Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Eyes of a Child

Since last night, I have had my oldest Godson Aeden with me, alongside with his little sister Katheryn, who is also my little God Sister/God Niece.  I’ve kind of known for several weeks I would have had this opportunity to spend this weekend and have “Auntie Jenn” time with them.   All I can say the past 24 hours have been an interesting adventure but, I am very blessed and thankful all at the same time. More importantly, I sometimes wish I could see things through the eyes of a child.

The interesting part of my adventure began with my 6 year old God son asked me, “Aunt Jenn are you married? Do you have any kids? Will you one day get married? Who will be my uncle?”  After considering his questions and trying not to laugh, I began playing his little game and letting Aeden make some “big boy” decisions.  I just couldn’t believe he asked these types of questions.
So I asked him about the type of man he wanted me to be with; just for kicks because for me, I gave up on perfection a long time ago.  Honestly, with the way my life is going, poor Aeden’s thoughts and wishes might be a dream. So, I guess you’re pretty curious what the little man said.

He said this:
Light eyes like mine, light hair like mine, drive blue or grey truck, kind and smart, funny, tall, big and strong so he can tackle people and lift him up on the his shoulders to he can make baskets in the hoop, he needs to treat me right and be able to protect me, he needs to have lots of kids in his family just like Aeden’s family, he needs to like animals, he should play football, have knowledge of business and sports, and  he’ll go to the school where you go.  More importantly I bet I’ll see him today. 

As I tried to not laugh about I luckily was able to change the subjects.  He asked me why I left the country.  I told him I went to study in Australia for school.  He said he was ok with seeing me on the computer and talking on the phone a few times. Still, if I went back he’d be ok, he guessed.
I told him, being 25 I had the opportunity to travel, living in another country for work, and it would be hard if I was married.  Also, I don’t know of man out there would understand my heart’s desires of going back to Australia. Yet, it was like but, still.

Having the opportunity to sit in the stands, seeing my university play their last game of the season, in the same stadium where in 2005 I had my last football game as a senior in HS. How I miss Stockdale sometimes.  Yet, it amazed me how Aeden was so excited be there.  For the most part, he was excited to see the offense play but, more so to see the defense play. 

In the 2nd half of the game,  I continued to share in the working of the game, and seeing the excitement in his eyes! Even more his excitement occurred when a defender caught an interception.  As the minutes ticked away, all he could say, “Jenn, I want to meet number…” and he told me the number.  I couldn’t believe who he wanted to me.  He was like please!!! 

So, at the end of the game, with the help of a few people I knew and God’s grace, Aeden was able to meet his “hero” of the game.  The funny part was he had me running almost 50 yards alongside the track to meet him.  I can hear him now, “Jenn.. Jennifer HURRY up, he’s going away..”

Well through God giving me courage, I called out to the player’s name. With a smile on his face, he was kind enough to stop and it played out with much more than I could have ever expected or imagine.  Sad part, I had my phone in hand and I didn’t even take a picture.  All I could think about was letting the player get to his family. Who was Aeden and I?

On the way to my Jeep and on the way up to Canyon Lake to meet up with my parents, for majority of the way all Aeden kept on talking about was how he just met his hero, except he was a little sad he didn’t get a picture but, he hoped one day he’d see him again.  I tell him just pray to God and see what God has planned.  Midway through our ride, he says, how this guy is perfect and would be the kind, sweet, and smart protector I need in my life.

 As we’re jamming out to “Brave” and I’m singing away to him, he pops out and says, “You know he’s the one God has for you. He's going to protect you and beat up the bad guys and he'll teach me more about football!”  I started busting out laughing.  I tell him he’s crazy and he’s very funny.  He says I’m the crazy and funny one and need to see the truth.  I ask him what brought all of this on and his response is, “You’ll never know because I’ll either never tell you or I’ll tell you ONE day.”

We get back and progress into dinner tonight and Aeden decides to tell the story of his hero to the story to his sister and my parents. He’s at the table on the patio smiling away. You can see the light and innocent in his eyes. He just went on and on about his hero and wished he could have taken a picture but, since he didn’t maybe God would let him meet him again.

