honesty letter

Wrote this during adoration on Friday. I thought about how Father Francis was talking about restoring relationships

Mate,
You  asked me to be honest about the football team and as much as I wanted to let it all out I had to resist.  I believe in certain situations something like this is better left unspoken.  Every one doesn't always need to hear it. I'm sure by now, you figured out what I was doing.  If it was just you and I, I could have been opened and told you what I am about to say. I just wish I could say it while looking into your stained glass eyes.

Thanks in advance for being so understanding.

When I first got here, I dreamed of nothing but football twirling, football games, and the little fantasy I would catch some dashing player's eyes and it'd be like in the movies or other stories I've been told by my twirling friends but, God saw other plans. Getting to compete at an international invitational competition in Spring 2012 and being named Sports Editor allowed me to see where 2 of my greatest passions were; performing and sports writing.  After finding out the decision we all made about competition only for the uni for my remaining time, I had to learn not to live in shame and disappoint people.

For a year I avoided games because of work, using the internet or radio to listen.  It even helped when you told me you didn't care if I was there or not.  As much as I wanted to be there to show my support for you mate and the team you gave me an easy way out of avoiding questions about my absence on the field.  Even though my heart was broken.

Through training for competition season, I thought how awesome it would be to perform at volleyball or basketball games but, God continue to allow me to see I could respect the programs playing by not performing.  While in Australia, those 2 months training and competing gave me a new perspective on life. Pick on my sport all ya want but, by being in the gym more, I concentrate on getting healthier, letting my body get stronger, and my technique improve to ready for 2017 international team trials in 2016. Nevertheless, I can just be me and hopefully you'll support me as I have always been supporting you.

I meant what I said the other night.  I love you guys and respect you.  My heart bleeds for the gold and blue. Every time I put on the colors, I know I am representing y'all. For once though, the spotlight is off of me.

MAYBE this all makes sense to you and you understand now. The last 2 seasons have been interesting!

I just have a few questions, since you asked me if I had any:

1. Why all of a sudden do you care if I'm not there?
2. Do you think it would make a difference if I was physically there?
3. Do you really want me there?
4. How do you even notice out of the sea of faces if I'm really there?
Cheers!

Me

Half My Heart in Down Under- A J Ko Song

Writer's note:  So this actually was written on a little white paper sack I pulled out of my seat pocket on my one of my flights when I couldn't sleep.  I believe I was listening to Holly Long's Can't Forget You, from Wicked- For Good, and watching the in flight movie, "Safe Haven" as I gathered my thoughts to write it.  Strange how it all came together.  I guess you can say I dedicate part of it or more so owe my inspiration to my Aussie friends and my life I had in Australia! Cheers mates!

Half My Heart in Down Under

By J. Ko

Written 28 July 2013

She gazes out the window

Looking at Botany Bay for one last time

She couldn’t believe her time

To return half way around the world

Had already come

It seemed just like yesterday

Some of her dreams were coming true

Right in front of her eyes

As she saw a glimpse of the city

And the pilot said “Lift off”

(Chorus)

Tears rolled down her face

And she prayed

“God I feel like I’ve been livin’

In a complete surreal state of being

Yet all I can think of is how I’m not

Good with good-byes

All I wanted to really say before I got on the lift

“I’ll never forget you
You’ll always be on my heart
I too really hope we meet again

But I froze, left a note

Not able to explain the past two months

Got on the lift

Realizing I was leaving

Half my heart Down Under

(Yeah half my heart)

Verse 2
When it all began

She knew it’d be an adventure

An opportunity

A small town girl

Could put on her bucket list

Never would she had expected

To see what the other half

Of the world had to offer again

Still she could believe the bliss

So sensual and magical

And

(Chorus)

Verse 3

Time was passing by,

Emotions shaken, rattled

Her hearted pulled

She never really planned

To find herself and know who she was

Her passion, faith, desires

All in complete harmony

How could it be?

Oh tell the world how could it be?

Yeah

(Chorus)

Out her bag falls a card and a passport

She reads the card thinking

How she touched lives

More so how they touched hers

Then she finds a slip of paper

Sticking out of her paper

With an address written on it

She smiles and

She closes her eyes

Oh…

(Chorus)

Her minds races

Thinking of a man she met unexpectedly

The laughs, chats, little moments

So rare, natural, real

All unheard of

Never once seeming how time realizing the time

Which passed by

How could she forget a kind and gentle face

And those dark earnest eyes

Finally in the 25 years on this earth

She wore no mask

She was her true self

How could he notice her out of a crowded room

For whatever reason

Ever moment priceless and unforgettable

In the end no barriers

God explain?

