You'll Never Walk Out On Me!

Even when it feels that the world around me is constantly changing and I want to cry, I know I can't. Right now, I know that God's in control and even when I don't know the reasoning and logic behind things, God does. I see things constantly spinning out of control but, things remaining completely balanced. I look at the door and there you are, standing there not even saying mention that this would be our last meeting or leading towards our parting of ways. Though, I'll never forget the look in your eyes, the stauesque of your body leaning against your truck, that hot July day. The tone in your voice should have told me to be on my guard but, I wasn't. However, I have no regrets of our time together, the moments, and secrets. Who knows where things are going. But if I have to defend you again, I would in a heart beat. I do believe that breaks are often needed. For now, I'm realizing that I just can't worry but, only pray. It's just hard to believe as almost a month has will be since I should have realized what would have happend. However, I'm realizing what is coming up next. A new and amazing chapter is here! Starting with a new look on life and realizing that with you God things are possible. Seeing things that I've never been able to see. Letting go of all this anger I've held for over 6 years. This is the time to make a fresh start on life! I can't say for sure why you're doing this but, I can't wait for where this new chapter is taking me. I've already learned that there's no crying in baton twirling and even when it feels like someone walks out on you, you will never!

Maybe it's the Meds

I wake up from almost a 2 hour nap today and I hear my uncle and dad talking about something. Couldn't make it out because I was trying to cover my head with the blanket but, that didn't drown them out. I see on the table I have my bottle of cough syrup open, not such a smart idea, and my antibiotics next to my research   I was reading. Then I woke up with this strange strange thought, a thought I really hadn't had in ages, "Sometimes in life, things are better left unspoken." I don't know what I was thinking while I was thinking but, all I could think was I was glad I didn't send a text msg I was trying to send.  

Call me guilty but, even when you're trying to be a super hero, all you want sometimes, when you feel completely weak and your body is out of it due to your body not being up to par, thanks to a nasty infection, is someone who can provide those comforting words since, the ideal of a comforting touch of another doesn't really come to mind.  However, try to tell someone that, someone who's suppose to be a person who knows the dirt on you and someone you can babble to when you don't make sense, you become timid and scared. Then it hits you. It's like the fate of the universe is trying to tell you that there's this big red halt button being ready to be pushed because something's just not adding up. 

What is so wrong with for once in the pass almost needing compassion when you're sick. Trust me honey, no one wants to be since.  Granted yes, I've been saved by my versions of Batman and Superman several times when I've been stressed out and I was little unorganized or when life didn't make since. However, this time, I've already been drained, had a steroid shot, and meds in me.  Geez I've been the one providing all the compassion to the world when they needed it, I mean granted I could live without it and I'm sure I'd be fine but, it'd be nice. Still did I mention on top of it, I'm still having to comfort people because it's what I do and I don't mind. Yet, it wouldn't mind a little cheer either.

Anyways, I guess sometimes, even the smallest or kindest of heroes don't need a title nor compassion from their best of friends.  The greatest thing to do is love another person and be there for them and know that as friends that is what we do. Still I guess it wouldn't hurt to pull the friend card and ask for a tiny bit of it.  You know what's terrible though is when someone who really hasn't been in my life but for only a few bit of time picks up the phone and texts me to see how I'm doing and made sure I went and got myself checked out. Maybe going to lunch with this friend of mine wasn't such a bad thing. 

God I just don't know what to do any more.  I'm trying to fight something and I can't figure out what here.  Like I said, maybe it's the meds in me talking, causing me not to make any sense at all.  My guts telling me one thing, my hearts telling me another.  I see that big flashing button saying reading HALT and flashing so bright it's really tempting to press. You know maybe, just maybe I'm over thinking and over analyzing everything.  Maybe it'll all make sense soon.  

I just don't understand why now.  I've never been that clingy or a needy of a person. I've been that cheery, caring, ray of sunshine. Who is going to do what it takes to make YOU happy.  To just smile, say what's on my heart and mean every word of it. Not really thinking about what I want or need. 

However, now it'd be nice to just have someone ask me how my day was, ask me how I'm taking it that I go in to get my simple antibiotics but, then I have to go get blood work done, and how when I've got something awesome to say, I just can't pick up the phone and call and tell share it with you.  

I believed it was all there. I believed it was possible we could all be living busy lives but yet, we could take the time for the people we care about. Maybe I'm not even ready to hold a friendship with another yet. However, I do believe that my theory was right. I must be a good luck charm to some, helping them find love yet, I'm such a great hero, I've got an alter ego that'll scare you off. 

Who knows maybe it's the meds. 

It's just crazy how waking up we can realize things, seeing what I want, what I need to continue being me, and even I feel balanced, I know where I'm going and all the excitement that comes with it! 