All I could do is just sit back and let him tell his story.  In the back of my mind I just wanted to tell Aeden, “Aeden, Aunt Jenn just wants to finish her degree in August, save up money, move to Sydney, Australia for work and baton twirling for the next 5 years, be able to travel, earn my PhD, and just see where God’s taking me. Yet, I know how much you’d like for me to get married, you to have an “uncle”  to teach you about football and other sports, and have other kids to play with one day.”

Nevertheless, while I reflect back on the adventures of today, I cannot be upset for the young boy. He was excited about going to his first football game with his Aunt Jenn. He had no problem showing off his “future d-line” shirt I created for him. Mostly, he says he’s just enjoyed being with me.  Finally, after 6 years of his life, to have this moment, I couldn’t traded for the world. Who knows, maybe God’s preparing me.

What people don’t know is I didn’t want to come home this weekend. I only pushed to come home when I knew my dad had today off because, he rarely gets it as a self-employed pharmacist, and I know one day, I may not have this time to spend with the kids. More importantly, I knew my parents for some odd reason wanted to go to the game, since we only live like 20 miles from Seguin.  I have no regrets. (Little did I know I’m helping Aeden earn a patch for Scouts)


God I don’t know why Aeden has said what he’s said. Completely a CURVEBALL to me y’all!  All I can do is just smile.  Still, I can only look at times through the eyes of a child!  

Sunday, October 6, 2013

honesty letter

Wrote this during adoration on Friday. I thought about how Father Francis was talking about restoring relationships

Mate,
You  asked me to be honest about the football team and as much as I wanted to let it all out I had to resist.  I believe in certain situations something like this is better left unspoken.  Every one doesn't always need to hear it. I'm sure by now, you figured out what I was doing.  If it was just you and I, I could have been opened and told you what I am about to say. I just wish I could say it while looking into your stained glass eyes.

Thanks in advance for being so understanding.

When I first got here, I dreamed of nothing but football twirling, football games, and the little fantasy I would catch some dashing player's eyes and it'd be like in the movies or other stories I've been told by my twirling friends but, God saw other plans. Getting to compete at an international invitational competition in Spring 2012 and being named Sports Editor allowed me to see where 2 of my greatest passions were; performing and sports writing.  After finding out the decision we all made about competition only for the uni for my remaining time, I had to learn not to live in shame and disappoint people.

For a year I avoided games because of work, using the internet or radio to listen.  It even helped when you told me you didn't care if I was there or not.  As much as I wanted to be there to show my support for you mate and the team you gave me an easy way out of avoiding questions about my absence on the field.  Even though my heart was broken.

Through training for competition season, I thought how awesome it would be to perform at volleyball or basketball games but, God continue to allow me to see I could respect the programs playing by not performing.  While in Australia, those 2 months training and competing gave me a new perspective on life. Pick on my sport all ya want but, by being in the gym more, I concentrate on getting healthier, letting my body get stronger, and my technique improve to ready for 2017 international team trials in 2016. Nevertheless, I can just be me and hopefully you'll support me as I have always been supporting you.

I meant what I said the other night.  I love you guys and respect you.  My heart bleeds for the gold and blue. Every time I put on the colors, I know I am representing y'all. For once though, the spotlight is off of me.

MAYBE this all makes sense to you and you understand now. The last 2 seasons have been interesting!

I just have a few questions, since you asked me if I had any:

1. Why all of a sudden do you care if I'm not there?
2. Do you think it would make a difference if I was physically there?
3. Do you really want me there?
4. How do you even notice out of the sea of faces if I'm really there?
Cheers!

Me

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Half My Heart in Down Under- A J Ko Song



Writer's note:  So this actually was written on a little white paper sack I pulled out of my seat pocket on my one of my flights when I couldn't sleep.  I believe I was listening to Holly Long's Can't Forget You, from Wicked- For Good, and watching the in flight movie, "Safe Haven" as I gathered my thoughts to write it.  Strange how it all came together.  I guess you can say I dedicate part of it or more so owe my inspiration to my Aussie friends and my life I had in Australia! Cheers mates!


