Massive Writer's Block!

I know I should be putting the final touches of my massive research paper which, for the most part is on its last leg, despite re-writing the conclusion and intro for the millionth time. I'm such a perfectionist   However, I have this massive writers block, a FIRST in ages.  My thoughts are completely scattered.  It's like my fears are coming out left and right.  Maybe it's because I know the expectations placed on me or the fact that I know this is my 2nd chance and I don't want to mess up again.  Look at me I'm one hot mess worried about making mistakes.  The human in me is coming out.

You know can I jump back in time to the setting of a Christian concert where it seemed like everyone was worshipping God and there was no worries.  Everything seemed to be washed away and there was nothing to consider at that moment in time.  All the stresses in life seemed to be placed in the appropriate places?

You know this past week has been crazy and insane. I think it's great how my brothers and sisters in Christ have been encouraging me to step out of the darkness and into the light, seeing great things, not missing out on things, not always living in the library or in the gym practicing.  Yet, in the back of my mind, I have no earthly idea what is going on.  In the past 24 years of my existence on this earth, that has NEVER been an option.  I don't know anything else.

Oh and for a curve ball, how would you like this not know what feelings you are experiencing that make you want to laugh, cry, live out loud. You know know God's in control, he's taking your hand, guiding you and leading you.  A part of you is so open to what he's doing but, then a part of you is so scare of letting yourself feel what he's doing.  It's almost as if your worst fear is actually feeling for someone, letting someone truly care about you, and actually get to know you.  The most craziest thing is, you're willing to hide your pride, sacrifice your time, and even when you're upset or mad, you can't be because you just want to reach at your hand saying "I'm supporting your choices, understanding of your decisions, and always going to be here as long as God sees I'm needed." The worst part, is not knowing.  The unknown because how do you know if the feelings are returned, even if you believe in your heart the time and moments are all worth it, there are two children of God involved.

Y'all see why I'm going nuts!

God what the heck is going on!!!

Even if God says, there is a perfect timing for everything, it's hard to understand, and you'll have to pray he'll guide you and show you his way.

The Intervention that Changed my Life

Alright you lovely and supportive readers of J Ko's blog, this probably will be my only blog of the week especially since I'm working on a few deadlines. My apologies in advance if you were hoping for more reads to help you go to sleep or just pure reading enjoyment.

All I can say, the past 72 hours God has been in complete control of things.
I'm not for sure what's really going on
Other than he's trying to have my eyes open
And using the people in my life to tell me something he's wanting me to hear
Maybe I needed this intervention but, I'm not for sure
I've been so blinded by my work, serving, my research, and my training
I had literally tried to turn everything into research
Thinking that was the best defense for me to stay focus
Little did I know I'd own up to the truth
The truth is- I'm FREAKIN' SCARED

Yes that's right sports fans you've heard it hear,
I'm scared and all I've even known, been told is
You make a mistake, you fix it
Therefore, you keep your head in the books
Your hands on your batons
And your heart serving the Lord
That's all I've really wanted to do this semester
Stay out of the spotlight and keep my head in the game
But wait-
All of that sounds good but, is that God's plan?

I've done something that I'm going to own up too
I've tried to run in some form from God's plan
I've probably turned into  a scarred cat because why
I didn't know what to do with what God was giving me
I couldn't admit it to myself
Yet people around me (who really have been able to figure me out)
Could really tell what I was doing
Therefore, they decided I needed a little intervention.

Here's the outcome of the intervention:

I apparently can go on caring about the world
Serving the Lord and giving back
Always being myself and going about life
Dedicating my time to my studies and athletic career (what I'm trying to rebuild)
I've got all these educational and professional plans talked about
Yet when it comes to personal plans
I just have a list of a perfect man, that needed to be thrown out the window.
I walk around not letting anyone get close to me because the moment it does
I fall apart and push them away, not allowing God's work to be done
I will not own up to the fact that I'm a scared to death of a personal life
Do to the fact that I never allowed myself to see it was possible or worth the time
The biggest thing is, if I continued waltzing down the path I am going
I'll continue to over think and analyze EVERYTHING and EVERYONE
I need to stop being a researcher/interpreter/an athlete for one moment
And embrace the goodness that God's blest me with.
Ultimately, if I continue to let the world's view bother me or scare me
I'll be unable to see what God's trying to tell me or show me

