I know I should be putting the final touches of my massive research paper which, for the most part is on its last leg, despite re-writing the conclusion and intro for the millionth time. I'm such a perfectionist However, I have this massive writers block, a FIRST in ages. My thoughts are completely scattered. It's like my fears are coming out left and right. Maybe it's because I know the expectations placed on me or the fact that I know this is my 2nd chance and I don't want to mess up again. Look at me I'm one hot mess worried about making mistakes. The human in me is coming out.
You know can I jump back in time to the setting of a Christian concert where it seemed like everyone was worshipping God and there was no worries. Everything seemed to be washed away and there was nothing to consider at that moment in time. All the stresses in life seemed to be placed in the appropriate places?
You know this past week has been crazy and insane. I think it's great how my brothers and sisters in Christ have been encouraging me to step out of the darkness and into the light, seeing great things, not missing out on things, not always living in the library or in the gym practicing. Yet, in the back of my mind, I have no earthly idea what is going on. In the past 24 years of my existence on this earth, that has NEVER been an option. I don't know anything else.
Oh and for a curve ball, how would you like this not know what feelings you are experiencing that make you want to laugh, cry, live out loud. You know know God's in control, he's taking your hand, guiding you and leading you. A part of you is so open to what he's doing but, then a part of you is so scare of letting yourself feel what he's doing. It's almost as if your worst fear is actually feeling for someone, letting someone truly care about you, and actually get to know you. The most craziest thing is, you're willing to hide your pride, sacrifice your time, and even when you're upset or mad, you can't be because you just want to reach at your hand saying "I'm supporting your choices, understanding of your decisions, and always going to be here as long as God sees I'm needed." The worst part, is not knowing. The unknown because how do you know if the feelings are returned, even if you believe in your heart the time and moments are all worth it, there are two children of God involved.
Y'all see why I'm going nuts!
God what the heck is going on!!!
Even if God says, there is a perfect timing for everything, it's hard to understand, and you'll have to pray he'll guide you and show you his way.
No comments:
Post a Comment