Half My Heart in Down Under

By J. Ko

Written 28 July 2013

She gazes out the window

Looking at Botany Bay for one last time

She couldn’t believe her time

To return half way around the world

Had already come

It seemed just like yesterday

Some of her dreams were coming true

Right in front of her eyes

As she saw a glimpse of the city

And the pilot said “Lift off”

(Chorus)

Tears rolled down her face

And she prayed

“God I feel like I’ve been livin’

In a complete surreal state of being

Yet all I can think of is how I’m not

Good with good-byes

All I wanted to really say before I got on the lift

“I’ll never forget you
You’ll always be on my heart
I too really hope we meet again

But I froze, left a note

Not able to explain the past two months

Got on the lift

Realizing I was leaving

Half my heart Down Under

(Yeah half my heart)

Verse 2
When it all began

She knew it’d be an adventure

An opportunity

A small town girl

Could put on her bucket list

Never would she had expected

To see what the other half

Of the world had to offer again

Still she could believe the bliss

So sensual and magical

And

(Chorus)

Verse 3

Time was passing by,

Emotions shaken, rattled

Her hearted pulled

She never really planned

To find herself and know who she was

Her passion, faith, desires

All in complete harmony

How could it be?

Oh tell the world how could it be?

Yeah

(Chorus)

Out her bag falls a card and a passport

She reads the card thinking

How she touched lives

More so how they touched hers

Then she finds a slip of paper

Sticking out of her paper

With an address written on it

She smiles and

She closes her eyes

Oh…

(Chorus)

Her minds races

Thinking of a man she met unexpectedly

The laughs, chats, little moments

So rare, natural, real

All unheard of

Never once seeming how time realizing the time

Which passed by

How could she forget a kind and gentle face

And those dark earnest eyes

Finally in the 25 years on this earth

She wore no mask

She was her true self

How could he notice her out of a crowded room

For whatever reason

Ever moment priceless and unforgettable

In the end no barriers

God explain?

(Chorus X 2)

Plane lands

Voice on the PA Says

Welcome to the USA

She would never change a thing yeah…

 

 

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mr. Perfect: A J Ko Song


Mr. Perfect

By J Ko

Written 30 June 2013

Verse:

I’ve always dreamed of the perfect man

About 6 feet tall

Blonde hair, boundless blue eyes

Athletic stature

Any girl’s dream

A little bit of Southern comfort

A heart full of compassion and love

But mainly a Godly man

Who can stand

This crazy dream!

 

Chorus:
But sadly that whole vision

Disappeared some time ago

When I met a man

Should I say a boy

Who met all my criteria

Had my heart

Made me feel on top of the world

Turned out to not be so perfect

Deep down in his heart and soul

He still needed work

For he was too far gone

And it only too me

The first 24 years of my life

To figure it all out

That perfect didn’t exist

Yeah perfect didn’t exist

So I just throw that list away

And forgot about trying to wait for

Mr. Perfect

Verse:

Now that I’m 25

I feel free as a bird

Trying to just live  

Not worry about Mr. Perfect

Thinkin about him

How we’ll have our happily ever after

Rootin’ for each other

Being each other’s best friend

 

Chorus

Verse:

I use to wonder

What it’d be like

To find a future coach or doctor

To sweep me off my feet

Spend our time

Discussing books, life sports, music

And about our devotion to God

As walk along the shores in the sunset

Mostly finding I’m falling’ more in love

With a man

Who love God more than I do

But now it’s a hazy vision

Truth is

 

Chorus

Verse:

Will one day

The man God’s plan

Be better than the one

I use to dream of

We’ll just have to

Wait and see

If throwing a list away

Was the best thing to do

Lord please help me

Chorus

Verse:

So this crazy dreamer

Is going about her ways

Seeing the world

Touching lives

Making a difference

And seeing if

Maybe one day she’ll

Have someone to share it all with .

But for now

This is the way

Oh yeah.. this is the way

It has to be

Chorus x 2

 

 

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Dancin' to Matlida's Waltz: A J Ko Song


Dancin' to Matilda’s Waltz

By: J. Ko

Finalized 29 Jun 2013 Began, 10 Jun 2013

 

There she stood, swaying to Matilda’s waltz.

A part of her wondered

what it would be like to sing with the singer that night.

Then she says

“I know god has a my road mapped out for me and

Maybe my voice isn’t meant to

 Be heard this way. Oh no.

It’s not meant to be heard on a public stage.”

