Feel It: Nothing Is a Coincidence

Nothing is a coincidence. 

If someone would make an attempt to define the past 6 months of my life, no definition could be found nor, could a portrait be painted. All one could truly begin to say is God knew exactly what he was doing and no explanation is needed. More notably, for what was at hand, was not an accident or a coincidence; for God knew perfectly what was at hand. 

Reflecting back on where I was at this point in my life 6 months ago, I was preparing for the opportunity of a lifetime. I was just days away from going to a country, I had fallen in love with once and now I was going to work at a university I could only dream of studying at. Still, a part of me wanted to have Texas in a rear view mirror.

Yes, even though I may not have wanted to admit it, I was running. My heart shattered in pieces and felt it had no ability to forgive. Maybe a part of me had been holding onto a million different puzzle pieces and the thickness of the walls seamlessly unbreakable. Yet, God intervened somehow.

No one will believe when I say being abroad I was changed, motivated, pushed, and challenged. Many have said it’s an unfortunate shame finding myself and could finally metaphor like the butterfly, as I’ve been called. Granted I’ve been silent at times but, God knew none of my experiences Down Under or the people’s paths I crossed was an accident. Of course there was more.

Even as I hit my 4 month maker of my return, I know I’m not the young woman I was, who cried like an infant being deprived of her Dr Pepper bottle , when I was Australian Customs and almost the entire 14 hour flight from Sydney to San Francisco, silent tears trickle down my cheeks. Nor do I see myself as the frantic graduate student who just wanted this last year to fly by. More importantly, do I no longer feel hungry, lost, and confused.

Hunger. Yes, hungry for attention, acceptance, understanding, to be desired, and to have all things perfect such as a 25 year old should have. Seeing family, friends, and my world being consumed in relationships, marriage, and children; my heart longed for prince charming, Mr. Right, and no long to be known as “and then there was one.” How I let all things intangible consume my heart and mind. 

I became focused on trying to please the world, chase other’s hopes and dreams, and forgetting about my relationship with God and Christ; seeing my own voice being lost in the crowd. I cared more about fixing an already broken past and being blinded by my list of perfection, instead of my most significant relationship and being seduced by perfection. In this seduction, I became lifeless and a puppeteer’s mignonette. I was fading into a sea of misery and finding it impossible to be jubilant in my new found glory. 

Finally when God presented me with a light, a new frosting recipe, and a few other curve balls, some rubbish was disposed of and my world became elated and my world became elated. The miraculous occurred and this feeling of extraordinary began to immerse out of nowhere, just as a team throwing a Hail Mary pass or a World Series kind of feeling. Whatever it was, I know I finally submitted myself to my bridegroom in Heaven.

My heart and eyes reveled to me a revelation. My Father is the King of Kings, I am his princess and I know when the time is right, he’ll send the right prince for me, even if his attire is knight’s armor or not silk or majestic dress, when he sees the time is perfect. You cannot force anything; it always happens on the time keeper’s watch and hour. His revelation unveiled my heart’s truest desires and the person I really am’ not the “perfect” or undesirable person the High Courts try to dictate to the commons. God has shown me the unique and beautiful person He’s created me in his image to be.

With all that being spoken, I hadn't forgotten about how drive and motivated I am. I go after what I want and get it, if it’s obtainable. When it comes to competing, it isn't about always winning; it’s about doing my best and being my best. 

Somehow, one of my heart’s simplest and most sentimental desires and dreams, is my prayer of the man God’s preparing for me. He’ll be loving, kind, caring, driving, motivated, understanding, humble, and honest. He’ll write and speak with eloquence yet, it’ll be in such a way; his words are heartfelt and meaningful, poetic, and moving. Maybe his gentleness and genuine being will be so pure and true, he’ll be able to touch my heart and his words will make me want to cry tears of happiness!

To be able to get lost in the moment, one that’s photographic with two getting lost in each other’s presence, smile, eyes, and age of innocence.  While the sands of time go by, the silent film is being filmed in slow motion. We’ll both be imperfect but, perfect for each other. Only the Heavens know I’m living in an illusion.

After all these years, I have seen my family is vital to me and my scars are fading into stars. Maybe it’s true, time can be the only healer of the heart. Magical events can occur to all who are patient. Regardless of where I am, I am different and unique. I am free and feel live again. God’s my king, I’m his princess, and one day timing will all be as one, and everything will happen when the time keeper’s watch elapses.  Because nothing is ever a coincidence.