Feel It: Nothing Is a Coincidence

Nothing is a coincidence. 

If someone would make an attempt to define the past 6 months of my life, no definition could be found nor, could a portrait be painted. All one could truly begin to say is God knew exactly what he was doing and no explanation is needed. More notably, for what was at hand, was not an accident or a coincidence; for God knew perfectly what was at hand. 

Reflecting back on where I was at this point in my life 6 months ago, I was preparing for the opportunity of a lifetime. I was just days away from going to a country, I had fallen in love with once and now I was going to work at a university I could only dream of studying at. Still, a part of me wanted to have Texas in a rear view mirror.

Yes, even though I may not have wanted to admit it, I was running. My heart shattered in pieces and felt it had no ability to forgive. Maybe a part of me had been holding onto a million different puzzle pieces and the thickness of the walls seamlessly unbreakable. Yet, God intervened somehow.

No one will believe when I say being abroad I was changed, motivated, pushed, and challenged. Many have said it’s an unfortunate shame finding myself and could finally metaphor like the butterfly, as I’ve been called. Granted I’ve been silent at times but, God knew none of my experiences Down Under or the people’s paths I crossed was an accident. Of course there was more.

Even as I hit my 4 month maker of my return, I know I’m not the young woman I was, who cried like an infant being deprived of her Dr Pepper bottle , when I was Australian Customs and almost the entire 14 hour flight from Sydney to San Francisco, silent tears trickle down my cheeks. Nor do I see myself as the frantic graduate student who just wanted this last year to fly by. More importantly, do I no longer feel hungry, lost, and confused.

Hunger. Yes, hungry for attention, acceptance, understanding, to be desired, and to have all things perfect such as a 25 year old should have. Seeing family, friends, and my world being consumed in relationships, marriage, and children; my heart longed for prince charming, Mr. Right, and no long to be known as “and then there was one.” How I let all things intangible consume my heart and mind. 

I became focused on trying to please the world, chase other’s hopes and dreams, and forgetting about my relationship with God and Christ; seeing my own voice being lost in the crowd. I cared more about fixing an already broken past and being blinded by my list of perfection, instead of my most significant relationship and being seduced by perfection. In this seduction, I became lifeless and a puppeteer’s mignonette. I was fading into a sea of misery and finding it impossible to be jubilant in my new found glory. 

Finally when God presented me with a light, a new frosting recipe, and a few other curve balls, some rubbish was disposed of and my world became elated and my world became elated. The miraculous occurred and this feeling of extraordinary began to immerse out of nowhere, just as a team throwing a Hail Mary pass or a World Series kind of feeling. Whatever it was, I know I finally submitted myself to my bridegroom in Heaven.

My heart and eyes reveled to me a revelation. My Father is the King of Kings, I am his princess and I know when the time is right, he’ll send the right prince for me, even if his attire is knight’s armor or not silk or majestic dress, when he sees the time is perfect. You cannot force anything; it always happens on the time keeper’s watch and hour. His revelation unveiled my heart’s truest desires and the person I really am’ not the “perfect” or undesirable person the High Courts try to dictate to the commons. God has shown me the unique and beautiful person He’s created me in his image to be.

With all that being spoken, I hadn't forgotten about how drive and motivated I am. I go after what I want and get it, if it’s obtainable. When it comes to competing, it isn't about always winning; it’s about doing my best and being my best. 

Somehow, one of my heart’s simplest and most sentimental desires and dreams, is my prayer of the man God’s preparing for me. He’ll be loving, kind, caring, driving, motivated, understanding, humble, and honest. He’ll write and speak with eloquence yet, it’ll be in such a way; his words are heartfelt and meaningful, poetic, and moving. Maybe his gentleness and genuine being will be so pure and true, he’ll be able to touch my heart and his words will make me want to cry tears of happiness!

To be able to get lost in the moment, one that’s photographic with two getting lost in each other’s presence, smile, eyes, and age of innocence.  While the sands of time go by, the silent film is being filmed in slow motion. We’ll both be imperfect but, perfect for each other. Only the Heavens know I’m living in an illusion.

After all these years, I have seen my family is vital to me and my scars are fading into stars. Maybe it’s true, time can be the only healer of the heart. Magical events can occur to all who are patient. Regardless of where I am, I am different and unique. I am free and feel live again. God’s my king, I’m his princess, and one day timing will all be as one, and everything will happen when the time keeper’s watch elapses.  Because nothing is ever a coincidence.  

Fairytale: The princess went to the "ball"

There once was a princess living in a world of modernity. On a very warm autumn day she had been invited to attend the ball. For years she longed to be a part of the crowd but, a part of her only wanted to blend in. Still days and weeks before her invitation,  she would tell folks it would be a cold one before she did.

The day of the ball came and her emotions were mixed. She knew her Father had something planned yet she wasn't for sure.
Still she got dressed in the appropriate colors,  got all dolled up and felt so natural.

Upon her arrival,  people were very surprised she was there.  However she was able to blend in and enjoy the festivities. Overall,  embracing the moments being presented.

At the end of the ball,  she found herself being dragged down to the greet the Knights by one of youngest royals in the crowd. This took her by surprise.
Leaving her without words and following the Knight in training.

The next moments seemed still like the sands in an hour glass. A silent film was being displayed. Only God's work at hand.

When time had elasped and the film had ended,  the princess saw the little future knight run off , and she captured the moment. She left the grounds of the ball , remembering the day,  thanking her father and smiling. Yet heart of hearts she could only hold the
truths.

She understood in life, it is all about timing. Not her time. Her father's time.

