The storm of furry!

She stares out the window, gazing at the storm filled cloud. They fill the air, air that is awaiting a South Texas summer rainfall. The inspiration and emotions began to cluster. A part of her felt elated, the other full of furry.

She glanced at her phone. NO text. NO call. NO IM. It’s almost like he’s already rode off into the sunset with some other princess. 9 times out of 10, she shrugged it all off but, not today.

Maybe the dark clouds coloring the blue sky grey were a sign of the times changing. Maybe today was the day she didn’t just let it go or just shake it off. Maybe the unexpected was going to occur.

 The storm had been brewing for months. Though she never cried, she felt it in her gut. Times were changing. All this time, he was clueless of what her heart had been trying to say.  

She read over the last message: “Been meaning to tell you. I’m seeing someone. I never meant to tell you this way…..” She couldn’t finish reading the rest of it.

Here she sat for months, fighting off her heart and feelings. He hated to see her mad and always apologized. Yet, she knew it was time.

She picked up her phone and began to write.

“Do yo know how in sensitive you are? Do you know I had no idea you’d text me this. Thanks for throwing a fast one. I’m done hiding. Just know I can care for myself. For so long I took you serious. When you said best friends make the perfect plans and partners. Let’s just wait til were 25 to get hitched. Let’s just stay here forever. Silly me, I was a fool. All this time, I’d been allowing myself to trust and feel again. I was thinking God had answered a prayer. Each time I gazed into your baby blues, I could see my future and everything felt so right. But who was I kidding. We shared each other’s dreams. We’re each other’s rock. We are so insync. We bring out the best and worst in each other. Time just stand stills when we’re together and nothing else matters. You allowed me to open up and to be real. Yet, I don’t believe ho you’d just let me dream. I can’t believe you or this. Maybe it was all a grand illusion. Did you ever mean anything you told me? Was I just that friend who you called upon when you needed to fill a void? Alright, enough is enough. I’m so tired of the façade. The mask is coming off. Open your eyes and see I’m human too. I’m taking off the gloves. No more fighting. Just know I’d take a bullet for you. I’d handle you being gone for long periods of time for your job. I’d love you unconditionally. Hope you’re not allowing another dreaming, expecting a fairytale, gets her dreams dashed. Just thought you should know…..”

She paused.

She could hear the rain banding against the windows. She focused on the soothing sound. She went back over the text. She contemplated to send it or not.

She began to pray to God. Her phone begins to sing, “Don’t you wanna stay…” She dropped the phone.

Can't wait to meet him

I'm only human. I have feelings and emotions That can become overwhelming A heart that's been Turned cold and broken Yet slowly healing And full of love. I'm tired of being part Of the jars of hearts collected By those who have stabbed it I just can't take it anymore. I want fireworks exploding Letting the joys of life Ignite the night sky Sharing the moment with you. I'm a woman of faith Opening her heart To all of God's plan He has set for. Secretly, I know I could wait 1000 years for you To see my character and know Know God has called us to be together. Taking 2 broken souls And create the perfect circle. I know you're the one who makes me a better person By inspiring me daily Because of your strength and love for God With you I can be me Like a giddy child I know magic is always there all the wait was worth it And I'm blessed he's Called us to live out our lives For him Nonetheless I know we're 2 people Who are there Full of love At our best and our worst. Ultimately, Through faith, hope and love Everything makes sense Even when the whole world Doesn't understand. we'll feel the fire Of a beautiful friendship And know We are each others best friend. Realizing God planned this. Till then I'll pray for you And tell God Some things in life are worth waiting for Or should I say melt for. Wherever you are Who ever you are I'll wait for you Knowing my ghost are gone And my heart is ready to Be shared. Even though I'm only human With you I could never crash I end by saying I can't wait to meet you one day.

