Maybe it's the Meds

I wake up from almost a 2 hour nap today and I hear my uncle and dad talking about something. Couldn't make it out because I was trying to cover my head with the blanket but, that didn't drown them out. I see on the table I have my bottle of cough syrup open, not such a smart idea, and my antibiotics next to my research   I was reading. Then I woke up with this strange strange thought, a thought I really hadn't had in ages, "Sometimes in life, things are better left unspoken." I don't know what I was thinking while I was thinking but, all I could think was I was glad I didn't send a text msg I was trying to send.  

Call me guilty but, even when you're trying to be a super hero, all you want sometimes, when you feel completely weak and your body is out of it due to your body not being up to par, thanks to a nasty infection, is someone who can provide those comforting words since, the ideal of a comforting touch of another doesn't really come to mind.  However, try to tell someone that, someone who's suppose to be a person who knows the dirt on you and someone you can babble to when you don't make sense, you become timid and scared. Then it hits you. It's like the fate of the universe is trying to tell you that there's this big red halt button being ready to be pushed because something's just not adding up. 

What is so wrong with for once in the pass almost needing compassion when you're sick. Trust me honey, no one wants to be since.  Granted yes, I've been saved by my versions of Batman and Superman several times when I've been stressed out and I was little unorganized or when life didn't make since. However, this time, I've already been drained, had a steroid shot, and meds in me.  Geez I've been the one providing all the compassion to the world when they needed it, I mean granted I could live without it and I'm sure I'd be fine but, it'd be nice. Still did I mention on top of it, I'm still having to comfort people because it's what I do and I don't mind. Yet, it wouldn't mind a little cheer either.

Anyways, I guess sometimes, even the smallest or kindest of heroes don't need a title nor compassion from their best of friends.  The greatest thing to do is love another person and be there for them and know that as friends that is what we do. Still I guess it wouldn't hurt to pull the friend card and ask for a tiny bit of it.  You know what's terrible though is when someone who really hasn't been in my life but for only a few bit of time picks up the phone and texts me to see how I'm doing and made sure I went and got myself checked out. Maybe going to lunch with this friend of mine wasn't such a bad thing. 

God I just don't know what to do any more.  I'm trying to fight something and I can't figure out what here.  Like I said, maybe it's the meds in me talking, causing me not to make any sense at all.  My guts telling me one thing, my hearts telling me another.  I see that big flashing button saying reading HALT and flashing so bright it's really tempting to press. You know maybe, just maybe I'm over thinking and over analyzing everything.  Maybe it'll all make sense soon.  

I just don't understand why now.  I've never been that clingy or a needy of a person. I've been that cheery, caring, ray of sunshine. Who is going to do what it takes to make YOU happy.  To just smile, say what's on my heart and mean every word of it. Not really thinking about what I want or need. 

However, now it'd be nice to just have someone ask me how my day was, ask me how I'm taking it that I go in to get my simple antibiotics but, then I have to go get blood work done, and how when I've got something awesome to say, I just can't pick up the phone and call and tell share it with you.  

I believed it was all there. I believed it was possible we could all be living busy lives but yet, we could take the time for the people we care about. Maybe I'm not even ready to hold a friendship with another yet. However, I do believe that my theory was right. I must be a good luck charm to some, helping them find love yet, I'm such a great hero, I've got an alter ego that'll scare you off. 

Who knows maybe it's the meds. 

It's just crazy how waking up we can realize things, seeing what I want, what I need to continue being me, and even I feel balanced, I know where I'm going and all the excitement that comes with it!