Nevertheless,
As it was put to me in various ways
I need to learn that yes, having a personal life, not published everywhere
Is completely normal and actually healthy, hence a balance in life
The worst thing I could do is reflect on the past
Stop worrying about making mistakes again
Look at what I've overcome and how far I've gotten
Continue showing gratitude to those who are my angels by my side
And open my big eyes to see that God's trying to tell me about certain characters
Let him take my hand and just live
See what I see how you can look at person
See kindness, gratitude, the light, and a Godly person
Be open to what God is doing in your life
And understand that the characters in your life need you
And you need them.
More importantly-
STOP LIVING IN THE LIBRARY, CALVARY, AND THE ZONE
AND LET PEOPLE GET TO SEE WHAT "WE" SEE IN YOU
YOU HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE AND SHARE WITH THE WORLD.
If I didn't stop to do this, this group of people have warned me
You'll never truly be able to see what God's great plan is for you


With all of that being said,
I don't know where I'm going or what's going to happen
All I can safely say to you is this
God's in control, he's holding my hand, and I know what I see and feel
I'm humbled, honest, and willing to see things being done on God's time

Converstations for another time

How can I say it to you
I'm scared and afraid
I've been finding a way to runaway from you
To revert back to the ways of education, faith, and sport
To avoid the idea of our paths never crossing
To never have to face you again
To admit to you this

You drive me crazy
Sometimes when I think I've got it all figured out
I've tried to figure you out
I've tried to crack the code
I tried to turn you into a piece of my work
Because I didn't know anything else
Yet, deep down with you
I failed to see the truth
Since I apparently think too much

Maybe it took me get hit by a ton of bricks
Or attempting to seeing the darkness turn to light
But I finally see through the broken pieces
As they come together to
To make a beautiful piece of God's art
To see the little things can matter
To understand how simple kindness
Is powerful and meaningful

For so long I let the world
Try to control the way
I should be swayed
Instead of listening to my heart
And hearing what God was telling me
A part of me did it because of my pride
A part of me did it because I felt
I needed to protect things
Yet who was I kidding

So here's what I realized and know
You can drive me crazy
And I believe I'm starting to know your story
I can't wait to hear more
I know you've been placed in my life for a reason
And I wouldn't have it any other way
It took me a while to see
There's so much more than what meets the eye
I'm enjoying every moment of it
And I'm thankful and feel so blessed
For all your understanding and patience
Slowly, I'm learning to understand another
Something I never believed could be possible to do
After what I've had to overcome

Hopefully you can understand
This is all new to me
I've never truthfully felt like this before
Nor had the capability of feeling this open and free
I don't feel that I have to be in the spotlight
Nor to I have to expose everything to the world
I'm just enjoying flying by the seat of my pants
Have the chance to be free, open, and me
Enjoying our random encounters
The world being clueless
Just God guiding us

I know I've made mistakes
I know I'm not perfect
But I am a daughter of Christ
Maybe you can see the light too
And the changes that occur when
You're willing to break the chains
Not even worrying about labels
I've even throw out my list of perfection

I'm not for sure what's going to happen
But maybe you wouldn't mind
Walking into the light with me
Just shooting the breeze
Seeing how we're characters in each other's stories
We'll continue to appreciate each other
Continue knowing each other's stories
And seeing where we're meant to be
Unafraid, unashamed, seeing that we're wonderfully made
No worries about the past
Only seeing what miracles that God has planned

So what do you say
We've got some conversations for another time?

Effects of the Into the Light Concert

I know I should be crawling into bed but, I just can't without sharing something that touched my heart tonight after getting to experience the Matthew West concert with 3 of the most amazing women in my life right now.     It wasn't about getting to meet Matthew West, Mike's Chair, & Lindsay McCaul after the concert and their amazing Christian loving words that touched my life, it was something much more deeper that took me back, brought me back down, and had me have my eyes open.

