back from training and I was inspired to write this.  Enjoy

There she sits. Staring out at the tracks waiting for train. All she =

do is pray, pray  to god about how her heart is on fire yet shattering into a 1000 tiny pieces. She knows shes doing his work & feels blessed but her emotions  are in a fury. Sometimes the 1 person she can open up to without remorse seem silenced. She doesnt understand. She isn't afraid. She just needs honesty. She needs consistency. No tricks

 or lies. She knows her own heart, strengths, and passions. God she needed clarity. None of this made sense to her. This wasnt her. What was with her. She could see the lights of the train in the distance. Time to stop worrying. She got on board. Found her seat & turn on her the ipod. Panania bound. Time to put on her game face. She closed her eyes. Shut off her emotions. And no matter how hard she prayed he'd

ever come to his sense. She embraced the 40 min ride. She got of the

train thanked god and was  ready to work. Each day  is a gift.

Thousands of Miles from Home: A J Ko Song

Wrote June 10, 2013

Thousands of miles from home

She stares out the window

Of the train taking her from the country to the city

She constantly wonders

How she could have ended up

At a place she feels at home

Chorus:

She’s praying to God

Thanking him

For the life she’s been giving

Letting her see her dreams come true

Bring her back to a place she could be herself

Not worry about things or

Feel the world judging her

Or the other anxieties of life

Still deep down she’s praying even deeper

For some clarity and not thinking about

Who she left behind

 

It’s been a few days

Since she’s heard from

Still she doesn’t even know

How he feels about her

She’s tired not being able to express herself

Letting him know what’s on her heart

Telling him how he makes her feel

All she wants to tell him

Is she just needs his support, friendship, and understanding

None of this is about something more

But what does it matter

Talking to him is like talking to a wall

But

(Chorus)

She sits back in her sit

Riding along listen to her iPod

Trying to not cry

Watching the fellow passengers

Board the trains, read the paper, or mess with technical gadgets

She hopes none of them notice the tears in her eyes

She tries not to cry or find something to break

She wanted to try not forget about the time out of the city

(Chorus)

The time she spent out in the city

Made her forget about him

Made her forget about the fury of city life

And about the worries that often bother in the office

Sometimes though

She found herself a little homesick

But know her family was a call a way

And she put her faith in God

Yet

(Chorus)

Not matter what she did

She couldn’t seem to get that man

Who had baffled her heart

Off her mind

As her train neared Central Station

If only God could show her his plan

Show her how it didn’t make sense

How it could be great one moment

Then extremely distant the next

All she wanted to do was sleep at night

God please help her she begged

“Central Station” the conductor said

There was nothing else she could do

Still

Chorus

 

 

Looking back on Spring 2013

It may appear that at the end of a semester and my heart has changed!  Granted it was a time for change and growing up still, it was something that I'll never forget.  Much to the world's surprise this was the first semester that I actually stuck to my words and stood by my Lenten promise!  Girls may call me crazy but, actually not having my heart on my sleeve for once and not having my heart completely broken by someone who, needless to say didn't return the same feelings, was a miracle. 

I mean come on girls and some guys, you might agree with me on this theory: Often we find ourselves falling for people we shouldn't, for several reasons we, and discovering in the end, we are rejected or not thought about in the same way.  At times, we fall a part and wonder why we weren't liked in return. Eventually it takes time for a crushed heart to heal and trying to ask God to help us through this moment!

For some crazy reasoning, I thank God this semester I ACTUALLY didn't experience that.  No one had to hear about me ranting and raving about someone not liking me or trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me.  Still, I can relate to those who have wondering why a heart breaks when someone walks out of your life or when a friendship or two falls apart.

The hardest "heartache" if you want to call it, was dealing with losing a friendship.  To be called crazy, complicated, and obsessed were the hardest words I heard from a friend regarding something I had done.  Granted, I would have LOVED to be able to confront the friend that called me those words and explain my side of the story, still God didn't give me that opportunity for some odd reason.  In the end he gave me a gift, in a way.

As humans we are built to love one another, even our own enemies.  Sometimes, being a Christian and full of love can be misinterpreted.  Many people often feel they don't deserve just generally being cared about or someone actually just showing them genuine friendly love and not expecting nothing in return. No matter how hard I tried, it appeared me trying to explain what was going on and how I have been raised, WAS NOT possible. Yet, God has had his hands in this all along.

