1 more hour to go: Whatever happen to the King she once knew?

There was the road she was driving on
She knew where she was going
She had driven this path for the past 4 months
Yet today's drive seemed a little different

She couldn't seem to wrap her head around a few things
No way in a millions years could she had believed
She'd be back in competition mode
Working on fulfilling her dream
Overcoming the odds
Doing what people couldn't have expected her to do
Still a part of her still felt shattered

About a month after her training
The unexpected occured
She never expected to have path
Get crossed with the King
And to start to see the compassionate, caring, gentler side
A part of her had actually missed this King

But as days drifted away
Summer turned to Fall
She soon realized that she had gotten in to deep
She had believed in her heart
That the King was a good hearted man
Not a boy full of ruthlessness and arrogency
He had changed from the ways others in the land
Had been describing him, viewing him, and judging him
She chose not to listen
Only defend him to others

People called her blind, foolish, and other names
Saying she wasn't in her right mind
These words burned her soul because
They came from people who supported her throughout her journey
She only wanted the world to see what she could
Once the boy King took off his mask
And stopped hiding away from the rest of the world

For some reason
She began to trust him
Which was completely not her way of being
She never let her guard down, put her trust in anyone, or open up
What was she doing
How could this be happening to her
How could she
A servant of the land
Respect, care, admire, and want to be friend a King
Who in return
Only showed his vindictive and cruel, cunning ways now

Somewhere along the way
The man who she wanted to know
The man whom she thought cared for her
As a human being
Forgetting she was only a servant to the land
Had disappeared
And became the King whom the land believed he was

She had had enough
A part of her wanted to walk away from him
A part of her still believe that somewhere deep down
Was the man of worth, faith, kindness, and everything
She felt, saw, and got to know
When their paths crossed
On that dreary summer night
He was better than the boy he presented himself to be

As time grew near for her
To enter the world of competition
She missed the King
Whom she thought was someone
Who understood her and could relate
She missed their converstations, jokes, and exchange of smiles
However she knew it was all over now
The King chose his crown and his heirarchy of people
The "beautiful" and "rich" people

Although her heart would be torn of confussion
And she may never be able to understand
The meaning behind the King's bi-polarism
She'd never forget the way he did show his heart
At one point is
As of now though
She had to say she was done
She'd worked to hard
To worry about someone
Who appareantly
Only cared about himself and not the representation of his character
She was done making excuses

While she continued to shift her mind back to the road
She knew God was in complete control
And knew exactly what was going on
Maybe one day the King would become the man
She knew he could be
Not the boy he turned out to be
She only had to walk by her faith
Not by her sight
And never stop believing nor
Underestimating perfection

She looked at the clock...
1 more hour

Wanting to Escape to Neverland: A J Ko mini-story

It seemed he rode into town
On his steel ton horse
Appearing to the crowds
Expecting to be cheered on
By all that are gathered across the land

As he came into town
Everyone makes way for him
Regardless if he appears
To be absorbing the limelight
Treating people one way in public
Yet privately mocking them
Showing no signs of gratitude
Just letting arrogance get in the way

She couldn't bare to be a witness to this
It took for such a long time
His treatment of people that is
She wanted to stand up to him
Yelling at him his ways
Truly needed to change
And he needed to take a look in the mirror

What happened to the man
Whom she was honored to know
Excited to be associated with
Live in the same land as him
The man whom she defended
Without a blink
Just trusting her faith

Now she just sees
A man who is riding on a steel horse
Who is secretly letting his pinchers come out
A man who knows how to show
His cold, ruthless, and no emotional side
A man who appeared to have nothing but a stone cold heart

She knew he once was wrapped in caution tape
He had a big flashing warning sign
She had been warn the man wasn't what he appeared
He may had appeared to be a man of worth and service
But deep down she knew the truth

Somehow on her path to self discovery
She was able to past the mask he once wore
And see that he was just man
Wearing a people pleaser mask
That underneath it all
He wasn't nothing but
A man who was lost in his own world
A man who could appear to be someone
The world would be proud to know
Call a hero