It started with the words of opening act,Ever Found singing their song about you're never beyond repair  Leading to Lindsay's songs "Take My Hand" and "Say My Name".  Her last two songs hit me, literally as I'm getting a nudge by my adoptive mommy/GAC community adviser, to just listen to her lyrics.  She talked about going through a raging storm when we want things to go our way however, God has a another plan, especially when we're going through a crazy storm, we should just tell him, Lord take my hand.

During Mike Chair's set, I knew that I would get emotional during Someone Worth Dying For because that constantly I've been reminded that I am someone worth dying for and God didn't make a mistake. They progressed in to a cover of How He Loved Us- the very same song the nurse was singing in the ER room the morning of my car accident 2 years ago. Concluding their set with Keep on Changing the World.  Yes, after speaking with them, regardless of where you go, one person with the simplest of things even with baton twirling or just in speaking, can change the world.

Matthew West's set was amazing.  I love how he's an artist who's taking his calling from God to make a difference in this world through ministry and to take the stories of every day people and turn them into songs. I realized I was moved in so many ways and I knew God was having me a reality check.  Constantly he kept on telling us how we're running on God's time, not ours.  Funny how one of his stories was about how things happen when God wants them to, not when we want them to.  It was even so amazing when Renee, the woman who inspired his song Forgiveness, came out and told her inspiration about her 22 year old daughter losing her life by a 24 year old.  I about wanted to break down when he played this song.  All I could think was back to 8/14/12, the day I was pretty told, "Shape up or Ship Out!" I was having a hard time forgiving the gentleman who hit my mother and I.  I was blaming him for all the problems since the accident.  Then I thought about a few parts of my past which, no one should go through and have to live in silence for all their lives, not being able to come out with.  Thinking of how I have had a hard time forgiving those who hurt me and broke me.  All of this has caused me to pretty much want to curl into a ball and push someone away, that shouldn't be, apparently.  When he say his song about being wonderfully made and strong enough, I know that God has made us wonderfully no matter our appearance and through God, all things are possible.

Everything came together and God doing his work, when part 2 of the Sisters in Christ intervention continued /concluded.  It has been brought to my attention, I am a thinker, researcher, and interpreter.  I do nothing eat, breathe, and live by researching, thinking, and interpreting or I'm practicing or serving God at Church.  Whatever the case, I'm applying that same concept to my personal life. (WHAT, I'm allowed to have a personal life!) I'm constantly trying to analyze the meaning of everything and not just letting God do his thing. Also, I need to just throw out my list of perfection! If I have my eyes so focused on perfection and only hoping God will let that list exist, I'll never be able to see something great in my life. Most importantly, I really need to just stop listening to rest of the world and letting it effect on me. God knows the desires of my heart, he knows what my heart feels and sees, and who gives a flip what the outside factors believe. Ultimately, I learned that yes, I'm afraid. I'm scared to death because I'm not in control. In the past I've always pushed people away or I've ran.  Apparently this time, I am not suppose to.

Well all I know, God had a plan for me to be there tonight with those 3 ladies and to hear the msg from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I don't know what's going to happen but, God will show me and he's going to help me make it through this storm.

More you discover, you discover.. Mind BLOWING Mystery!

Sitting in Biblical Interp today, a class which my mind tends to do more conversational with God then it does paying attention to Dr. Allen here lately but, today I was zoned in.  He hit home with me when he began starting his lecture series on the qualifications for an interpreter.  He began with having reasoned faith.

He started by staying faith is not the end of things. Furthering on, he began explaining the heremeneutical spiral, knowing more.  I had to sit and question him several times.  He said "More you discover, more you discover there are things out there to discover."  I thought this man was insane.  I asked him again to repeat it, he said the exact same thing.  He continued to say, once you start at a certain point, you discover something, there's no turning back. This is your discovery.  Using your own reason, source, etc. to interpret 
The more you know, the more mystery.  The more faith required.  However, the truth will set you and the idea of knowing everything locks you up.

Alright I'll admit, 24 hours prior to hearing my GAC advisory member say these words, I was like a walking zombie, trying to solve the worlds greatest mysteries, loving my research, and trying to just blend in, be normal and do me- school, church, twirl, work, and count down til I can go home to see my family.  BUT this was rocking my mind to outer space.  What he was saying was what I had been trying to do already on some of my research and real life cases.  I've already been trying to see things differently and things.