After learning about patience, let brokenness get taped back together and allowing wounds to heal, my faith in the God grew stronger and things turned out the way he planned them.  At my weakest points, I may have fallen off the edge and hoped I'd find an explanation on my own way, God showed me in time, things can work themselves out, even if that means people have to exit the stage of your performance in life, he has a plan! 

The most interesting part of the semester is I learned about compromise! There are times when I learned I can't always talk about what I want or love in life but, I just have to sit back and listen.  Also I learned about compromising schedules!  I will admit, though I had my hours of sleep cut, I wouldn't change it.  Those 2 months I wouldn't change for the world.

Lastly, this semester I learned to own up who I am.  Yes I'm one complicated, crazy, hot mess!  So what if the world isn't fully ready for me, eventually they will!! I mean funny how one of my friends tells me that my ideal guy is probably in Idaho! 

Still reflecting on the past several months, I'd like to go back and fix a few things but, unfortunately, God has his reasons why I can't!  Nevertheless, those who are in my life and I'm close with, they are all angels and heroes in my life and I'm so blessed!

It'll be hard being away from them for 2 months but, I know God will help me through it!  I can't wait to see the journey ahead of me!!

Till next time...

Cheers!

Learning the beauty of value

So it is said, turning certain ages can appear to be a milestone or something to not be afraid of.  In a week and a day from today, I will be turning 25. A part of me is absolutely scared of reaching the "silver" age or becoming a quarter of a century old. For the past few weeks I've been discussing with my friends about turning 25. 

I know y'all probably thing it's a great thing and I shouldn't be afraid of turning 25. Yet, I can tell y'all there is a HUGE part of me that is shaking in my boots.  I know deep down my life isn't as I expected it or predicted to be 5 years ago or 10 years ago.

I remember in high school, dreaming of being 25 working on my JD, not having debt, and not having people saying "well you've been single this long you might as well become a nun." I thought by now I would have been able to experience relationships and already have 2 degrees under my belt.  BUT God surely has had another plan for me.

I thought I'd be the girl who might be able to have had the ability to exceed the odds. Change the time and not let the world view things from the one sided picture it often can be seen as.  More importantly, making a difference and somewhere along the way maybe allowing God to send that "knight" in shining armor.  Never did I expect to have traveled the world (so to speak) and have had the opportunity to meet the people I have been able to.

Still sitting and conversing yesterday with a friend of mind who works for a type of dating service, like Millionaire Matchmaker, in Dallas for over 3 hours, she said something to me which caused me to pause.  "Jenn in about a month, you're boarding a plane to fly half way around the world wouldn't it be nice to have someone there with your parents to see you off and someone to come home to?" 

For about 2 hours I probably gave her every excuse in the world and in the end I had realized here was someone and a few others who called me "perfect" and "extremely extraordinary," and that maybe I shouldn't stress so much about the worries in life.  Needless to say after catching her up on how I learned falling for someone whom seemed perfect but, in the end we're better off as friends and now actually going almost 5  months in this new year no trying to worry about relationships.

So I'm the oldest of my friends and I use to joke "Never Been Kissed" is so my movie but, you something I learned a lot about myself last night and I think that's the most important in the world.  Maybe I have to learn more about myself- to be more mysterious, to not wear my heart on my sleeve, not be so honest.  The girls jokingly told me, I need to learn not to be so honest & be patient.  I also learned the meaning of value. 

In life we can't devalue a person. We have to be able to find compromise yes but, at the same time, we have to be valued by another person just as we value the same. This is something I'm guilty of not understanding or realizing at lot. I do love people and always want the best for people. 

Still, there comes a time we have to see you can spend weeks talking several hours with another person, enjoying every moment of talking for hours and not even realize it until it's time to call it a night. At the same time, you can allow your mask to slowly come off, begin to just be you, extent your heart, and just be you.  The moment when you realize that the compromise or value isn't shared, it's time to remove yourself from it all and see where God's leading you next. 

I can't believe A week in a day I'll be 25 and 2 months and a day I'll be on a plane heading to study at a university I only dreamed about half way around the world being 15 hours ahead of home. 

Until next blog...........