 

C

She sighs and prays while swaying to the beat of Matilda’s waltz

 'God just show me your will for me & I’ll go yes papa.

I’ve served you all my life so far
Could you show me where I’m supposed to go
On this Broken road I’ve been travelling on.

I know it’s blessed and full of hope and love

Yet a part of me believes I’ll never have my chance

To be out there on the dance floor

Smilin’ away, Dancin’ away, with no worries
To Matlida’s Waltz

 

As the band played on

She could only dream

1 day her prince would find her

 Ask her to dance

 When their eyes met

He’d know she was the he was meant to be with

The one he was praying for all his life.

They danced as Matilda’s melody played on

Seemin as only them & god existed. What a moment.

Yeah what a moment it’d be

 

C

 

 She just smiled.

Maybe he was just an illusion a dream a bittersweet thought.

God needed to give her clarity.

She wanted to see parts of the world.

Who knows maybe change it

one song or by touching one child’s life at a time.

How could she have it all?

The world still knew little about her.

Papa a little help, please.

 

C

 

As she saw people dancing around her, she gazed in wonderment.

Someday soon she hoped,

She be hearing this waltz play.

While her parents danced in delight,

The room filled with mystic and  passion,

Laughter expressed

 She & God’s charming gettin to explore

A not so broken road.

 Explorin the world and touchin lives.

Erasin the marks of the past.

As she closed her eyes

 

c.

 

So maybe this is all a fairytale but a girl can dream

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Praying to God on ride back to the city

I was on my train ride from Kingsgrove to Central station today, coming back from training and I was inspired to write this.  Enjoy



There she sits. Staring out at the tracks waiting for train. All she =

do is pray, pray  to god about how her heart is on fire yet shattering into a 1000 tiny pieces. She knows shes doing his work & feels blessed but her emotions  are in a fury. Sometimes the 1 person she can open up to without remorse seem silenced. She doesnt understand. She isn't afraid. She just needs honesty. She needs consistency. No tricks

 or lies. She knows her own heart, strengths, and passions. God she needed clarity. None of this made sense to her. This wasnt her. What was with her. She could see the lights of the train in the distance. Time to stop worrying. She got on board. Found her seat & turn on her the ipod. Panania bound. Time to put on her game face. She closed her eyes. Shut off her emotions. And no matter how hard she prayed he'd

ever come to his sense. She embraced the 40 min ride. She got of the

train thanked god and was  ready to work. Each day  is a gift.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Thousands of Miles from Home: A J Ko Song

Wrote June 10, 2013

Thousands of miles from home

She stares out the window

Of the train taking her from the country to the city

She constantly wonders

How she could have ended up

At a place she feels at home

Chorus:

She’s praying to God

Thanking him

For the life she’s been giving

Letting her see her dreams come true

Bring her back to a place she could be herself

Not worry about things or

Feel the world judging her

Or the other anxieties of life

Still deep down she’s praying even deeper

For some clarity and not thinking about

Who she left behind

 

It’s been a few days

Since she’s heard from

Still she doesn’t even know

How he feels about her

She’s tired not being able to express herself

Letting him know what’s on her heart

Telling him how he makes her feel

All she wants to tell him

Is she just needs his support, friendship, and understanding

None of this is about something more

But what does it matter

Talking to him is like talking to a wall

But

(Chorus)

She sits back in her sit

Riding along listen to her iPod

Trying to not cry

Watching the fellow passengers

Board the trains, read the paper, or mess with technical gadgets

She hopes none of them notice the tears in her eyes

She tries not to cry or find something to break

She wanted to try not forget about the time out of the city

(Chorus)

The time she spent out in the city

Made her forget about him

Made her forget about the fury of city life

And about the worries that often bother in the office

Sometimes though

She found herself a little homesick

But know her family was a call a way

And she put her faith in God

Yet

(Chorus)

Not matter what she did

She couldn’t seem to get that man

Who had baffled her heart

Off her mind

As her train neared Central Station

If only God could show her his plan

Show her how it didn’t make sense

How it could be great one moment

Then extremely distant the next

All she wanted to do was sleep at night

God please help her she begged

“Central Station” the conductor said

There was nothing else she could do

Still

Chorus