By the end of class all I could think was "WOW Dr. A, I can't believe how God was speaking to you and letting you instruct us."  The crazy part is, he turned to recite part of my favorite verses from scriptures- 1 Cor. 12:31-13:13:
When I was a child, I used to talk as a child,
think as a child, reason as a child;
when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror,
but then face to face.

I thought this man was crazy!

After saying the verse he said, you're no longer thinking like a child, you're thinking more in a mature mindset.
Funny how God and the way he prepares us for life.

The beauty inside of books and stained glass windows

Today I realized something. We live in a world that has people always trying to suggest how to view things or people. Often, we are blinded by are prejudgements we've come up with or the misunderstandings we've had.  Little did I know with a very short, under 15 minutes to be exact, my eyes and ears would be opened and subjected to my truest feelings.  Here lately, I have sat back, just observing things, researching, studying, keeping to myself, only to discover God has been trying to allow myself to experience something more mysterious and more challenging- reading an unrecognizable book and observing art, stained glass windows to be exact, and apperciating them and seeing them in a different light.

Sometimes we find ourselves not eager to read a huge novel or chapter book because of the lenght, bent pages, dusty cover, etc., etc.  Many of us may just read the back of the book or the inside cover page, thinking we'll find out what the book is about that way. Yet, some may find the idea of reading a book to be the worst thought ever or a complete nightmare but, for someone, reading is like going on an amazing adventure. Each page provides a new twist and turn. Every chapters tells you something new and mesmerizing.  By the time you get to the end of the novel, the mystery has been solved and the smile of satisfaction appears on your faces because you've gained a greater apperciation for the text. Then there are those who could simply careless.

Now consider stain glass windows. One might thing they are broken pieces of glass, not even worth looking out, regardless of the picture or pictures being created. Others might see a pictures and look at it once or twice and say, "nice" then move on. However, there just might be that one who looks at that piece of stained glass and because to connects the pieces.  The observer sees how it tells a story. The story may be hidden between the cracks and colors. Although, very mysterious, it is worth spending the time looking at, admiring, and valuing.  Each moment spent with the piece of art, offers a new experience.

What I am getting at here is this. I've had this gut feeling, though not often publicly expressed, about how humans are just like books or works of arts.  The beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, the reader, and that everything does have 2 sides to it.  For it isn't until you look past the surface, past the mask, that you can see the beauty, gentleness, the truth of it all.  Yes, it may be challenging at first to read a book because you don't know what direction the author is taking you or looking at the art because you don't know the artist's ideas however; you have to rely on God's control of the situation.  He will give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and words to speak, and the truth to stand by.  It is his judgements we will live by.  Not the worlds.  Therefore, today I realized something much more valuable, which did make me want to cry.  Maybe I became more open when I heard this story today or God was having this man speak to me.  All I know, is my heart just wanted to follow God's command and love like him, and turn cold hearts to warm hearts; showing the world, each person can see beyond the eyes of another, and even crack the greatest of mysteries.

Are You Reading the Story Cover to Cover?

Written 9/14/2012

We all are observers in this world
We each choose to see things from a certain perspective
Many choose to go with the flow
Viewing the populus perspective
Instead of their own
Or the one their heart and God is encouraging us
To view, understand, and accept

From a young age
We are told
"You never really know a story
Until you read it cover to cover"
Due to some odd reason
We may never end up picking up a book
Reading it page by page
Comprehending the text
Becoming entranced by the mystery
And falling in love with the truth
The beauty and the realism of the story

So many miss the truth and beauty
Thanks to prejudgements
Picking up copy of Spark Notes
However that really does allow you to
Know the real story
Are you seeing the real pieces of the puzzle
Or are you just seeing what's on the surface

To be blinded by your own submissions
Is to Possibily miss something amazing
For every story has a mystery to be reveal
Secrets to be understood and to be shared
All to be cherished
Beauty and Grace to be captivated by
Nobility and courage to respect and honor
Memories to be created
And blessings to last you a life time