I'm taking off my superhero cape and mask!

So the past couple weeks have been a mad house around here!  I don't even know where to begin but, it's been one full of adventures and blessings!  However, there's one things that I've realized is it's about time for the mask and cape to come off.

For so long I've been living a life with the idea that I'm suppose to be the girl who is saving the world some how.  Everyone comes to me and asks me to help save them. I don't have a problem with it yet, at times, I don't feel I can fully help them because I'm not equipped with the knowledge and skills to help them properly.

Then let's consider my life.  There are just a few things in my life I'm yet to experience.  Sometimes I don't believe I'm able to help fully because all I know is what I've studied, what I've seen, and what I've read.  Often, that isn't enough.

I'm done lying to the world that I'm this superhuman of a 24, going on 25 that has human desires who wishes she could experience things in life like other girls my age!  I know everyone things I'm a perfect example and someone that's so perfect to look up to at times however; I'm still human at times too!! I'm not perfect!

I use to joke for the longest time, I was going to be the one of my friends who was "25 and Never Been Kissed." Folks, well it's safe to say that's going to be me.  A part of me is just going to have to accept it and it that maybe God's doesn't have a plan for me to have that experience yet.

Yes, I still believe in fairytales!  I do believe in Prince Charming!  I do believe in happily ever after!!

Please DON'T judge me!! Get to know my  heart!! Just know something, please don't lie to me or don't let me be the last to know!!

Week 5 through Holy Saturday of Lent

As these last week of Lent comes to an end and Easter comes upon us, we get to see the amazing wonders of Christ our King rising from the Grave!  I can't believe how these past few weeks have been and what a journey it has been. I am so blessed that I have been able to share so many thoughts with y'all and have been able to see the changes, for the better, and the awesomeness of God as I've been traveling down my crazy broken road of life.

For those of you have heard, my Lenten sacrifice was trying to get a relationship with a male, develop a crush on a male, or fall for another man; just simply focus on my relationship with Christ.  Yes, when I first stated this to my those around me, people laughed at me and said I couldn't do this. My favorite line I received was, "Every season it's like you have a new crush, there's NO way you're going to make it through this!" HOWEVER, God surely has had his hand in this.

It has been hard being patient at times and steering away from my emotional feels.  It has been an emotional battle to follow the path of Christ and to be a Daughter who is opening my heart and trusting him with all my might.  Yes, there has been times when I wanted to just crack and break like an egg but, I knew in my heart God has had a plan for me and nothing is an accident.

So how do you suggest I have been able to stay on my feet through this process?

I have an amazing support system and believe my love for the Lord has shined like no other.  I have learned so much about myself and tried to regain focus.  As much as I've wanted to snap many times, I had to maintain my cool.  Often during the past 5 weeks, I have wanted to give up or bury myself in my work, I have learned to rely on my faith.  More importantly, even as people have walked out of my life, people have walked in, and new doors have opened.

I am not sure if this sounds nuts or not, I am anxious to see if I'll be able to keep promise while I continue my schooling, studies in the word, and my athletic career.  I've already had to decided what is more important to me.  Who knows what will happen next.

I wish all of you a Happy Easter!

Remember he has reason and he's paid it!

Weeks 3-4 of Lent: Do I Know You?

So I know I haven't written in over 2 weeks and a lot has been going on too! This is a time for reflection and change. Lent holds such a deeper meaning to me than so many people would ever imagine.  We are literally at the half way marker and then some!  I never thought I could have made it through my Lenten promise and focus on my goals and praying for change during this time of year. 

I've realized in these past 2 weeks as I consider this last week of Lent the idea I want to convey to the world in this blog is, Jesus and God know who we but, do we know who we are? Constantly we are told to stay convicted in our virtues, morals, and values yet, often in life, we find ourselves wearing masks or fading away in the sand.  Sometimes, we hide our true identity from the world or believe that our true selves should remained locked in a box. Mostly, through this process, we can find ourselves thinking, "Do we really know our friends and do they know us?"

I'm not sure if any of you have had to ask yourself that question or not but, I've found myself recently going through the thought process at time- "Do people really know who I am? I know who I am but, do they know who I?"  or "This may sound silly but, I don't feel I really know my friend."  Granted, there's been a few people that I've wanted to yell, "Sug I feel that I don't know who you are after all this time!!"  Yet because I've been raised a lady and I respect people, I don't like that.  Am I crazy?