Piled behind it all

Written 16 September 2014

There she sat.
Seeing her reflection in the rear view mirror.
Seeing a girl who has spent the past 8 years
Growing in her faith
Pulled into stacks of books
staring into a computer screen
Spending countless hours researching
Training until her body ached
Traveling the globe a time or two
Experiencing things she'll cherish forever
And learning from the not so great experiences.
Yet at the end of the day
There was a hole in her heart
And a pit in her stomach.
She ponder what was missing from the equation.
Was this all she was meant to know?
She was a big dreamer
From a small Texas town
Who wanted nothing more to succeed
And to have all of her wishes come true.
Silence emerged in the car.
She felt there was a barricade around her heart.
Deep down she was afraid to admit
She was just like any other female.
She longed for God to develop her faith and heart
Becoming fully prepared to accept
All he would give her.
She always prayed God would answer 1 prayer
Nightly she prayed for the one
The one he created just for her
The one who she could fulfill the
Call to the vocation of marriage and family
Constantly serving him and his people
Raising their children to be ambitious servants
Who would learn the beauty of all His gifts
The price His Son paid for us
The value of faith,  hope,  love and virtues
The meaning of serving & loving Him
Til it hurts.
The one whom could see the world
Take crazy adventures
And create priceless memories.
The one whom he choose
To bring out the best in her
And help her become a better
Bride of Christ.
He would be the one
To push her,  challenge her,
Support and encourage her
And the one she could
Return all the endless love her gives her.
She sighed. 
She's made lists of perfection.
Tried to find fault in herself
And her inexperienced self
As reasoning to push people away. 
She was one hot mess.
Who would ever believe her
About her wildest desire .
She was always in a hurry
Soaking up knowledge
Serving others
Falling more in love with
Her heavenly bridegroom daily.
Maybe she was attending her own masquerade.
Was she hopeless?
Could anyone her own ambitions
Keep her from seeing the possibilities
God places in front of her? 
She screams silently. 
She catches her breath
Only to see the sun setting
And her reflection fading
In the darkness.
Expecting God would give her
A sign with bright, flashing lights.
She knows the truth
Of her heart's desires.
Yes she loved her work
Her sport
The life God had given her.
Still,  her heart yearned
To be an educated
Bride of Christ, Christian athlete
Teacher, friend, servant
Wife, Mother, Daughter.
One day could this all be possible? 
Tears rolled down her face
As she crossed the state line.
Thinking how she's piled behind it all.

So Surreal!

I had an AMAZING dream last night. So amazing, I didn't want to wake up. I can't tell you in the past 25 years when I had a dream it was so real. I mean I've had a bucket list of dreams I have wanted to achieve but, nothing like this before. Crazy part is a part of me hasn't had this feeling since I was aboard almost 8 months ago. (Really I was in Sydney.. the historic and beautiful Sydney, New South Wales, Australia!) 

I can tell you I would never change a moment of those 2 months there. Each day, it felt like I was waking up in a dream or a fairy tale. After walking out of the room, I'd go to the balcony and see Moore Park and the golfers having tee time. Still, being home 6 months, I can close my eyes, imagine myself walking the subway of central station, exploring the mall in Bondi Junction, or walking along the Sydney Harbour or taking a ride on the ferry from the Harbour to Manly Beach or Darling Harbour. 

So here we are almost 6 months since I have been back to Texas, and my heart feels completely torn. A part of me is completely lost and I am only walking on faith and the grace of God.  No matter how supportive my family and close friends have been, it has been a wreck of things. 

My daddy has always told me the more and more you lie about something, they just keep on building and they are doing to eventually erupt.  Here lately, I feel I could be wearing a mask and lying from the truth. The truth of how hard it's been for me to be back and the truth why I fear seeing this coming weekend. 

Almost a year ago, I wanted clarity, understanding in a friendship, and figure out why I am not getting the blame for why our paths never crossed again. For 2 months, I really felt like I knew my friend and appreciated every moment spent. A part of me wondered if this person would be that friend who surprises you at the airport but, I was wrong. Now, all I want to do is scream and try to explain I'm going one direction and that person's going another. 

Let's jump now to present day. It's hard to believe I've made it one year and not allowed my heart to be fooled and fall in a deep crush for any male. Maybe I learnt my lesson the hard way at this time last year. Who knows. 

Now this dream has me feeling things I have never felt before, allowing my heart, soul, and mind to feel  something that was so real. It's funny how you read about people getting angry at each other, end up connecting, falling for each other, and then one has to move away. (sigh).... It was in it's own way perfect and just like perfect... 

The dream seemed to be so perfect, just like in some odd way, my time in Sydney, the first time and now the second time. I can only wish I can go back to find my heart.  Life just seemed so surreal and on the right track. Spiritually, educationally, emotionally, physically, and athletically. Everything seemed so harmless. 