A J. Ko. Song: I'm Alive & Fearless

wrote 9/13/2012

Woke up this morning
To the sounds of train rollin' into town
Looked at the clock
Quarter past 5

I was up and couldn't go back to sleep
Jumped out of bed
Turned on the radio
Began to dance around
Thinkin' to my myself

Chorus:
I feel so alive
I feel so free
I know He blesses me with the tiniest blessings
I know I can sing His song
I know I am thankful
I know I love Him
He's helping me to see
I'm fearless and I can fly
Sitting back enjoying the flight

I roll out the door
And go do my normal routine
There's no sun in the sky
Just the stars and the moon
Shining bright to light my way
After an hour or so feeling sexy and free
I come out to see
The sunshine rising on me
All I want to do is shout because

Chorus

Come back to see
What the rest of the day
Will have in store for me
It seems to be a typical day
I'm still flying free and fearless
Feeling on top of the world
Ready to face whatever challenges
Might happen to cross my path
I know in my heart
Because of my faith and trust in God
I'm not afraid
Oh yeah

Chorus

Who would've expected that
My day would see a twist
When a mysterious challenge
Entered in the door to my left
No one could have expected
The little show that was put on display
I was so caught off guard
But I know I wasn't afraid of it
All AI know is
I can see past through
Those strain glass blues
My confidence was sent soaring
But I knew I was on to something
Don't you know

Chorus

Repeat X 2

Oh I can't wait to what
The rest of the day brings Me
I just know I'm Alive and Fearless

Grande Masquarde of Life: Seeing the Mystery

Everything isn't always as it appears to be
Things may always appear to be one way
Yet, when you look beyond the surface
There lies a greater mystery to be solved and unveiled

As time progresses,
You soon learn there is so much more
to be learned than what is present
A part of you wants to be Sherlock Holmes and snoop
But in your heart
You know God's in control
Eventually you'll begin to see
The truth unmasked
And you're sticking to it

For so long though
You've always believed
There wasn't much to see
However, at the right time
You were able to see past it all and understand
That behind the masquerade going on
There was such much to learn and to share

Yes, it may able to all be a show
Being performed for all to see
Causing people to talk, stop, and stare
Letting speculation be known
Nevertheless, having the mystery solved

While patience and time are all we have
Little by Little the myster becomes known
Even if it is being conducted
Slowly, privately, or mysteriously
The symphony plays magical music
As the chorus sings the beautiful notes
Dictated by God himself

Getting to see all the clarity
That has been hidden
Behind the masks worn
At the Grande Masquarde of Life
Making your own judgements
Seeing the beauty and heart
Surpasses the presenation of masks

Overtime you'll be able to know
All the secrets and story
That lies beyond the greatest mystery
You've been blest to come to research
Somehow you've grown fond of, entranced by
And can only look forward to see
What God shares next

Taking Chances And Not Being Afraid

written 9/8/2012 They say God present us with chances Causes us to choose to open the door Jumping through it Allowing us to be guided by our faith Letting him have full control Often we become completely clueless On the direction God is guiding us We just know the moment we say "Yes" We're under God's hands He'll give us words to speak Tell us the truth And all we have to do Is see the truth and stand by it He'll always be our biggest fan But at the same time He'll be the parent or coach giving us though love and wise words Still at the end of the day He's always there for us Opening our eyes to see The beauty and grace he's created Although the world may seem hazy At the right time God makes everything more clearer Providing you with a bright light While he reveals the truth to you Exactly the way he wants it to be With no question, no doubt He may not bring you what you want Given our current states of mind We don't see the truth Or even possibly understand it However God knows all He answers all the questions of our hearts And in some estrange way He answers all of our phone calls Telling us of our needs Ultimately God is ever powerful Always walking us down a crazy road And always showing the true beauty Of one's heart and soul to another It's up to Him To continue providing us with opportunities And it's up to us to take those chances Not being afraid