In all relationships in life, the trust should be there as well as the truth.  You should always be able to look at someone and be able to know who they are; know who you are.  Maybe I am saying to much here but, I am standing on the ground of conviction.

Now if you feel you need to change for the better, than by all means, alright!  Let's take off that ugly makes, peel off the layers, unlock the box, or open up the book.  However, let there be no lies or deception.  Don't let anyone be fooled or become stone cold.  Let the heart become soft and full of light and love.

Just know it's never to late to make right and to discover who you.  Always know, to thy oneself be true!

So I challenge you readers as we enter in this last week of Lent, are you going to open the box, take off your make, heal the wounds, and fix the brokeness, by being true and know?

Day 20 of Lent: Strangers

Today's blog for Lent came for a unique inspiration.

Last night in Father Francis' homily, he spoke of strangers coming into our life and eventually have some meaning into our life.  Eventually, those who use to be in our life, become strangers.  At first I didn't understand what my brother in Christ was trying to explain but, today as I sat at dinner it started to make sense to me. It's funny how I started to sit and think, where the girls I was sitting with strangers or a part of my life?

For can go through our life meeting people and they become strangers. We can go walking down the sidewalks, into stores, getting gas at the gas station, at theme park, and so many other places and just only slightly meeting a person with a look in the eyes.  Neither party can have the idea of becoming friends of having meaning in either's life.

Also you know someone all your life.  They are not a stranger. You feel like you can tell them your deepest secrets and you can build a bond with someone.  However, as time progresses you discover that a person can slowly slip away and become a stranger thus, the relationship's meaning begins to fade.

As for you and the stranger, when the time is right, have a relationship of some sort starting to develop.  The two of you begin to no longer become strangers and begin to actually mean something to each other.  Eventually God will show you two what his plan for the two of you.

I think it's funny how we walk around this world, knowing each other for most of our lives and it seems like we know each other but, in reality we don't.  We have to open our eyes and see that strangers come into our lives for a reason and sometimes people have to be removed from our lives.

I know none of this may make no sense but, just think of when the burning bush was talking to Moses.  That didn't make sense either. However, just be patient and understand God has your back.

Days 17-19: Fix the brokenness

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I should be writing about for the past several days.  Hence why you haven't heard from me in a few days.  I thought about what Father Francis spoke about yesterday and healing broken relationships and forgiveness is possible.  A part of me thought he was insane, given what I've been through over the past several weeks.  However, I knew nothing was an accident.

It hit me today at work when an unexpected customer walked into the Zone.  Truthfully, I never expected to speak to this customer again nor this customer to ever talk to me.  Yet, for some odd reason, God had other plans at hand.  By the end of working with this customer and speaking the customer, I knew God had something big planned and nothing was an accident. Maybe this was a part of God's plan and healing was possible, therefore it gave me the perfect ground laying for this blog.

I don't know where I am going or what's going to happen but, I do know one thing is for certain, forgiveness is possible and relationships can be healed. This is the time to work on any brokenness that needs to be fixing and rid the anger there is between those who have been hurt.  If we continue going on hurting each other, blaming each other, and so much more things will just continue to be one huge mess.  Why must you hold on to that aggravation for this long?

The world may try to say things.  It may try to put images in our heads or convinces to think others wise.  This is why it is more important to put our faith in the Lord and let him guide us.

Even if relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime, understand that God puts people in our lives to teach us something or help us on our way.

Days 14-16 of Lent: Doors opening and closing

Over the past 3 days my eyes have been open and I have been trying to see the amazing plans God has laid out for me. I guess the inspiration for this blog began with a phone call from my tia on Monday while I was waiting to see the doctor.  She told me, "Little one always remember, when one door closes another one opens."  I told her I wasn't for sure what she meant but, I know God had her tell me that for a reason.

As several doors have been closing, I have been uncertain about why they have been yet,  I have been seeing new doors open and new opportunities coming my way. I may not know what lies behind the doors but, I know with God by my side I cannot worry about what's behind the door and just open it.  With each opportunity, something anew will be starting.  We may not always be able to see however, when the time is right, God will show it to us. The hardest part of letting doors close and new doors open is just the thought of letting go.

