Being able to feel again

So maybe it's the sleep in me that's getting caught up or something but, in the past 48 hours, my eyes and heart really have been open. I think in my collegiate career I have done the most craziest thing ever, scrapping a paper and rewriting it, yes ALL 23 pages it!  I can still see my fairy godmother now and the look in her eyes (I thought that girl wanted to kick me in my butt or take her wand and turn me into a pumpkin or something).  She always warned me, "Don't go falling in love with your research."  Well, you how they say, be careful what your wish for or what you say, I'm really starting to understand that words can come back to bite ya.

Driving back from Marbles Falls, jamming out to Green Day in JJ, I had this creative rush over coming my brain.  Maybe it was an adrenaline rush from getting to see my parents and aunt for dinner or the fact that God was moving mountain or maybe my heart was finally allow itself to just let go and maybe just live and feel.  I was attempting not to try to figure it all out.  I just knew that I had these great ideas brewing in my mind and I was on a mission to help the world understand Rock music and its connection to Christianity.  More importantly, I really think I was attempting to not let my heart try to worry about feelings.

Speaking of feelings, on Friday, after venting to my sweet and blessing angelic coach, I noticed my heart was starting to truly feel for the first time after so many years.  I almost had forgot if it was capable of knowing the  effects of it. It's almost as if it has caught me off guard, hit me like a ton of bricks, come at me like a speeding train, and into my life so unexpectedly. I realized that I had NO earthly idea what was going on.  I wasn't calling upon God on how to handle it.  For so long, prior to present, I had been ashamed of who I was because of the health issues I had, the past I had, the crazy roller coaster of life I'm always riding, and the way that I see I am living my life: School, Church, Sport, Work, Family. Living this 2nd Chance in life to the fullest. No room for any errors.  However, little did I expect a blessing or I'm not for sure what to call it.

All my, if you know my testimony you're pretty understanding to why I'm always hitting the hills running when it comes to feelings and emotions, I've constantly pushed people away. I've always tried to be the superwoman, cared for people, made sure everyone was ok, worried, and took care of everyone else because that was in my human nature. Never once did I really let others, particularly the male race (asides for say my father, my godbrother, or mentors) care for me or reach to me. Over the years, I've gotten comfortable with the idea and understand that people were going to be generally understanding and caring, the women in my life, towards me. Men on the other hand, well not really. Why get close, they eventually walk out besides, 9 out of 10 think I'm nuts and crazy anyways. Besides, my time hear on Earth is precious.

Well about 2 months ago, when the storm of the semester began, I got into a boat, and had NO idea what I was getting myself into.  A part of me was just a little timid and didn't really know what God was doing. My life was changing and all I wanted to was take this 2nd chance from God and not worry about distractions or anything.  I certainly wasn't expecting anyone or anything to just pop out of the blue.  Nevertheless, I guess I soon learned God always knows what is better for us, who and what we need, and sometimes our way of thinking isn't what is always correct.

Now something that is going to blow the world by storm for sure.  Through this storm that I've been sailing in, God has completely sent someone, who at first I thought was a complete shark or deadly creature trying to distract me or what not from my goals and plans but, I was SO wrong. After I stopped overthinking and worrying, I became unblinded and could see so much light in the storm. I could see that God had place this person in my life for a particular reason, and has every intention of keeping this person in my life for the time being.  Even if I'm not 100% sure why, I can't wait to see.  I know despite the fact that this person drives me up the wall I know in my heart and mind, every moment, conversation is well worth my time.  It's really not every day you find someone you can really be yourself with and not have to worry about the wickedness of your past.

I'm not for sure what is going to happen but, I know that my soul has been touched by God's grace and God has used his child to impact my life in more ways already, more than they know.  Sometimes I have wondered how it wasn't possible to notice this person sooner but, it's about God's timing, not ours.  At first my fears of feeling and the unknown got in the way but, now, I'm praying God will just keep our eyes and hearts open to see what amazing works he has planned.

Again, how crazy is it to think, it'd be able for me, the crazy grad student, to have a ice cold heart, to be turned from ice to something full of unexplainable warm words?