No More Wondering Whispers: 2 Sides to Every Story

Just a little warning: I was pretty bored at work and it was extremely slow yesterday and I ended up writing this! Listen to the world are you There are small mumbles People passing along the streets Whispering words to each other Constantly they seem to be More vocal than they appear Almost as if All the right moves are being made While the right words are being spoken Nevertheless there are always Those silent observers Depicting every move Formulating their own opinions Trying to generate the correct way Everyone and everything should be viewed However there are a few Doing their own research As they are called to do Privately having the understanding There is more to people than their exterior Avoiding the sounds of dictation The reality of it all is Every story always has 2 sides to it The on the author has to tell and means it And the one the secondary source interpret its Most often, the world takes the interpretation Overlooking how closed minded we can be And afraid we can be to take a leap To go outside one's comfort zone Taking the time to see Beyond the surface of the exterior Developing the truth of the story In the author's perspective Not the secondhand information We each have our own stories to tell Many waiting to be told Some wanting to be told All from the author's perspective The only thing is Are you willing to learn the real story With no wondering whispers in your ear?

I'm in a committed relationship with my Faith, Research, & Sport!

If there is such a thing as normal, I'd like to know. For, me, I don't believe there will ever be normal. My life has never been normal but, for once, I am 110% positive that God's in control and it appears I have my priorities all lined up. I don't recall the last time I've been seriously committed to my priorities as I am now. As I glance back to where I was 12 months ago, I feel I didn't even know who I was. It seemed I still was recovering from the wreck of 2010. I think I still was wanting to escape Corpus and say I'm a graduate student, I can make it, and I've got this. Needless to say, almost a month ago, reality set in. God truly sent a few unexpected, yet curveball of blessings in my life. For the first time I can truly say I'm seriously in a committed relationship with something.First and foremost, every single day, my relationship with Christ and God is getting stronger. As much as I hate not being in control, I know God is in control. He's finally showing me it is ok to let go and to not have fear. He's my quarterback and I'm his receiver. He's my pilot and I'm his passenger. He's the one who's guiding me on this crazy broken road of a journey. I'm just going with it. I'm giving him the glory every day! Also, there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't spend at least 1 hour with the beloved Walker Library of Howard Payne University. In some odd way, we've developed a unique bond. It's like he knows what my job is and what I need to get done. He provides me with all the tools I need to make sure I'm staying on track and my research is getting completed for the 3 classes I'm taking. I'm holding myself accountable for my actions and not slipping away this time! As for twirling, even if it's just only 30 minutes a day, I find myself getting up earlier enough, here lately before 6 AM, to go practice. Going over the new material as well as basic technique. Even though there really isn't a football season I'm focusing on, that doesn't mean there isn't my health and competition season! I know I want to compete at nationals in Nov. and NCABT (possibly). The oddest thing is, every day I'm waking up with a smile on my face, feeling butterflies, and different than ever before! This change, which I'm sure God has seen coming long before I could, has been long overdue I suppose! Nevertheless, I know I'm 110% committed to his plan and the relationships that I've developed with my faith and my work. Even if he throws the ball around here and there, I know I'm ready and not afraid to be myself and see where he's sending it!! Hopefully the world around me will just understand what it means when I say "At least I know it's a committed releationship"