God.. Hello... Any response... All I can say is God has a plan and I guess eventually he has us wake up for a reason! LOL S

What's Next for J Ko in 2014

I know it's been way to long since I have lost written.

I first must say Happy New Year!!! I hope this year y'all will be an amazing, full of good fortunes and good health, and so much more!  More importantly shoot for the stars!!

Tonight I was asked "What's next in the world of J Ko"

For one moment I actually found myself wondering the same thing. I close my eyes and think this time in August I will have my Master's in hand, have been back in the country for a year, and almost ready to hopefully begin my PhD program. Yet, the question can be, what does my heart want and what are my dreams.

I will not completely say what I did this past week- NO I am not ashamed of what I did however; I just don't feel it's all too important I go into detail. I did go after a dream. For over 20 years, I have dreamed of being a part of something and  a short few years after that, putting my talent. Only it seemed time was never right and I didn't believe in myself enough or something like that.

I don't know going into my last academic semester (followed by a short internship), where this might lead me but, all I know I am at God's hands and he knows exactly what I need and where I need to be. Still, a girl has to follow her heart and see what happens, regardless of what people say. Mostly, we only have today, we shouldn't live with any regrets.

Maybe during this time, I'll finish my research and it'll get published, I'll get my book finished, write a few more songs, or even do something new. Who knows what this year will bring.  All I know is I am a dream and I do have a lot of things I want to do but,I do want to find the other half of my heart.

A year from now, I would love nothing more to be back in the place where I found myself, working in the field of sports ministry, and training in the sport that saved me. I know I've been told by someone dear to my heart, told me for every year of being in a sport, our body ages 5 year. A part of me feels that could be true, especially with my knee, ankle, and back but, I love what I am doing.

In the back of my mind, since my parents never really got a honeymoon, celebrated any major anniversary, and my daddy never gets to travel with my mom and I or even me on any of my big adventures as I compete.  A part of me would love to be able to get back on the international stage one more time and represent a country with pride, dignity, grace, and glorifying God. More importantly, I would love to go back to the first time I got to really take the big leap, go back to the place where I didn't know my own strengths and faith, and have my parents be there to cheer me on.

The last half of 2013, I saw change and found myself. My relationship with God grew stronger, my passion for life, education, service, and my sport grew, and my relationship with some amazing people, especially coaches, became clear and more meaningful. I also developed a hole in my heart because I have this desire to go back to the place where my heart is.

People my never understand who I have become or what story, stories I have to tell but, one day y'all will.  I can only hope you can be encouraged to get over your fears and try something new! Go after your dreams!!

So here's to hanging on and seeing where this year leads us!!

Cheers and blessings mates!!

Feel It: Nothing Is a Coincidence

Nothing is a coincidence. 

If someone would make an attempt to define the past 6 months of my life, no definition could be found nor, could a portrait be painted. All one could truly begin to say is God knew exactly what he was doing and no explanation is needed. More notably, for what was at hand, was not an accident or a coincidence; for God knew perfectly what was at hand. 

Reflecting back on where I was at this point in my life 6 months ago, I was preparing for the opportunity of a lifetime. I was just days away from going to a country, I had fallen in love with once and now I was going to work at a university I could only dream of studying at. Still, a part of me wanted to have Texas in a rear view mirror.

Yes, even though I may not have wanted to admit it, I was running. My heart shattered in pieces and felt it had no ability to forgive. Maybe a part of me had been holding onto a million different puzzle pieces and the thickness of the walls seamlessly unbreakable. Yet, God intervened somehow.

No one will believe when I say being abroad I was changed, motivated, pushed, and challenged. Many have said it’s an unfortunate shame finding myself and could finally metaphor like the butterfly, as I’ve been called. Granted I’ve been silent at times but, God knew none of my experiences Down Under or the people’s paths I crossed was an accident. Of course there was more.

Even as I hit my 4 month maker of my return, I know I’m not the young woman I was, who cried like an infant being deprived of her Dr Pepper bottle , when I was Australian Customs and almost the entire 14 hour flight from Sydney to San Francisco, silent tears trickle down my cheeks. Nor do I see myself as the frantic graduate student who just wanted this last year to fly by. More importantly, do I no longer feel hungry, lost, and confused.