Often, we are so impacted by what happens when we open doors we don't know what do when it's time to let those doors close.  A part of you may want to hold on to pieces of the past but, deep down we know, God has sent a person or people into your life to deliver a message or two and you have been given the tools  and instructed needed to progress in life.  Just don't be afraid when the new door opens.  You may never know what God has planned for you.

More importantly, understand this thought.  Nothing in life is an accident.  God has a perfect plan for everything.  Be not afraid and trust in him.  If you're worried about something, give it to God and pray to him about all the things you need to open that new door.  He'll show you everything and provided for you everything you need!

Days 9-13 of Lent: Faith is built on a Rock

I know I haven't blogged in a few days but, I have been able to have a great talk with God to be given the strength and guidance to provide a little overview of what I've been wanting to share with y'all.  Granted I've been a little lost but, between speaking with some amazing individuals and finally learning to trust God, my eyes have been open.  

In life, we're going to face so many struggles and ups and downs.  We cannot let people bring us down and let our spirit be sucked out of us.  No one in this world has the permission to take away something that makes us happy or that can knock us down.  They can only do this if we let them.  

Also through this process I also realized that God has build us on a rock and we can weather any storm.  No storm can knock over any rock because of the firm foundation he has built.  Your faith is so much stronger!! 

Lastly, I have been able to see people's truest colors.  Those who stand by you through your most difficult times are those who are a true friend.  It's interesting to see who remain by your side and who decides to go touting out into the fields. 

At the end of the day, you have to put you faith in God and see where he is leading you and know he is going to show you what is best for you! 

Day 8: Know who you are

As I prepared for the 8th day of Lent's blog, I wasn't for sure what to write about. I kept on thinking how maybe I'm not exactly the best person for providing my own two sense about things however, I realized I cannot give up.  As my tia always tells me "Little one, you can't give up now.  Don't ever give up on something you start, even if you come back to it later."  Thinking about how I almost lost her 7 years ago, I'm searching my heart for the right words and putting my hands in God.

Today I found myself getting back to a new swing of things and spending more time with God.  God's love is so amazing and he's constantly with us all the time.  Sometimes we forget how amazing we are and beautifully unique you are. Regardless of what the world around you might think, feel, or believe, you have to understand God has created you the way he has wanted you to be!

I know I've been walking around like a sad cat unlike the complicated, crazy, hot mess of a Tigger that my mama and adoptive mama have often called me.  A part of me may have wanted to wailer in my own distress but, I guess God didn't want me to hide from a world who called me crazy, psycho and few other names.  There's no one to blame for their misunderstandings and their choosing not to get to see past the surface.  You just have to continue walking tall, with your head held high, and smile on your face because you know who you are.

I say to you, look deep down in your heart.  Know who you are.  Discover the amazing and beautiful person God has created you to be.  Take the time out to tell him thank you for the 1001 blessings that he has presented in your life.  Stop worrying what the world around you believes, thinks, or feels about you.  So what if people don't like you.  The main question is, do you like yourself?

Day 7 of Lent: Forgiveness

I know it's not the end of the day but, while I'm on fire and have God tugging at my heart I wanted to share my word of the day!

As  I was completing my workout today by biking my 2.5 miles, just forgetting about the intensity of weight training and what not, I thought about my morning devotional speaking on the discussion of forgiveness and prayer.  I'll be the first to admit, if anyone saw me up until about 9:30 or so this morning, I looked drained and needed something.  God knows that is true.  I felt emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally drained.  I had been holding in all of the chaos and mess of almost 72 hours.

I remembered what I had read during my devotional.  I remember reading about the power of forgiving others and forgiveness.  It's probably the hardest thing for anyone to do or to understand but, it's possible.  Sometimes we find ourselves so drained with trying to figure things out and trying to just find out a way to sort things out.  Often we're blaming ourselves or others for everything.  However, the best possible thing is to learn to forgive.

Many times we're blinded by our own guilt, worry, or other emotions.  Sometimes we don't realize how much harm this is actually doing to us.  The best thing for us to do is to talk to God about and seek forgiveness.  The moment you do, your heart will be lift and your soul will begin to fill joy again.

Why would you want that grey cloud of unhappiness hanging around your head?