Still some how that man had disappeared
Over the past months of knowing him and observing him
She felt that man she once cared about
Had just been an act
And should have known he was trouble from the start
She wish she could go back and change things
But damage had already done

She just wanted to fly off to Neverland
A land where he had no domain
Where he couldn't play people for a fool
Nor read too much into their gestures
Assuming something was more than what it
Really was deep down

No Neverland would be the place
Where people were free of judgement
Treated equally no matter what
There was no ruler but God
No one to tell people what they should feel or think
No one to question their emotions or others

The first moment she could escape
The same land as this so called man
She would take a one way ticket to Neverland
She wouldn't have to fear the man and his entourage
No more ungratefulness occurring
No more  having to see
Others not having confidence
Or filled with insecurities

So til then
She would just pray he'd get a reality check
He'd come to his senses
Grow up a little
And maybe,
Just maybe see there were people who cared about him
For the man he could be and once was
Yet, this all seemed highly doubtful

Eventually though
She'd be able to escape the King
And freely soar in Neverland
Forgetting the he ever existed
Or waltzed into her life

Guarding the heart from the King: A J.Ko story

Guarding the Heart from the King
By J.Ko
(This was just a random story I wrote one day while working in the Zone last week)

She guards her heart
Refusing to let the king and his court
See the truest colors of her golden heart
She tried her hardest to express her kindness and gratitude
Serving them with a polite smile, respect, and friendship
Never once really shouting her inner most thoughts
Most certainly never wanting to disrupt the peace

Even when she didn't always agree with the King's decisions
She only showed her most sincerity towards him
Respecting him and supporting
Of at least tried to show him she supported him
Throughout his trials and tribulations
Yet deep down
She could see beyond his crystal sapphires
That shielded his soul from the rest of the world

Regardless if he refused to demonstrate
His softer, gentler side to the world
She knew  that man existed
However she knew the King
Wouldn't let the world or his men see
Most likely the land wouldn't understand it
Nevertheless who was she

She was just a mere servant to the land
Reporting the news
Entertaining the crowd like a jester
A scholar in training
Who observed the people in the land
With an open mind and heart
Seeing things differently from others
So she's been told
Refusing to get caught up in the King's web
Acting like the norm
Continuing to live her life & holding her own

Oh but deep down
She did hold her secrets that
Would take a wise man to unlock
She may not wear her heart on her sleeve
Nor express the feelings of the heart
She was enjoying not being in the spotlight

For she did not truly despise the King at all
There was something more
She knew what she wanted to tell the King
Yes the would be a private matter of the heart
Still it wouldn't be something she'd share openly
The only way she'd share it
Would be on a few terms
Maybe when all the fall leaves come off the trees
Or when it rains in this drought
Or maybe when he goes for over 200, with a 55+
And get half her age in combined attacks
She'd unlock the mystery to the King
Nevertheless she knew the truth of it all

When would the King see
She could see  beyond his front
And not go anywhere because she understood
Come to surface again
Would she have to confront him about it
With the busy lives of the land
There'd never be the time for the realistic points
To be addressed
Doubt she'd even be heard

She was only a servant to the land
She wasn't of hierarchy
She didn't fit in with the King's men or ladies
Nor did she aspire to be
She wanted SO much more
She only wanted to fit in with the Heavenly King
She wasn't someone graveling at his feet
Begging to serve him at the drop of a hat
She was someone who did speak her mind to him
Still she had her reservations

Beyond reality
She knew she had to guard her heart
Hide her emotions and feelings
Stand firm in her convictions and morals
Continuing to live, work, train, & serve
Never changing to please another
Staying focused on her ambitions
As she had been doing
Before she even knew the King

All she knew was
She had to be careful
And not get her hopes up
Only pray the King
Could one day see
He was more than what
He appeared to the world to be
He was a man of faith and worth
Most importantly
He too had a servant's heart of gold
He just had to take his crown off

But that day
Will be the day
When he sees
That every mystery
Is full of beauty, grace, love
And has the ability to be solved