J. Ko Side: Day 2 of Plus USA Pageant Weekend!

So day 2 was something interesting. Another day of glitz, glam, hair, make-up, and nothing going right on time. A part of me couldn't wait for the day to be over because, even though I knew what decision I had made the day before, I wanted to go back to a normal life of research, practice, praising, and just being a daughter of Christ. However, I knew God was in control all day long. The morning started out with the delegate and model breakfeast. It was so cool because they had asked me to do the morning devo and prayer. Some how, our out of no where, I'm quoting the book first book of Joshua, on fear, strenght, and being courageous. I actually find it somewhat funny because I'm not too familiar with that book. Yet, it seemed with everyone's emotions being all over the place and lack of sleep, I guess that's what God was calling me to do. The words came out exactly how they were suppose to and I got over my own personal fear of not knowing the word. During the interview process, I had to work on finding music for the evening which, wasn't so bad. It was kind of cool to have people come up to me in the lounging area to talk to me. The most awesome part to me, was to be able to rehash about the previous nights sports games. Funny how we laughed about Penn State being defeated by Ohio! The first rehearsal of the morning was a mini workshop and full of icebreakers. It still cracks me up how I got up, still on my spiritual high, telling the girls to get over the fears and walk the red carpet. Come Joshua had some wise words and just like he told them to go to the tabernacle to confess to the Lord to make a convenant. How in the world I was on a Joshua high today, heaven only knows. Unfortuantely because of my devotion to the Lord, I missed out on one of the photo shoots and a rehearsal but, I wasn't missing Mass. It was so awesome to go to the beautiful San Feranando Catherdal in Downtown SA, even if the Mass was in Spanish. Fr. Ceasar always has beautiful was of putting the Gospel and the bible. I felt during his homily, he was talking words I needed to hear. He said something about how Mark was talking on regardless of what's going on, we're always traveling down a road and God has it all planned out for us, we can't defile each other. Then he spoke about James and the fact we're gifts from above and we have so much to offer each other. (I couldn't remember the rest because I got distract by the stained glass window of St. Anthony.) By the time mass got out, it was literally get back to the hotel, get back to the room, fix hair, throw make-up on, change, and get everything I needed for the evening. The final dress rehearsal was fast quick and before I knew it was time for me to go work with a student from the Milan Institute, get in my opening number outfit. The whole evening for the show was a blurr to an extent. Having agents, spectators, and talent coming up to me and asking questions blow me away. Having to worry about making sure everyone was ok, the director had what she needed, I was set on track, and I was mentally prepared for my farewell performance. By the time I got to my performance, my mind was all over the place, but I was ready. Despite the busted lip, it was amazing. The feeling was amazing. I knew God was with me from the first note to the last note. The standing o can't even explain it. I wish the world could have seen it. Well the world outside of the people there, granted I don't even know who all was there but, those back home. Just having that opportunity to perform, after having to modify what I prepared do to height, was about praising the Lord. By the end of the night, I had to give my farewell speech. Well this farewell speech turned out to be my introduction to the world/nation at the Miss Plus Size USA Lifetime Ambassador. I didn't know this was happening but, I knew this was a part of God's plan. It's really sad to know this but, in the society we live in there are women and youth who need someone who can help them see it is ok to celebrate their curves and to be full of self-confidence. Maybe it is a part of my purpose in life to help others be inspired like I've been inspired. Who knows. Ultimately, there was no turning back. AFter all the crowning, signing of contracts, and packing up, we finally got food. Where'd we end up going, Taco Cabana- SCORE!!! The oddest thing is, I was telling my dad about someone of my research and I had asked him about me and starting to date one day. I said, would the guy have to call you to get permission. His response, "Well he's lucky I don't have a gun." My dad, the pharmacist, son of a former military man/machanic, said it that. Go figure. Nevertheless, that statement right there, and enjoying some of the best Tex-Mex food, a Dr Pepper, and getting to be in basketball shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops. It was like paradise!! Well I was most certainly glad that the only thing left was the Farewell Brunch the next day.

Revelation of A Secret

We all have our secrets we don’t go boasting to the world about Sometimes we want to keep the hidden from the world Not that we’re ashamed of what they are We just want to be humbled and a servant We want the spotlight off of us And the attention on those who truly deserve it Often, we feel that the secrets Should just be kept confided to those Who really need to know about them Not to worry the rest of the world about things Not because of shame more so, about privacy Nevertheless, these secrets can be a mystery to us as well When we least expected, The revelation of the secret Begins to surface and you have to be truthful Sometimes the truth may be hard to face Other times, the truth is perfectly natural You’re 100% honest and able to speak the words God’s given you Although one might wonder what the world might think One can’t let that cause them fear when the truth Does become a part of reality Sometimes it is really hard To tell someone you want a normal life To be treat like the rest of the people who walk the planet To not let titles, honors, or accomplishments define you To just go about things like every day Not letting the other side effect you affect things Just remember God is your quarterback, your captain, and commander He has everything planned out for us all Even when we’re disclosing a part of us If it does become public Never be afraid Or never be afraid If the time is right to tell your story And get your secret off your chest All I say to you world Just tell me what you want to know And when the time is right I will reveal them to you Most importantly, When you least likely expect it, The truth does reveal itself And you have to let God guide you