Hunger. Yes, hungry for attention, acceptance, understanding, to be desired, and to have all things perfect such as a 25 year old should have. Seeing family, friends, and my world being consumed in relationships, marriage, and children; my heart longed for prince charming, Mr. Right, and no long to be known as “and then there was one.” How I let all things intangible consume my heart and mind. 

I became focused on trying to please the world, chase other’s hopes and dreams, and forgetting about my relationship with God and Christ; seeing my own voice being lost in the crowd. I cared more about fixing an already broken past and being blinded by my list of perfection, instead of my most significant relationship and being seduced by perfection. In this seduction, I became lifeless and a puppeteer’s mignonette. I was fading into a sea of misery and finding it impossible to be jubilant in my new found glory. 

Finally when God presented me with a light, a new frosting recipe, and a few other curve balls, some rubbish was disposed of and my world became elated and my world became elated. The miraculous occurred and this feeling of extraordinary began to immerse out of nowhere, just as a team throwing a Hail Mary pass or a World Series kind of feeling. Whatever it was, I know I finally submitted myself to my bridegroom in Heaven.

My heart and eyes reveled to me a revelation. My Father is the King of Kings, I am his princess and I know when the time is right, he’ll send the right prince for me, even if his attire is knight’s armor or not silk or majestic dress, when he sees the time is perfect. You cannot force anything; it always happens on the time keeper’s watch and hour. His revelation unveiled my heart’s truest desires and the person I really am’ not the “perfect” or undesirable person the High Courts try to dictate to the commons. God has shown me the unique and beautiful person He’s created me in his image to be.

With all that being spoken, I hadn't forgotten about how drive and motivated I am. I go after what I want and get it, if it’s obtainable. When it comes to competing, it isn't about always winning; it’s about doing my best and being my best. 

Somehow, one of my heart’s simplest and most sentimental desires and dreams, is my prayer of the man God’s preparing for me. He’ll be loving, kind, caring, driving, motivated, understanding, humble, and honest. He’ll write and speak with eloquence yet, it’ll be in such a way; his words are heartfelt and meaningful, poetic, and moving. Maybe his gentleness and genuine being will be so pure and true, he’ll be able to touch my heart and his words will make me want to cry tears of happiness!

To be able to get lost in the moment, one that’s photographic with two getting lost in each other’s presence, smile, eyes, and age of innocence.  While the sands of time go by, the silent film is being filmed in slow motion. We’ll both be imperfect but, perfect for each other. Only the Heavens know I’m living in an illusion.

After all these years, I have seen my family is vital to me and my scars are fading into stars. Maybe it’s true, time can be the only healer of the heart. Magical events can occur to all who are patient. Regardless of where I am, I am different and unique. I am free and feel live again. God’s my king, I’m his princess, and one day timing will all be as one, and everything will happen when the time keeper’s watch elapses.  Because nothing is ever a coincidence.  

Fairytale: The princess went to the "ball"

There once was a princess living in a world of modernity. On a very warm autumn day she had been invited to attend the ball. For years she longed to be a part of the crowd but, a part of her only wanted to blend in. Still days and weeks before her invitation,  she would tell folks it would be a cold one before she did.

The day of the ball came and her emotions were mixed. She knew her Father had something planned yet she wasn't for sure.
Still she got dressed in the appropriate colors,  got all dolled up and felt so natural.

Upon her arrival,  people were very surprised she was there.  However she was able to blend in and enjoy the festivities. Overall,  embracing the moments being presented.

At the end of the ball,  she found herself being dragged down to the greet the Knights by one of youngest royals in the crowd. This took her by surprise.
Leaving her without words and following the Knight in training.

The next moments seemed still like the sands in an hour glass. A silent film was being displayed. Only God's work at hand.

When time had elasped and the film had ended,  the princess saw the little future knight run off , and she captured the moment. She left the grounds of the ball , remembering the day,  thanking her father and smiling. Yet heart of hearts she could only hold the
truths.

She understood in life, it is all about timing. Not her time. Her father's time.

She experienced not romanticism of a fairy tale but the beautiful and blessing of it. One day,  when it's time,  a knight will become her prince,  who like her,  is imperfect and driven. Yet,  from the moment at the ball she was able to grow up and see the blessings of knowing who you are and living for you.