(Chorus X 2)

Plane lands

Voice on the PA Says

Welcome to the USA

She would never change a thing yeah…

 

 

Mr. Perfect: A J Ko Song

Mr. Perfect

By J Ko

Written 30 June 2013

Verse:

I’ve always dreamed of the perfect man

About 6 feet tall

Blonde hair, boundless blue eyes

Athletic stature

Any girl’s dream

A little bit of Southern comfort

A heart full of compassion and love

But mainly a Godly man

Who can stand

This crazy dream!

 

Chorus:
But sadly that whole vision

Disappeared some time ago

When I met a man

Should I say a boy

Who met all my criteria

Had my heart

Made me feel on top of the world

Turned out to not be so perfect

Deep down in his heart and soul

He still needed work

For he was too far gone

And it only too me

The first 24 years of my life

To figure it all out

That perfect didn’t exist

Yeah perfect didn’t exist

So I just throw that list away

And forgot about trying to wait for

Mr. Perfect

Verse:

Now that I’m 25

I feel free as a bird

Trying to just live  

Not worry about Mr. Perfect

Thinkin about him

How we’ll have our happily ever after

Rootin’ for each other

Being each other’s best friend

 

Chorus

Verse:

I use to wonder

What it’d be like

To find a future coach or doctor

To sweep me off my feet

Spend our time

Discussing books, life sports, music

And about our devotion to God

As walk along the shores in the sunset

Mostly finding I’m falling’ more in love

With a man

Who love God more than I do

But now it’s a hazy vision

Truth is

 

Chorus

Verse:

Will one day

The man God’s plan

Be better than the one

I use to dream of

We’ll just have to

Wait and see

If throwing a list away

Was the best thing to do

Lord please help me

Chorus

Verse:

So this crazy dreamer

Is going about her ways

Seeing the world

Touching lives

Making a difference

And seeing if

Maybe one day she’ll

Have someone to share it all with .

But for now

This is the way

Oh yeah.. this is the way

It has to be

Chorus x 2

 

 

Dancin' to Matlida's Waltz: A J Ko Song

Dancin' to Matilda’s Waltz

By: J. Ko

Finalized 29 Jun 2013 Began, 10 Jun 2013

 

There she stood, swaying to Matilda’s waltz.

A part of her wondered

what it would be like to sing with the singer that night.

Then she says

“I know god has a my road mapped out for me and

Maybe my voice isn’t meant to

 Be heard this way. Oh no.

It’s not meant to be heard on a public stage.”

 

C

She sighs and prays while swaying to the beat of Matilda’s waltz

 'God just show me your will for me & I’ll go yes papa.

I’ve served you all my life so far
Could you show me where I’m supposed to go
On this Broken road I’ve been travelling on.

I know it’s blessed and full of hope and love

Yet a part of me believes I’ll never have my chance

To be out there on the dance floor

Smilin’ away, Dancin’ away, with no worries
To Matlida’s Waltz

 

As the band played on

She could only dream

1 day her prince would find her

 Ask her to dance

 When their eyes met

He’d know she was the he was meant to be with

The one he was praying for all his life.

They danced as Matilda’s melody played on

Seemin as only them & god existed. What a moment.

Yeah what a moment it’d be

 

C

 

 She just smiled.

Maybe he was just an illusion a dream a bittersweet thought.

God needed to give her clarity.

She wanted to see parts of the world.

Who knows maybe change it

one song or by touching one child’s life at a time.

How could she have it all?

The world still knew little about her.

Papa a little help, please.

 

C

 

As she saw people dancing around her, she gazed in wonderment.

Someday soon she hoped,

She be hearing this waltz play.

While her parents danced in delight,

The room filled with mystic and  passion,

Laughter expressed

 She & God’s charming gettin to explore

A not so broken road.

 Explorin the world and touchin lives.

Erasin the marks of the past.

As she closed her eyes

 

c.

 

So maybe this is all a fairytale but a girl can dream

Praying to God on ride back to the city

I was on my train ride from Kingsgrove to Central station today, coming back from training and I was inspired to write this.  Enjoy

There she sits. Staring out at the tracks waiting for train. All she =

do is pray, pray  to god about how her heart is on fire yet shattering into a 1000 tiny pieces. She knows shes doing his work & feels blessed but her emotions  are in a fury. Sometimes the 1 person she can open up to without remorse seem silenced. She doesnt understand. She isn't afraid. She just needs honesty. She needs consistency. No tricks

 or lies. She knows her own heart, strengths, and passions. God she needed clarity. None of this made sense to her. This wasnt her. What was with her. She could see the lights of the train in the distance. Time to stop worrying. She got on board. Found her seat & turn on her the ipod. Panania bound. Time to put on her game face. She closed her eyes. Shut off her emotions. And no matter how hard she prayed he'd

ever come to his sense. She embraced the 40 min ride. She got of the

train thanked god and was  ready to work. Each day  is a gift.