J. Ko's side: Day 1 of the Plus USA Pageant Weekend from

Day 1 of Plus USA Pageant Weekend Sept. 1, 2012 No words can express what the past 24 hours have been like. For the past 2 years, I’ve known this event was in the works and I had been looking forward to being with the Plus Size POWER organization and all the Plus USA delegates. Having been in many of their shoes once before, Lord only knows I’ve been looking forward to helping my fellow PSP family members and daughters in Christ prepare for their journeys ahead of them. Never could I have expected to have all the chaos that I had getting here. On my way to the hotel Friday night, the night of the blue moon, I witness the expression, “Once in a blue moon. Driving on Highway 377 between Brownwood and Brady, here comes this deer leaping out of nowhere. Praising God, nothing happened to me. I was just startled and a really nice man passing by, stopped to see if I was ok. I continued to finish the rest of my trip to the hotel in beautiful Downtown San Antonio. Once I got on 87 outside of Fredericksburg, I was like “God, I don’t understand this. My heard is totally into the pageant weekend and everything but, in my heart, the look in a few people’s eyes when I told them I couldn’t go to the HPU Trinity game which, was a part of my plan since I saw the publication of the schedule, yet, for some odd reason, this other part has a life, actually no one knows about and I hated lying to someone today but what choice did I have. How are certain parties privileged to know about my life. First off, I don’t go bragging about things and there are things that not everyone needs to know. Secondly, I’m not 100% what’d I say, how’d I approach this arena of my life, that yes means a lot me but, to someone who may not understand the unfamiliar. All I can say is you’d give me the right words I hope.” Technically, after being on 87 I just wanted to keep on going home to Stockdale but, I had to just get to the Double Tree for the pageant events. However, I knew God was in control and he has his plans for me. It was about 2:45 am by the time I rolled into the hotel parking garage and my aunt was there waiting to help me get to the room and make sure I was ready to be up by 7 am to get ready for the day ahead. Little did I know I’d walk in and see a beautiful welcome msg that’d startle me even more. Regardless of what hurdles I had to get or leaping deer I had to see, I did manage to be up before 7 am, get ready for hair and make-up and get ready to say farewell to the pageant side of my life. Say farewell to being involved with making appearances and getting ready to live a normal beautiful curvaceous life. Well, my day started out by being caught off guard with seeing a group that I hadn’t hoped to run into to, nor I had ever had the intentions of telling about my “secret” life. Funny thing is, from these gentlemen that I respected and admired, I was myself and gave a very brief statement of what I was doing. They wished me well, I wished them well. I went on my merry well and met the delegates. Once we had our welcoming, God decided to throw me another unexpected twist into my day, an organization that had welcomed me with open arms and a placed that I had represented in the past as the former Miss Teen Plus USA, had asked me to continued representing the organization. Plus Size POWER had asked me if I’d me if I would want to continue working with the organization and being a face for the organization. I was baffled and lost for words. The day continued to be full of craziness when I ran into people who I never expected to see. Crazy how even as my secret started to be relieved after the day trip to the Towers of America, it seemed God planted all the words I needed to say to this man I looked up to, from a sports perspective. As the day continued with the photo shoot and discovering that some of the models weren’t there, we had to improvise. The shoot ran great and I had the opportunity to spend the evening with one of the Texas delegates. She was totally an amazing person to be around. I’m so blest that God had placed her in my life. At dinner it was so awesome people came up to us wanting our picture. Who know Mi Terra’s would be a great photo opt? Yes I know, in the back of my mind I wanted to be at the Jackets’ football game for a lot of reasons. I did keep up with the game via live stats but, it wasn’t the best way to handle it. After that, she and I ran some errands for the director and we had the opportunity to continue to bond. She definitely taught me some great lessons about life, faith, and love. I still don’t know how she put up with me and my groggy side when I started crying about certain things. Even after the Day 1 had come to an end, I really realized that God had his plan and he knew exactly what he was doing. I mean so what if I didn’t get to be there physically showing support for people who I wanted to be, I knew in my heart, they knew I was there in spirit. However, we all have our own lives we’re been called to live and have to understand that God has the plan. Well tomorrow’s interviews, rehearsals, and the final show/pageant!! It’s going to be another sleepless night!!