Day 6 of Lent: Run to the Light!

It's day 6 of Lent and I've been considering how I've been traveling on this crazy journey so far an sometimes I feel really lost. I know this was going to be an interesting task to take on but, I have always known God was in control. Despite it all, I have been thinking the perfect reflection for today.

As I was preparing my devotional for tonight's FCA, I did hit a few snags in the road.  I didn't expect the turnovers, interceptions, or curve balls that were given to me.  Yes, I panicked and didn't know what to do.  I was labeled a few terms that I've never been labeled before.  Yet, I knew God would help me to keep my head strong.

God's timing may not always seem the best for us but, we have to understand he does things when he believes we need it.  Sometimes we are complete messes or disasters because of our pasts or what might be in our closets, well, I just want to tell you that it's ok to have pasts and skeletons but, they don't have to haunt you.  You have to be able to allow yourself to understand "yes, I have a past and skeletons but, they don't control me and they don't define me. Eventually this will work out and it's going to be a brand new day."

It might be a long process to see this through but, it is possible to let it all go.  Letting go might be scary but, it's something amazing and beautiful.  God is there with you and will stay with you to see you through.  He'll be your rock, refuge, and salvation.  BUT there's one issue.

If we refuse to deal with the past and let it become an internalization process, it'll be something that will cause anger, blackening, and tell people you don't want to get to me.  This could be an issue and cause more heart and harm than you might think.

Kids, take it from someone who's been there and seen the ugly side of life where it's pretty dark and cold.  It's like you're walking in a sea of the lost searching for something and you just can't find it.  You really say and do things that really cause guilt and dismay.

Maybe that's you.  You're dealing with some of the darkness in your life and you don't know what do but, that's ok.  It's not a crime.  You just have to be willing to submit yourself to the brighter side of life.

It may sound crazy that you can go from dark to light but, it's possible.  People don't give me the benefit of the doubt with what I've seen, done, and experienced in almost 25 years.  I'll admit I'm not proud of things but, through the help and love of so many, I have been able to stop walking down the broken road alone to walk it with some amazing people.  The scariest thing for me now which, I find more scary than anything else is realizing that my past can no longer define me and harm me, it can only help me get to the next step in life.

So here's my tip of the day: STOP RUNNING FROM YOUR PAST!! START RUNNING TO THE LIGHT!!

Days 3-5 of Lent: Trust in the Lord when You're in a Hot Mess

I know it may seem I should blog every day and yes, I should since it's been my challenge and Lent commitment to do so. However, I am a firm believer God wanted me to experience a few things in life to help set me up and prepare my heart to right a simple reflection for days 3-5 of Lent.  Maybe more so, it really hit home in listening to scripture last night and hearing about temptation and trusting in the Lord because he is our refuge and strength. 

Considering this thought, think back to all the times you've attempted to make right, do something with all the best of intentions, or listen to your heart, and what happens they turn out in to a complete disaster or what looked like a pretty painted picture is a smeared, messy canvas of the not so pretty colors.  Granted you might be confused as all get up and unsure of what to do, you probably replay the events in your head.  It may seem like you had all the right moves and motives but, to someone else not so much.  Next thing you know, it seems that you're in a tangled web of things and EVERYTHING has been blown over.  

So what do you do? 

TRUST IN THE LORD! Take that from someone who's having to learn that the hard way!  God will constantly protect you and guide you.  He'll watch over you and never forsake you. 

Another thing, DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!  If something doesn't feel right, talk to God about that feeling.  You  don't want to find yourself being so tempted that you're going to be making a deal with the Devil or let evil win.  

IF this does happen IT'S OK!  

We all make mistakes.  We are human however, you can't allow yourself to be driven up a wall with all the emotional aspects of things. God is always there to talk to.  I mean seriously we all get caught up in hot messes and yes, they may not be pretty but, in life unfortantly, miscommunication  mistrust, and a few other things happen to really make or break relationships. 

The best thing I have learned is this, you really don't want to dig yourself deeper into a whole and end up hurting yourself even more.  Take time out to talk to God and know he'll give you all the best tools to help you through it all. Don't lean on your own understandings of it all.  Mostly never give up on yourself or life. 

Always remember, life is just one hot mess so need to cry over hot coco!