Thousands of Miles from Home: A J Ko Song

Wrote June 10, 2013

Thousands of miles from home

She stares out the window

Of the train taking her from the country to the city

She constantly wonders

How she could have ended up

At a place she feels at home

Chorus:

She’s praying to God

Thanking him

For the life she’s been giving

Letting her see her dreams come true

Bring her back to a place she could be herself

Not worry about things or

Feel the world judging her

Or the other anxieties of life

Still deep down she’s praying even deeper

For some clarity and not thinking about

Who she left behind

 

It’s been a few days

Since she’s heard from

Still she doesn’t even know

How he feels about her

She’s tired not being able to express herself

Letting him know what’s on her heart

Telling him how he makes her feel

All she wants to tell him

Is she just needs his support, friendship, and understanding

None of this is about something more

But what does it matter

Talking to him is like talking to a wall

But

(Chorus)

She sits back in her sit

Riding along listen to her iPod

Trying to not cry

Watching the fellow passengers

Board the trains, read the paper, or mess with technical gadgets

She hopes none of them notice the tears in her eyes

She tries not to cry or find something to break

She wanted to try not forget about the time out of the city

(Chorus)

The time she spent out in the city

Made her forget about him

Made her forget about the fury of city life

And about the worries that often bother in the office

Sometimes though

She found herself a little homesick

But know her family was a call a way

And she put her faith in God

Yet

(Chorus)

Not matter what she did

She couldn’t seem to get that man

Who had baffled her heart

Off her mind

As her train neared Central Station

If only God could show her his plan

Show her how it didn’t make sense

How it could be great one moment

Then extremely distant the next

All she wanted to do was sleep at night

God please help her she begged

“Central Station” the conductor said

There was nothing else she could do

Still

Chorus

 

 

Looking back on Spring 2013

It may appear that at the end of a semester and my heart has changed!  Granted it was a time for change and growing up still, it was something that I'll never forget.  Much to the world's surprise this was the first semester that I actually stuck to my words and stood by my Lenten promise!  Girls may call me crazy but, actually not having my heart on my sleeve for once and not having my heart completely broken by someone who, needless to say didn't return the same feelings, was a miracle. 

I mean come on girls and some guys, you might agree with me on this theory: Often we find ourselves falling for people we shouldn't, for several reasons we, and discovering in the end, we are rejected or not thought about in the same way.  At times, we fall a part and wonder why we weren't liked in return. Eventually it takes time for a crushed heart to heal and trying to ask God to help us through this moment!

For some crazy reasoning, I thank God this semester I ACTUALLY didn't experience that.  No one had to hear about me ranting and raving about someone not liking me or trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me.  Still, I can relate to those who have wondering why a heart breaks when someone walks out of your life or when a friendship or two falls apart.

The hardest "heartache" if you want to call it, was dealing with losing a friendship.  To be called crazy, complicated, and obsessed were the hardest words I heard from a friend regarding something I had done.  Granted, I would have LOVED to be able to confront the friend that called me those words and explain my side of the story, still God didn't give me that opportunity for some odd reason.  In the end he gave me a gift, in a way.

As humans we are built to love one another, even our own enemies.  Sometimes, being a Christian and full of love can be misinterpreted.  Many people often feel they don't deserve just generally being cared about or someone actually just showing them genuine friendly love and not expecting nothing in return. No matter how hard I tried, it appeared me trying to explain what was going on and how I have been raised, WAS NOT possible. Yet, God has had his hands in this all along.

After learning about patience, let brokenness get taped back together and allowing wounds to heal, my faith in the God grew stronger and things turned out the way he planned them.  At my weakest points, I may have fallen off the edge and hoped I'd find an explanation on my own way, God showed me in time, things can work themselves out, even if that means people have to exit the stage of your performance in life, he has a plan! 

The most interesting part of the semester is I learned about compromise! There are times when I learned I can't always talk about what I want or love in life but, I just have to sit back and listen.  Also I learned about compromising schedules!  I will admit, though I had my hours of sleep cut, I wouldn't change it.  Those 2 months I wouldn't change for the world.

Lastly, this semester I learned to own up who I am.  Yes I'm one complicated, crazy, hot mess!  So what if the world isn't fully ready for me, eventually they will!! I mean funny how one of my friends tells me that my ideal guy is probably in Idaho! 

Still reflecting on the past several months, I'd like to go back and fix a few things but, unfortunately, God has his reasons why I can't!  Nevertheless, those who are in my life and I'm close with, they are all angels and heroes in my life and I'm so blessed!

It'll be hard being away from them for 2 months but, I know God will help me through it!  I can't wait to see the journey ahead of me!!

Till next time...

Cheers!