I was thinking about something yesterday as I pretty much did something out of the norm. It's not that I was living a secret life, I just didn't bother to tell anyone my business or care what to shout to the world what I was doing. I can't remember the last time I was able to be myself with a guy friend and not have to filter what I was saying. Often, I remember finding myself in the presence of a few particular guy friends psychologically thinking about every move or every comment I was about to make or say. However, this time around it appeared to be different.
It was such a great feeling of not having to have the world watch what was on display. Not having to think about what the world my do or might say. Just enjoying the company and what was going on in that moment. It was nice to enjoy lunch, hanging out, getting dragged into a sports apparel store (which I never get to really go into unless I go by myself, that girls usually laugh at me), and then go to a movie. Call it a lazy day but, it was pretty darn fun. I mean the most awesome part of the 5 hours was not having to think about the world dictating to me how bad someone was for me. Truth be told, maybe this was a time I had for someone to actually help me forget about someone and make me see what a "true" friend is suppose to be like.
For so long, I never understood the reality of a the purpose of guy friends and how they really could actually be like the girls sometimes. 99 to 1, it appeared the guys I have in my life, never really want to hang out with me. All they think I'm good for is providing sports information, car information, or of course homemade baking of some sort. Yet, deep down, I'm a human being which, they refuse to generally see . I get I can be one of the guys. I'm ok with that thought therefore, follow though and say hey let's grab a cold one or something. Don't just say let's grab food and then months down the line forget about it.
My eyes really were open and my heart slowly has began to heal from what I've experienced in the past 3 months. Even though it has been broken by man, well rather a boy trapped in a man's body, do to the way he acts. REALLY is paper and carrot throwing appropriate? I mean, yes I grew up with the boys and I could always see past his ways. Half the time the world thought I was a mad woman for even caring about the man. Still, I am not a typical Christian, so I've been told. I loved him, prayed for him, and cared more about his well being before my own. Funny how I swallowed my own pride at times. More importantly, when I was angry with him, all I could do was forgive him and learn to grow past what he put me through.
In the end, I guess you could say, my Christmas wish for the 2012 year has actually came true. Though, I've always had the same little wish since I was a little girl this year, however, I've grown up and praying for something more mature. I pray that all the young hearts in the world grow and can see the light and love of the world. I pray people with all their might will be 100% HONEST and OPEN about things. There's no need to lie nor pretend to be someone they are not. Therefore, I'll never for get what happen 7 days ago. I had the courage to finally speak the truth. I finally confront a man who needed to be. I man who broke my heart and humiliated me, making me feel tiny and as if I was a court jester in his kingdom his was running. Nevertheless, I was finally able to voice majority of what I've been longing to say. If only the world would have the ability to mend fences and learn the value of friendships.
I know the road I am having the walk down in 2013 will not be easy but, it will be one I have to walk down. It'll be this road where I have to learn sometimes you have to let people and distractions go. Unless people learn that others do have certain needs to be meet, things will not be harmonious. Friendships are a 2 way street and suppose to be a beautiful blessing. Mostly, it is important for open communication and no need for lying.
That is why I say to you, I have no earthly idea where God's leading me or what his expectations are but, I know when you've fallen in love, hit rock bottom, and seen the world around you crumble, all you can do is pick yourself up and start rebuilding You only have one chance in life, so why not start living. We're all suppose to be humble servants of God. We want to be like Mary and unafraid to answer our call when called upon. This is the time!
So, if the man who broke my heart is reading this, you know who you are, I forgive you and know I want nothing but the best for you. I know you're a man of God and I know you're a good friend. You're going places you just have to understand, we have 2 different backgrounds and still have to learn about each other. I'm not going to apologize for not revealing your identity. In time, you'll understand, maybe it's when I'm in the land down under, who knows. Just know this, you're not an American Idiot and I hope time will allow us to make up for lost time and allow the mysteries to be solved.
I wish all of y'all a happy Holiday season and a very Merry Christmas. May you all seek the truth doing this time and have your homes and hearts be prepared for the Lord!
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