Hiding from the Spotlight: A J Ko Song

Hiding from the Spotlight
By J.Ko 10/15/2012

Every single day
I walk down the road
Thanking God for all my blessings
Some I don't deserve I believe
Yet I know God has His plan
And will prove me with all I need
Oh..Oh..Oh..
I couldn't ask for more
But there's just one thing
I wish I could burst out singing

Chorus:

Underneath my baby blues
Lies a mystery awaiting to be unveiled
A mystery to a world
Full of love, life, Christ, and so much more
A heart full of purity and Gold
All it takes is a little time
Out of your busy life
To sit down and engage in getting to know
The not so mysterious and complicate girl
I am acclaimed to be
Though I may no publicly show my ultimate feelings
Privately I'll let you know
Exactly what I'm truly thinking, feeling, and beleivin'
I just want to hide it all away form the spotlight

Vs. 2
People pass me by
I flash them a simple "Hi" or "Hello"
With a Southern smile
Showing my Texan hospitality
That I've been raised on
Never letting them see
I'm flying on the edge of my seat
Seeing where God's takine me
On my 2nd chances
On this bless road of redemption (yeah)
Because

(Chorus)

Vs. 3
It's hard to show the truth
Of what has held me back
When I'm ready to leave it all
In Yesterday
Forgetting the pain
Of every heartache and devestation
The hurt and the scars
Finally overomcing all my fears
Putting myself back together
Being able to feel again
And know it's possible to let someone in
But only time can tell
So open up your eyes to see
I just need you to be patient and understanding
Willing to take that chance
Seeing

Chorus

Vs 4
I know I may come across
As one heck of a mess
Complicated and confusing at times
Please don't be scared
I'm not trying to intimidate anyone
Pushing anyone away
Or make someone go runnin'
It's just all of this is so new
Hopefully the world can understand that
I don't want to my heart on my sleeve
I just am ready for the changes
God has in store
Not trying to be in the spotlight (spotlight)
As I'm living out my dreams
Can you see

Chorus x 2

Hiding from the Spotlight.... yeah.....

What are your priorities? Who is your priority? Reflections of 2 readings and a Gospel!

Tonight sitting at Mass, I was sitting at Mass listening to the Father at St. Margaret Mary's back in San Antonio, after trying to run around trying to find an idle pulley assembly for my poor JJ. Yes last night trying to back up out of the parking lot from meeting my parents for dinner in Floresville, I heard a pop and I knew it.  Any who if knows me, I have been spending the past 3 months preparing for my first major competition after recovering from a knee injury and deciding that yes, I'm bound and determine to get a 2nd chance in one of the most craziest sports a girl could could be in- baton twirling.

Father begin with a story of an Olympic athlete- training to have the opportunity participate in the Olympic games. The athlete arrives at the games, performs his or her routine, awaits for the the judges to present their score. At that moment, the athlete is thinking all the training and practice that went into that moment is about to be challenged by a set of scores. Moments late, the scores are reveled, sometimes the athlete advances to the finals, the athlete podiums, or the athlete goes home with the feeling of failure and unable to receive the desires of his or her heart because of lacking something.
The athlete comes back to America completely CRUSHED! As in life, we have times when we've been told we're lacking something and we become completely devastated.

In our lives we're faced with choices from God. We have to see that it is important that we let things go and actually doing what he's asking.  We have take the opportunities that God presents us with.  There are preconditions of discipleship with God, trusting God with any and everything.  We all need and must trust God. The question is, do we all trust and truly follow Christ.

Here's a thought from scripture, the book of Wisdom to be exact: Nothing is a priceless, more beautiful than the who has a pure heart and is able to see the true treasure is in heaven. Also understand he loved her more than light, gold, and silver.

All of us have things we hold as treasures  yet, do we have our proprieties in line? What are your priorities in life? What are you willing to give up? Are you willing to accept the uniqueness of life because you are unique? In order to see God's plan fully you must show trust in him and make him and Jesus your top priority in life.