She experienced not romanticism of a fairy tale but the beautiful and blessing of it. One day,  when it's time,  a knight will become her prince,  who like her,  is imperfect and driven. Yet,  from the moment at the ball she was able to grow up and see the blessings of knowing who you are and living for you.

The Eyes of a Child

Since last night, I have had my oldest Godson Aeden with me, alongside with his little sister Katheryn, who is also my little God Sister/God Niece.  I’ve kind of known for several weeks I would have had this opportunity to spend this weekend and have “Auntie Jenn” time with them.   All I can say the past 24 hours have been an interesting adventure but, I am very blessed and thankful all at the same time. More importantly, I sometimes wish I could see things through the eyes of a child.

The interesting part of my adventure began with my 6 year old God son asked me, “Aunt Jenn are you married? Do you have any kids? Will you one day get married? Who will be my uncle?”  After considering his questions and trying not to laugh, I began playing his little game and letting Aeden make some “big boy” decisions.  I just couldn’t believe he asked these types of questions.

So I asked him about the type of man he wanted me to be with; just for kicks because for me, I gave up on perfection a long time ago.  Honestly, with the way my life is going, poor Aeden’s thoughts and wishes might be a dream. So, I guess you’re pretty curious what the little man said.

He said this:
Light eyes like mine, light hair like mine, drive blue or grey truck, kind and smart, funny, tall, big and strong so he can tackle people and lift him up on the his shoulders to he can make baskets in the hoop, he needs to treat me right and be able to protect me, he needs to have lots of kids in his family just like Aeden’s family, he needs to like animals, he should play football, have knowledge of business and sports, and  he’ll go to the school where you go.  More importantly I bet I’ll see him today. 

As I tried to not laugh about I luckily was able to change the subjects.  He asked me why I left the country.  I told him I went to study in Australia for school.  He said he was ok with seeing me on the computer and talking on the phone a few times. Still, if I went back he’d be ok, he guessed.

I told him, being 25 I had the opportunity to travel, living in another country for work, and it would be hard if I was married.  Also, I don’t know of man out there would understand my heart’s desires of going back to Australia. Yet, it was like but, still.

Having the opportunity to sit in the stands, seeing my university play their last game of the season, in the same stadium where in 2005 I had my last football game as a senior in HS. How I miss Stockdale sometimes.  Yet, it amazed me how Aeden was so excited be there.  For the most part, he was excited to see the offense play but, more so to see the defense play. 

In the 2^nd half of the game,  I continued to share in the working of the game, and seeing the excitement in his eyes! Even more his excitement occurred when a defender caught an interception.  As the minutes ticked away, all he could say, “Jenn, I want to meet number…” and he told me the number.  I couldn’t believe who he wanted to me.  He was like please!!! 

So, at the end of the game, with the help of a few people I knew and God’s grace, Aeden was able to meet his “hero” of the game.  The funny part was he had me running almost 50 yards alongside the track to meet him.  I can hear him now, “Jenn.. Jennifer HURRY up, he’s going away..”

Well through God giving me courage, I called out to the player’s name. With a smile on his face, he was kind enough to stop and it played out with much more than I could have ever expected or imagine.  Sad part, I had my phone in hand and I didn’t even take a picture.  All I could think about was letting the player get to his family. Who was Aeden and I?

On the way to my Jeep and on the way up to Canyon Lake to meet up with my parents, for majority of the way all Aeden kept on talking about was how he just met his hero, except he was a little sad he didn’t get a picture but, he hoped one day he’d see him again.  I tell him just pray to God and see what God has planned.  Midway through our ride, he says, how this guy is perfect and would be the kind, sweet, and smart protector I need in my life.

 As we’re jamming out to “Brave” and I’m singing away to him, he pops out and says, “You know he’s the one God has for you. He's going to protect you and beat up the bad guys and he'll teach me more about football!”  I started busting out laughing.  I tell him he’s crazy and he’s very funny.  He says I’m the crazy and funny one and need to see the truth.  I ask him what brought all of this on and his response is, “You’ll never know because I’ll either never tell you or I’ll tell you ONE day.”

We get back and progress into dinner tonight and Aeden decides to tell the story of his hero to the story to his sister and my parents. He’s at the table on the patio smiling away. You can see the light and innocent in his eyes. He just went on and on about his hero and wished he could have taken a picture but, since he didn’t maybe God would let him meet him again.

All I could do is just sit back and let him tell his story.  In the back of my mind I just wanted to tell Aeden, “Aeden, Aunt Jenn just wants to finish her degree in August, save up money, move to Sydney, Australia for work and baton twirling for the next 5 years, be able to travel, earn my PhD, and just see where God’s taking me. Yet, I know how much you’d like for me to get married, you to have an “uncle”  to teach you about football and other sports, and have other kids to play with one day.”

Nevertheless, while I reflect back on the adventures of today, I cannot be upset for the young boy. He was excited about going to his first football game with his Aunt Jenn. He had no problem showing off his “future d-line” shirt I created for him. Mostly, he says he’s just enjoyed being with me.  Finally, after 6 years of his life, to have this moment, I couldn’t traded for the world. Who knows, maybe God’s preparing me.

What people don’t know is I didn’t want to come home this weekend. I only pushed to come home when I knew my dad had today off because, he rarely gets it as a self-employed pharmacist, and I know one day, I may not have this time to spend with the kids. More importantly, I knew my parents for some odd reason wanted to go to the game, since we only live like 20 miles from Seguin.  I have no regrets. (Little did I know I’m helping Aeden earn a patch for Scouts)

God I don’t know why Aeden has said what he’s said. Completely a CURVEBALL to me y’all!  All I can do is just smile.  Still, I can only look at times through the eyes of a child!