Love Can Change Lives

Call it ironic. Call it a coincidental.  Call it a part of God's plan.  Over the past 3 days, a topic of discussion has been "Your Calling" and "Serving."  One Friday night I had the opportunity to twirl for the kids at VBS in Stockdale, give a mini version of my testimony, and explain to them that we each have a calling and we should go out to the world and let our lights shine so that man can see our goodness.  Let me tell you that this was completely unexpected and spur of the moment but, completely fulfilling and I felt like I was doing what God had called me to do.

Now let's flash foward to today's Homily.  Deacon Zeke at St. Margaret Mary's in San Antonio gave beautiful yet, almost must needed to hear talk about how God calls each of us because he lives in us.  You never know when he calls us but, when he does, he does.  Even when the doors get shut in our faces, we need to continue going out and spreading the good news.  Doors will eventually open. 
He closed by telling a portion of his testimony.  He said people will notice when God has entered your life and when you've truly accepted him. (Kind of ironic because it sounds like a year and half ago in my life.)  His concluding remark was "Love. Love is important.  We live in a world with so much damage and violence and hate.  Just know, that the love of one person can change the lives of another."

Then it hit me, I was looking up on Jesus and found myself talking to him and God.  For the first time I realized something.  I realized that I was a mere servant called to do the works of God in whatever he wanted me to do but, for the first time I realized that he's preparing a man for me who will have a humble heart and love me for me. When the time is right, God will show me.  I know I will not be the lonely servant just loving cats and the Lord.

What a crazy realization.  I mean I'm not really anyone important but, I know am someone who's always answering the call and willing to love someone regardless.

WOW it is true, love the greatest gift of all does have so much power in this world and on a human's life!

Waking Up Every day

Feeling a little inspired from the people around me so... I wrote this!

Every day I wake up
With a smile on my face
It feels ever day is a new beginning
A day full of new breath taking moments
And so many blessings
Every day is a day you save me
And each day I find myself
Falling deeper, and deeper in love with you

Every day I feel you
Picking me off the ground
Lending me a helping hand
Every day your hand
Has been able to take this harden heart
And help heal it
With your gentle care, love, and compassion
Every day you've come around
When I have feel completely beaten and stressed
Your words and actions
Are exactly what the Doctor has called for

Everyday I feel I'm on top of the world
I feel full of drive, power, confidence, and security
It seems your spoken words
Have become words of inpsiration and comfort
Everday your presence in my life
means more than you'll ever know
I know I can make it
I'm blessed and fearless
I am saved

Everday I can't stop smiling
I can't wait to see what happens nextg
Everyday I know there's someone who understands
Who gets me and doesn't judge me
Everyday I'm finding more reasons
why I feel blessed you're in my life
And why I'm falling more in love with you

Everyday day I find myself in a state of bliss
Just to know how lucky I am
To be miles a part from you
And I can still fill ignited
Yet I can't wait to see you again
Everyday I am me and free

Casting at a Masquerade: Seeing Right Through You

Written 6-17-2012

You say you're cold and evil
Cruel and despcible
In a matter of time
Any female could be a part
Of your master conquest
Become captivated
Underneath your skimish magical spell
A spell which the lucky female
That your spell get casts upon
She'll fall right into your trap
A trap that you might say
"Once she enters there's no turning back."

An outsider may not be able to
For see where the journey will go
But an insider can only fear
Fear that the madness
Doesn't control her or changer her
Yet another can believe
You're only fooling yourself
It is impossible

As time changes
So can you and your vindictive ways
Because from what I can tell
Your spell only sounds like a hoax
Maybe I'm the foolish observer
Who chooses to believe
That you're spell is really
A hoax waiting to happen
Due to the obvious fact
That there is a greater powere
In this World we live in

Granted you maybe so consumed
In conquests and living up to your evilness
Thinking the intensity you bestow
From your physic and mystic eyes
Can luruer an audience member in
Given the approriate amount of time
Slowly you'd make your move

But let me tell you this
Not this time
I've got you pegged
I feel you're going through a change
Even  if your believe you're cold
And you've got this extreme harden heart

Deep down inside of you
Is a man with a good soul
A soul that is warm, open, and soft
A man that doesn't mess with spells
And ebing full of an evil spirit
A man through playing games

Secretly between you and me and a fenece post
All of this is just a cherade
We're at a masquerade
And because you're still
Dealing with you and your plans
Are afraid to take the mask off
Stop casting and planning conquests
To be able to wake up
And see the great power of goodness
That constantly surrounds you

Maybe it is time
For you to swallow your fears and pride
Releasing all the evile
And no longer feel trapped
In the evil and cold world
You've been dancing in

I know what I see
What I've always seen
Will you ever see what I see
Or will the planes of time be broken
And all this time
I've been falling into your trap
Eventually being cast under your spell?