At the end of Mass, this woman behind me tells me, "Never let anyone tell you your heart isn't pure, beautiful  and your song you're singing is a way for God to allow you to touch live. He has given you a amazing gift and you're extremely beautiful. May you keep on touching lives and I just know he blessed you in so many ways and you have the ability to touch lives and hearts. Never lose your purity."


She made me think about what someone once told me, Never make someone a priority when they are only making you an option. I had been told that 4 years ago, and I had completely forgotten about that. I've realized here lately, I feel that is what I've been doing. Therefore, I believe God had me be there at that Mass for several reasons. So time for some re-prioritizing! 

Can you give me a manual please

I wish I could be handed a manual
Of all your plans and expections of me
Every day I wish you could tell me
Exactly what you need me to know
What my purpose is
And what you want from me.

Sometimes I feel so lost
Int this world
amongst the sea of faces
Hiding behind their masks

Life would be easier
If you could just provide us
With a playbook of plays
So we're ready to face
anything headstrong, aromour and all
Always ready to make that move
Being completely fearless
Not having to stay on our toes

Right now ti's all a confusing mess
Playing the waiting game
Having to be exteremly patient
Letting you be in control
Not knowing what's going to happen
No clarity or understanding
Why can't you give me a manual, script, or playbook?

Things would be so much easier
Simplier and less confusing
No one would have to explain themseleves
No more mysteries to be solved
All the books opened
Read cover to cover
Plays played out fully
Everyone is a winner
In the crazy sea of life
No more need for masks

I know I'm not alone: A J Ko Song

I Know I'm Not Alone

I'm feeling alive
I'm feeling free
I just want to let my hair down
And run in the wind
I just want to shake it off
All the bad things that's happened to me
None of that all matters now
Now that I see
Who I really am
Where I'm going
All because

Chorus:

I know I'm not alone anymore
I know I'm able to break my chains
I know that I'm saved by grace
Love's surrounding me every day
I am healed by His mercy
I am fortunate to have
Angels at my side
Guiding me along the way
Nothing can explain
What I'm feeling in my heart
I know I can make it

The power of life overcomes me
As I realize my new found strength
No more running from my fears
Just accepting all my blessings
Embracing the light
So it can shine through me
Letting the world see

Chorus

No more being overwhelmed
With the fashions of life
The worries of yesterday are gone
I'm flying so high
I'm believing in myself again
And I see my dreams
Nothing in this world can hold me back
No more (no, no)
So..

Chorus

Yeah I know I'm not alone
Yeah I know!

You Don't Know What You Do to Me: A J Ko Song

You Don't Know What You Do to Me:
A J Ko song

You don't know what you do to me (yeah)
You don't know what you do to me
You don't know how you drive me crazy
How you push me to do my best
Inspire me in more than one way
Being around you
Helps brings out the best in me (oh-oh)

Chorus
I just wish I could tell you
What my heart's secretly holding in
Maybe you'd be able to understand
How with you
I know God's place you in my life
And I wouldn't change it
No I wouldn't
Or have it any other way
Even though I may not show it
I'd wait patiently to see
If there's even a chance
For you to know
How I see you, believe in you
And can only pray
We only do have the rest of our lives
To see where this journey is going to take us

All we have is time
God's time you've said
And I'm learning that surely but, slowly
It's something you've shown me for sure
You've open my eyes to a new world
Over this short period of time
So I'm finding myself in a place
Conquering fear and just allowing myself to feel
Trying not to over analyze it all yeah
It's something new
Something I've never known before
But...

Chorus

When I felt like pushing and pulling from you
There was just something about those stained glass eyes
I could see beyond the surface
I tired to ignore it at first
All I wanted to do was solve the riddle
But then things changed
I was stopped in my tracks
With you there was someone
I was the real me with
Forgetting the past and unashamed
And I could see the heart of a man
Touched by the light and saved by His grace

Chorus x 2

So I'm saying
You may drive me crazy
But I couldn't ask for more

Being able to feel again

So maybe it's the sleep in me that's getting caught up or something but, in the past 48 hours, my eyes and heart really have been open. I think in my collegiate career I have done the most craziest thing ever, scrapping a paper and rewriting it, yes ALL 23 pages it!  I can still see my fairy godmother now and the look in her eyes (I thought that girl wanted to kick me in my butt or take her wand and turn me into a pumpkin or something).  She always warned me, "Don't go falling in love with your research."  Well, you how they say, be careful what your wish for or what you say, I'm really starting to understand that words can come back to bite ya.

Driving back from Marbles Falls, jamming out to Green Day in JJ, I had this creative rush over coming my brain.  Maybe it was an adrenaline rush from getting to see my parents and aunt for dinner or the fact that God was moving mountain or maybe my heart was finally allow itself to just let go and maybe just live and feel.  I was attempting not to try to figure it all out.  I just knew that I had these great ideas brewing in my mind and I was on a mission to help the world understand Rock music and its connection to Christianity.  More importantly, I really think I was attempting to not let my heart try to worry about feelings.

Speaking of feelings, on Friday, after venting to my sweet and blessing angelic coach, I noticed my heart was starting to truly feel for the first time after so many years.  I almost had forgot if it was capable of knowing the  effects of it. It's almost as if it has caught me off guard, hit me like a ton of bricks, come at me like a speeding train, and into my life so unexpectedly. I realized that I had NO earthly idea what was going on.  I wasn't calling upon God on how to handle it.  For so long, prior to present, I had been ashamed of who I was because of the health issues I had, the past I had, the crazy roller coaster of life I'm always riding, and the way that I see I am living my life: School, Church, Sport, Work, Family. Living this 2nd Chance in life to the fullest. No room for any errors.  However, little did I expect a blessing or I'm not for sure what to call it.

All my, if you know my testimony you're pretty understanding to why I'm always hitting the hills running when it comes to feelings and emotions, I've constantly pushed people away. I've always tried to be the superwoman, cared for people, made sure everyone was ok, worried, and took care of everyone else because that was in my human nature. Never once did I really let others, particularly the male race (asides for say my father, my godbrother, or mentors) care for me or reach to me. Over the years, I've gotten comfortable with the idea and understand that people were going to be generally understanding and caring, the women in my life, towards me. Men on the other hand, well not really. Why get close, they eventually walk out besides, 9 out of 10 think I'm nuts and crazy anyways. Besides, my time hear on Earth is precious.

Well about 2 months ago, when the storm of the semester began, I got into a boat, and had NO idea what I was getting myself into.  A part of me was just a little timid and didn't really know what God was doing. My life was changing and all I wanted to was take this 2nd chance from God and not worry about distractions or anything.  I certainly wasn't expecting anyone or anything to just pop out of the blue.  Nevertheless, I guess I soon learned God always knows what is better for us, who and what we need, and sometimes our way of thinking isn't what is always correct.

Now something that is going to blow the world by storm for sure.  Through this storm that I've been sailing in, God has completely sent someone, who at first I thought was a complete shark or deadly creature trying to distract me or what not from my goals and plans but, I was SO wrong. After I stopped overthinking and worrying, I became unblinded and could see so much light in the storm. I could see that God had place this person in my life for a particular reason, and has every intention of keeping this person in my life for the time being.  Even if I'm not 100% sure why, I can't wait to see.  I know despite the fact that this person drives me up the wall I know in my heart and mind, every moment, conversation is well worth my time.  It's really not every day you find someone you can really be yourself with and not have to worry about the wickedness of your past.

I'm not for sure what is going to happen but, I know that my soul has been touched by God's grace and God has used his child to impact my life in more ways already, more than they know.  Sometimes I have wondered how it wasn't possible to notice this person sooner but, it's about God's timing, not ours.  At first my fears of feeling and the unknown got in the way but, now, I'm praying God will just keep our eyes and hearts open to see what amazing works he has planned.

Again, how crazy is it to think, it'd be able for me, the crazy grad student, to have a ice cold heart, to be turned from ice to something full of unexplainable warm words?